MedVision ad

Essay's (1 Viewer)

Comrade nathan

Active Member
Joined
Mar 30, 2004
Messages
1,170
Gender
Undisclosed
HSC
2004
I have came first in my year for ancient history but the class only has 6. I got 68% in the trial's and im hoping to emprove that by 10% for the HSC. Having a small class makes it hard for me to compare essay size and quality. Im going to copy a essay i created (it has no conclusion) and if some people want to they could paster up essay's of there own. It is hard to compare with written essay's bu on average i will do 3 -4 pages in 40 minutes.





The Second Punic War was a clash of the western world power's Carthage which was damage society building back up from the result of the first punic war (262-241) and the new western world power Rome which had made many imperial advances from the first punic war. The main causes for the war was Romes new imperialist policies and the irational indemnity Carthage had to pay to Rome,Carthages expansion in Spain under control of the Barcids and Hannibals attack on saguntum. Hannibal Barca lead a important role for Second Punic War's causes and outcomes.

After the first punic war Hamilcar Barca had power to deal with the negotiation situation of peace and the policies to be impleid. Carthage lost the control it had in Sicily, it had to evacute all forces Sicily and all island between Sicily and Itally. This was a huge blow to the empire as Sicily had been a major province for resources, it had also been important for trade and it kept check on Rome's power. They also had to pay and unreasonable indemnity of 3200 talents per month. After the first punic war Carthage had no money to pay their mercenaries so they brought many to mainland North Africa to be kept in barracks untill pay was able. In 237 mercenaries marched to tunis captued the city but was latter defeated by Carthage. During this time Rome had a friendly policy towards Carthage. In 237 in Sardina Rome change there attitude, the garrison control there was driven out by natives due to lake of mercenary control. Rome under consul Gracchus came to the Sardinians aid and help drive out the Carthagians. Carthage was outraged and said that this move agaisnt the peace treaty of 241 bc, and they perpared to reoccupy. Rome declared this as a act of war and issued them a penelty which carthage to accept. They also raised the indemnity 1200 talents which polybuis stated as unjustly. Rome then occupied Sardina and Corcisa making a pittyfull empire of Carthage which accounted for their latter reason for agaisnt Rome in the second Punic War and the building of the Barcid Family Hatred of Rome due to this humilation which was passed down to the to be general Hannibal of the second punic war. This Imperialist action of the post Punic War was a cause for the second punic war.

Spain was a land rich in timber, minerals (espically silver) and various tribes which had excellent men fit for fighting. Carthage due to the blow of the first punic war was in a economic slump, so they sent Hamilcar Barca to spain (also sent him due to fear of Oligarchs losing their power).Carthage needed to control Spain to regain power and to repay the indemnity to Rome, Hamilcar went to spain in 237 with a force of Libyans and a large number of elephants, he also took his son in law Hasdrubal and his nine year old son Hannibal (before hand he made Hannibal make a pledge on a ?????? to deafeat rome with fire and steal as told by Polybuis). Hamilcar fought many of the Spanish tribes and united them under his rule, polybuis says that Hamilcar's intention was to use Spain to attack Rome. When Hamilcar was drowned in 229 command was handed over to his son-in-law Hasdrubal. Polybuis gives tells us that he was a diplomatic man and "friendly relations he had established with the local cheiftons". In 226 Rome became concerned with the growing Punic expansion and Hasdrubal sigend the Ebro treaty which stated that Carthage control shall not expand beyond North of the Ebro river and Rome shall not expand south of the Ebro river. Saguntum always had good relations with Rome it is not known when this was established but it still continued past the Ebro treaty signing. Most contempory sources say that this was teh cause of the second punic war. They claim that when Hannibal took control with no opposition after 221 when Hasdrubal was assasinated he feared that Rome would use Saguntum as a bully tactic like they did in Sardina. Hannibal attack Saguntum in 219 which was a pre emptive action to start war as Hannibal sent his troops away for teh winter while he planned ot attack Rome next summer. Lazenby backs this up in p.27 "if hannibal backed down over Saguntum, there would of been little doubt that Roman interference would have stoped there".

Hannibal's individual role was the most important of the Second Punic War. When Carthage first expanded in Spain their main goal was to build a army to engage in a war against Rome backed by many modern and ancient writers such as polybuis when talking about the resources in Spain " using the resources to prepare for war against Rome". When Hannibal came into command his main objective was war with Rome. His first move was the attack on Saguntum. This was the first incident of the second punic war, it was pre emptive attack. Hannibal planned to fight a war with Rome front on, he did not want to go by boat or fight on more then one front. To fight Rome directly he needed to cross the alps and leaving Spain without attending to Saguntum would of allowed Rome epxansion into Spain and an army coming up Hannibals flank backed by Lazenby p 27. Hannibals plan to Cross the alps was based on teh theory he would get the needed support of the Gallic and celt tribes, which after Ticinis many joined him. Hannibal choose not to attack the city of Rome directly and planned to attack the cities accross Italy. The idea was to break up the confedarcy and game Italian allies. The battle of Cannae 216 which Polybuis in book 3: 9 states was Hannibals highest mark of his military carrer. After the 216 things started to fall apart for Hannibals campaign. The oligarchs in Carthage did not send reinforcements to Italy but to Spain to reinforce the brother Hasdrubal, the also didnt send the boats to Macedonia which would of help Philip V send men to Italy. This lack of men caused many towns to become ungarrisioned and many towns that change leagence to Hannibal in the latter years rebeled agaisnt him. Hanibal after the battle of Metaurus in 207 which his brother had left Spain in deafet to help Hannibal was killed in, Hannibal saw the need for himself to reutrn back to Carthage. Things were truely going down hill for Hannibal and the future of Carthage. Hannibal left for Carthage to save what he could and for the future to negiotate peace terms with Rome. The last battle of the second punic war was at Zama 202 which was a defeat for Hannibal and Carthage, Scipio made peace terms and under Hannibals advice Carthage took them.
 

illin

Ill factor
Joined
Mar 24, 2004
Messages
188
Location
Wouldn't you like to know?
Gender
Male
HSC
2005
need a conclusion as well

the most important thing about an essay is that it flows and urs is alright.
ur too narative in some parts where u need more analysis. What is the question in the first place
just remember have a strong opening sentence. Markers look at ur opening sentence and guage ur essay into a band from the intro. Cane ur intro and also have strong topic sentences for ur paragraphs, there is heaps more u need. Talk to ur teacher and get a precise essay scaffold to use. It will make ur essays better

btw i also do ancient but there are 28 pl in the class so its easier to compare. when ur coming first ur set. ur mark will jump up
 

Caratacus

Member
Joined
May 12, 2004
Messages
140
Location
The Wild Mountains, Ancient Britain
Gender
Male
HSC
N/A
Spelling and punctuation are important in gaining a reasonable essay mark.

So please note:

Essays NOT essay's

improve NOT emprove

trials NOT trial's

essays of their own NOT essay's of there own

powers NOT power's

etc

Hey - every time you see an s you do not have to put an apostrophe in front of it!

:)

The essay needs an introduction which indicates your line on the question, shows you are responding to the HSC verb, and previews your main points; and a conclusion which reviews your main points and presents your final take on the question.
 

silvermoon

caffeine fiend
Joined
Mar 14, 2004
Messages
1,834
Location
getting the blood out of my caffeine system
Gender
Female
HSC
2004
im gunna assume that the spelling and grammer uve written here ISNT an accurate copy of what was written in ur exam - there are way too many errors in this department for my liking, but, thankfully, that can be easily fixed.
you need to work on topic sentences, intros and conclusions. also, different paragraphing and sentence structure would strengthen this essay dramatically. oh, one more thing, its hard to tell since its typed, but isnt it a little short? meh, it might not be - like i said, its very hard to judge how long that is written.
in general, its a pretty good effort - most of the things that need to be improved are stylistic, rather than content, which is good - i dont do this period, but it came across as if you knew what you were talking about, which is always good.
oh, what was the question and did you type ????? because you couldnt read your writing (small problem there if thats the case) or...what? i don't understand why these question marks are there.
oh, and avoid putting things in brackets in an essay - if it isnt important enough to the sentence to actually write it in properly, then get rid of it.
 

Comrade nathan

Active Member
Joined
Mar 30, 2004
Messages
1,170
Gender
Undisclosed
HSC
2004
This wasn't a essay from a test. It was one of the teacher's usuall essay he gets us to do. At the time i was going to use a writer for my tests so i decided i would type the essay. Now i have been denied a writer.

The question was a "what were the causes of teh second punic war". I left out the conclusion i forgot or something.Basically im shit when it comes to punction and spelling. I want make any good improvements in the time till the HSC so i have to take the loses there.

Thanks for the tips. Thoose are mostly the same as the teacher has told. I would like someone if they could paste their essay on here so i can see current ones.
 

Caratacus

Member
Joined
May 12, 2004
Messages
140
Location
The Wild Mountains, Ancient Britain
Gender
Male
HSC
N/A
Hey Comrade Nathan! Has your teacher given you access to the Board of Studies Ancient History Standards Referencing & Exemplars CDs? If not, ask them to. They contain example essays from prefious HSCs, & even if they don't include your topic you can get an idea of how to put them together. I actually think your essay is good, but needs a bit of a structural scrub-up (eg Intro & conclusion & more references to primary & secondary sources to support your argument).

Love your signature quote!
 

angelduck

Active Member
Joined
Mar 19, 2004
Messages
1,878
Location
Behind a rock with a glitter gun poised and ready
Gender
Female
HSC
2004
I dont know what other teachrs say, but mine, oh the harpy queen, says to do essays in themes, its easier to read, and i got soooo confused during that! Then again, i am duckie, so, well, yeah, i think that explains that!

But, doing it in themes is a good way to go, so ur not just writing a narrative like story thing (yeah, i know reni, bad grammer, but get ova it girl)
 

silvermoon

caffeine fiend
Joined
Mar 14, 2004
Messages
1,834
Location
getting the blood out of my caffeine system
Gender
Female
HSC
2004
angelduck said:
I dont know what other teachrs say, but mine, oh the harpy queen, says to do essays in themes, its easier to read, and i got soooo confused during that! Then again, i am duckie, so, well, yeah, i think that explains that!

But, doing it in themes is a good way to go, so ur not just writing a narrative like story thing (yeah, i know reni, bad grammer, but get ova it girl)
to rephrase angela's incoherent babbling: *ahem*
your essay will read better if you can organise it into themes (eg. senate losing power, power of generals etc.) rather than organising your material chronologically. even though you may find that you are saying the exact same things, just in a different order, the essay will read as being written by a person who has done more than just rote learn the order of events.
 

Users Who Are Viewing This Thread (Users: 0, Guests: 1)

Top