critique (1 Viewer)

[redruM]

Reprise

Like the constant clattering of an organ like instrument that sound…it echoes a million words, a thousand sentences. Peeling and poking under new, uninhabited layer of my mind. Just when the thought of it ending would come across, it would return. Not a moment out of co-ordination. Perfectly in sync with the body’s, and the mind’s, pattern. As if it was a part of it.
An uplifting feeling? Each one of those thousand sentences would describe an individual feeling. CLARITY. Clarity came to mind at first. Absolute clarity from all worries, everything. Not a disregard for anything, but rather an acceptance of them being there; an acceptance that they are part of who I am, who I can be. Not provoking anything…it is much beyond that. A higher quality that is beyond one that would just present itself. This taps into those places in you mind that haven’t been touched before, that have remained hidden and caged from living. As sort of an form of escapism and retreat from the superficial happiness.

Why am I writing this? Because those parts of my mind have been touched by a wave. To define it as simply a calming wave would do it injustice. It would do me injustice for its true and complete beauty would be unseen.
Not to explain my new thoughts or feelings to the world, but to explain them to myself. The person who I wish to become lies within myself and it gets stimulated with the echoes of that sound. Even though I am simply hearing it, I wish to feel it. I wish to see it with my eyes, I wish to touch it with my hands, I wish to smell it when I breathe, I wish to feel it within my soul. I wish to see it in everything. What do I wish again? CLARITY. That’s the word that would describe my state of mind. But I know it is much more than that. It’s the ultimate feeling of contempt.
I have felt like this once before. This time, though, the feeling is much more to do with me as a person. And not an outside being. This will help me mature as a person. It will guide to being a better person. It will take me to a place where I will be happy with living, not just life.

what do you think of this? very broad question, i know, but looking for how/what people think of it...

 

[silvermoon]

i liked the premise of it and there's certainly some unique imagery in there. overall i think it's an interesting piece. my biggest criticism would be that i think that it is, as it currently stands, a little too long with a little too much flowery language. Your descriptions are excellent and inventive, don't get me wrong, I just think that most people reading it will begin to feel a little overwhelmed by excessive imagery. try some very short sentences perhaps to break it up? this would vary the tone a little too and that can only add more depth to the piece. But an excellent effort overall.

btw, have you created this for some specific purpose, or just your own enjoyment?

 

[redruM]

no specific purpose. just an improptu(sp?) thing that i wrote.

i'd rather not say what made me write that or where the "inspiration" came from, i'd like others to make inferences.