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Oh I thought I could use colloquial language because it's creative writing, not an essay, but thank you for your feedback it has helped me see my weakpoints in this writing piece, much appreciated :)

Hello forum, I'd just like some feedback on my creative writing piece for English, I'm in standard and in year 11, I'm not a bright kid.. I'm just average, this is worth 15 marks and i'm just curious on second opinions on my effort. PS: Teacher has not marked it yet, thanks!