Can anyone give me feedback for my practice essay? (1 Viewer)

Minari243

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Hello! I have to write an essay in 45 mins on Animal farm on Tuesday. I wrote a practice essay (untimed) and I feel like its too long for me to write in 45 mins. I think I've done multiple things wrong but I'm not quite sure what. My introduction and conclusion are also quite short, but I don't know how to expand them. If anyone is willing to read the essay and give me some feedback I'd really appreciate it!
 

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MrSir

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Hello! I have to write an essay in 45 mins on Animal farm on Tuesday. I wrote a practice essay (untimed) and I feel like its too long for me to write in 45 mins. I think I've done multiple things wrong but I'm not quite sure what. My introduction and conclusion are also quite short, but I don't know how to expand them. If anyone is willing to read the essay and give me some feedback I'd really appreciate it!

Ihave taught English I will help you . See the message I have sent you to your inbox and I will explain what is involved. Please confirm you have received my response
 
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idkkdi

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1060 words is doable. If you write extremely fast, you could even reach for 1400 in 45 minutes. Introduction and conclusion are both lacking in structure and information. Signposting in introduction and greater summaries in the conclusion could be done. I believe there are a few resources on 2U English Essays on BoS, as well as other sites, that would provide you with a mould for introduction and conclusion.

If you write or think slowly during an exam, word count should be around 800-1100.
 

Minari243

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1060 words is doable. If you write extremely fast, you could even reach for 1400 in 45 minutes. Introduction and conclusion are both lacking in structure and information. Signposting in introduction and greater summaries in the conclusion could be done. I believe there are a few resources on 2U English Essays on BoS, as well as other sites, that would provide you with a mould for introduction and conclusion.

If you write or think slowly during an exam, word count should be around 800-1100.
Thank you!!!
 

deanjacobson_

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I guess I'm a bit late as you did the essay today, but looking forward, especially as HSC English requires much essay writing, there are a couple of things I'd suggest.

You have a good way of writing and your language and reference to the book are very good. Your introduction and conclusion are very short and you'll need to work on this. Personally, when writing essays, I use my introduction to provide a bit of context and try to hook the readers in. If I was given this question, I'd use my introduction to discuss power itself and how it's attained, then link this briefly to the character in question. If you want an example, message me and I can do one for you quickly. The conclusion should be one of the strongest parts of the essays, so it needs to have substance. I always link my conclusions to my introductions and sum up my entire argument. Again, if you want an example, just message.

Another little suggestion is, throughout your writing, use conjunctions to link two short sentences together. You have many short sentences within your essays and I feel that if you linked them together the piece flows more continuously. For example, One of Napoleon’s main tools for gaining power was violence. He does this by suppressing any contradicting ideas and frightening the animals. Can be linked together: One of Napoleon’s main tools for gaining power was through employing the use of violence, performed through suppressing any contradicting ideas and frightening the animals. Not only does it make the piece flow more effectively, but you cut down words too, which makes it easier to write.

Just some thoughts - the essay was very good though :)
 

Cherrybomb56

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Hello! I have to write an essay in 45 mins on Animal farm on Tuesday. I wrote a practice essay (untimed) and I feel like its too long for me to write in 45 mins. I think I've done multiple things wrong but I'm not quite sure what. My introduction and conclusion are also quite short, but I don't know how to expand them. If anyone is willing to read the essay and give me some feedback I'd really appreciate it!
Hope you get good marks in your essay :)
 

Minari243

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I guess I'm a bit late as you did the essay today, but looking forward, especially as HSC English requires much essay writing, there are a couple of things I'd suggest.

You have a good way of writing and your language and reference to the book are very good. Your introduction and conclusion are very short and you'll need to work on this. Personally, when writing essays, I use my introduction to provide a bit of context and try to hook the readers in. If I was given this question, I'd use my introduction to discuss power itself and how it's attained, then link this briefly to the character in question. If you want an example, message me and I can do one for you quickly. The conclusion should be one of the strongest parts of the essays, so it needs to have substance. I always link my conclusions to my introductions and sum up my entire argument. Again, if you want an example, just message.

Another little suggestion is, throughout your writing, use conjunctions to link two short sentences together. You have many short sentences within your essays and I feel that if you linked them together the piece flows more continuously. For example, One of Napoleon’s main tools for gaining power was violence. He does this by suppressing any contradicting ideas and frightening the animals. Can be linked together: One of Napoleon’s main tools for gaining power was through employing the use of violence, performed through suppressing any contradicting ideas and frightening the animals. Not only does it make the piece flow more effectively, but you cut down words too, which makes it easier to write.

Just some thoughts - the essay was very good though :)
Thank you for the advice!! I think i did well in the exam, I worded some things badly because of the time constraint but I think my general answer to the thesis question and my analysis was good. I’ll make sure to ask you for help if I need any :))
 

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