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Could someone please critize my 'Belonging' creative? (attached) (1 Viewer)

Aaron_Atkins91

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Joined
Feb 28, 2009
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6
Location
Liverpool, Sydney
Gender
Male
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2010
Hi, This is just a quick creative i wrote at the suggestion of my teacher, mainly i was trying to brush on my language skills. If you could read and tell me what i need to brush up on it would be much appreaciated, thanks in advance. :hippie:
 

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