Sam stood before the bathroom mirror. He stared for an infinite period. The myriad of thoughts that were going through his head forced him to stare at his reflection, trying to see into his own soul.
Am I attracted to guys? His initial reaction was NO! But he felt a sinking feeling that the answer was yes. Why do I think it’s such a bad thing? He had a flood of memories of his friends saying things like:
“That’s gay”
“You’re gay”
“He’s gay”
“Stop being so gay”
“How gay is that!”
So that’s it? I’m gay? Just like that? Sam had a weird feeling shoot through his body, a tingling sensation. His entire world had been turned upside down in an afternoon.
Sam thought over his past. He suddenly realised that there had been many incidents in his life when he had been perving on guys, but wouldn’t admit it. His chest constricted. He felt so alone.
The slightly lopsided smile was the only clue that everything wasn’t right in his world. A salty tear slid slowly out of the corner of his eye and slid down his face. Having heightened senses the boy could feel the tears every movement.
He was so intensely concentrated on the feeling of the tear drop he didn’t notice the door open behind him. He jumped slightly when he felt arms around him. It unleashed a flood of tears. He turned into his sisters arms. She waited until the tears had stopped.
“Sam, what’s wrong?” She asked.
He took a deep breath before sighing.
“I can’t tell you.” He said.
“Sam, it’s me. I’m your sis, you can tell me anything.” She said
“No I can’t. Just leave it Jess. Please.” He said.
The pleading tone in his voice was echoed in the look he gave her. It made her physically step back. Sam took the opportunity to slip passed Jessica. He went up to his room to get away from everyone.
Shutting the door to his room added a physical barrier between Sam and the rest of the world. It seemed to be symbolic of the social barrier of his sexuality and how the rest of the world viewed it. Sam’s heart was filled with shame and disgust at and with himself. He felt restless; his room became a cage. It was a paradox; as his room was a sanctuary, it became a cage, as he felt he couldn’t leave the confines of his room.
