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Feedback For Essay Please [Standard English] (1 Viewer)

Lemiixem

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Hey guys, I have just recently received my marks back for my second assessment task for english and my marks are appalling. Could you guys please read my essay and tell me where am I going wrong and what would you give it out of /15.

Henry Lawson is an Australian writer who uses distinctively visual stories to create unforgettable images and engage responders with the Australian values and stories of surviving in the harsh Australian outback and the bush.
Through Henry Lawson's short stories, The Loaded Dog and The Drover's Wife, Henry Lawson portrays the Australian outback and bush as a harsh and relentless environment for survival.


The Short story "The Drover's Wife" by Henry Lawson is about a mother who is left alone to take care of her four children. The mother faces many threats living in the Australian bush and has to fend for herself and her children.
By Henry Lawson using an anonymous bush woman as his protagonist makes the story significant as people in the same position as the protagonist can relate to it.


In the opening paragraph Henry Lawson establishes the harshness of their isolated environment. We are presented with negative visual and auditory images of "The stunted, rotten native apple trees" and "a few sheoaks … sighing above the narrow, almost waterless creek" in which is juxtaposed with "The gaunt sun-brown women" and her "Four ragged, dried up looking children". Henry Lawson’s emphasis on the environment and its inhabitants shapes our meaning of the Australian values of an ‘Aussie Battler’ and surviving in the harsh relentless Australian environment.


Henry lawson through the use of time markers and flashbacks, ‘it must be near mourning now’ and ‘it must be near daylight’ creates and builds suspense towards the responder. For each time marker or flash back, the responder is exposed to a story about the mother’s hardship and suffering to defend for herself and her children from harm. The mother has had to overcome many situations “she fought a bush fire...She fought a flood...She also fought...a mad bullock” and now a snake. Henry Lawson’s use of time markers and flashbacks emphasizes the hardship and suffering the mother has to endure living in the harsh Australian bush.


Similarly to “The Drover’s Wife” is the photograph “The Drover” by Jeff Carter.
The title of the photograph “The Drover” focusses the responder’s attention on the male, the drover himself whereas in “The Drover’s wife” focusses the responder the on wife’s hardship and suffering.
In the photograph "The Drover", the family is portrayed seated on the ledge of the truck. The Picture of the trucks clearly suggests to the responder their mobile and nomadic lifestyle, as the truck is their home. The rough and rustic appearance of the truck, and the calloused appearance of the father's hand and his ragged stained shirt is contrasted with the long pure white gown of the baby. This evokes to the responder the sacrifices the family has made to protect their children.
Similar to that is "The Drover's Wife" who has to endure similar conditions to that in the photograph "The Drover". The mother in "The Drover's wife" has to endure poor living conditions in a "two roomed house…built of …stringy bark, and floored with split slabs".
The composer's use of basic building materials in the description creates the sense of a weak and frail house in which the mother has to utilize to protect her children from the harsh Australian Bush.
The surroundings in the photograph "The Drover" and the opening paragraph of "The Drover's Wife" allows the responder to visualize the harsh living conditions of the Australian Bush and reflects the Australian Values of an 'Aussie Battler'.


Another Short Story By Henry Lawson is “The Loaded Dog” is an archetypical story about mischief and trouble boys can create. Andy and Dave’s method of fishing proved to be unsuccessful until Dave came up with an idea “Why not blow the fish up in the big water-hole with a cartridge?” This soon became a reality when Tommy, their pet dog picks up the live cartridge and chases them with it in his mouth.


Lawson employs “black humour” to tell stories of mateship to engage readers with Australian values. An example of black humour is when Jim, Dave and Andy are seen foolishly following each other when being chased by Tommy the dog who has a live stick of dynamite in his mouth, Jim’s absentminded decision to climb a small sapling that was clearly too weak meant that the weight would cause the small tree to break. Tommy is seen gently laying the cartridge down by the sapling “as carefully as if it was a kitten” which creates a sense of black humour which engages the responder with the Australian Values.


Tommy is seen as a significant symbol for mateship. Tommy is the catalyst for the adventures and mischief that Dave, Jim and Andy are involved in. Tommy’s role as a retriever started the adventure as he has a live cartridge in his mouth. Tommy pursues Dave, Jim and Andy without knowing he has a live cartridge, joyously whirls around Dave, Jim and Andy as though he thinks they are playing a game with him. At the end of their adventure, Henry Lawson employs the use of colloquial language “El-lo Da-a-ve! How’s the fishin’ getting on, Da-a-ve? shows Australian values in that they love to remind their friend of mistakes and past misadventures.


Similarly to “The Loaded Dog” is the musical “The Cell Block Tango” written by J. Kander and F. Ebb, Choreography by Bob Fosse. Which is about six Merry Murderesses from Cooks County Jail who tell their story about how they murdered their victim.
Each of the Merry Murderesses are seen holding a red scarf. The red scarf represents a weapon for each of the Merry Murderesses with the red color of the scarf representing the blood from the aftermath of their assault. When the scarf crosses the throat of the victim, the music reaches a climatic rhythmic which engages the responder with the sudden change in pace. During the Climatic rhythmic, snare drums can be heard being played which creates a parade-like environment giving the effect that the Merry Murderesses are in control of their killings and the snare drums also creates a sense that the Merry Murderesses enjoyed killing their victims.
Similarly to that is “The Loaded Dog”, the cartridge held in Tommy’s mouth is also represented as a murder weapon. Tommy is seen as the one that is in control of the weapon but is clueless of what he is doing with the live cartridge whereas in “The Cell Block Tango” the Merry Murderesses are in complete control of their weapon and are fully aware of what they are doing.


In conclusion, Henry Lawson’s Short stories creates distinctively visual stories that engages the responder with the Australian values and stories of the archetypal ‘Aussie Battler’ and surviving in the harsh Australia Bush. Henry Lawson’s short stories also reminds the responder of the foundation of Australia back in the 1800s which shapes our meaning in today’s society.
 

Skeptyks

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I think people would need the question to help mark and you would be better off giving it to a teacher to review..
 

enoilgam

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*Moved to Standard english forums*

Try to keep the advice constructive guys.
 

ismeta

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For one, all the texts you're discussing need to be introduced in the introductory paragraph (as well as mentioned in the conclusion). Also, the inclusion of the Cell Block Tango doesn't make a lot of sense. It doesn't contribute to an overall point and doesn't appear to be relevant - from my impression of the thesis being something about Australian values being conveyed to the reader. (Chicago isn't in Australia!)

But, yes, it would be great if you could ask your teacher to tell you what's wrong with the essay.
 

pokka

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Ok so here's my advice after just skimming through your essay:
1) If you're going to introduce another text (Cell Block Tango), introduce it in your opening paragraph and have a thesis which specifies the ideas which are explored in both your texts (and answers the question directly).
2) I'm not sure about your structure of your paragraphs. Usually for each paragraph in the body, you would start with a topic sentence which introduces the idea (each paragraph has a different idea)you are about to talk about in the paragraph. After that analyse the techniques and explain why/how it is related to that idea. I think you're just listing techniques so maybe focus more on just developing your explanation of the idea.
Yeh, that's all i can roughly say but yeh if i were you i would definitely go ask your teacher on advice to improve.
 

cunliffe

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I don't think any of the people who have answered are familiar with the Distinctively Visual rubric and so they are struggling to give relevant advice. You do need to get some feedback from the marker or your class teacher. You make some relevant points about the texts but you drift into talking about them as texts in a thematic study. You need to start each paragraph by identifying a 'distinctively visual' image in the text that is relevant to the purpose of the text. You should do this in the topic sentence-then choose two or three language techniques and explain how Lawson uses these to create the 'distinctively visual image'. Then do it all over again. For example the purpose of 'The Drover's is to explore the challenges of bush life for women and their children (that's one way of putting it). Lawson begins the story with the 'distinctively visual' image of the harsh landscape. Some of the techniques (from memory) that create this image are the personification of the 'she oaks sighing'; the repetition of 'no' in that list of negatives about the bush (can't remember the quote) and so on. Obviously you need to answer the set question and integrate the discussion of the texts. Choose a broad thesis-that distinctively visual images in texts lead us to a better understanding of ourselves and the world.
 

tigerian

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As an English teacher I totally agree with Cunliffe above. It is very important that you get feedback from the relevant people and those who are clearly aware of what is involved in the Distinctly Visual section of Module A standard English. You need to be aware of the comment about distinctly visual images and the relevance and the audience. I agree with above and just want you to be careful that the advice is logical and relates closest to the rubic . if you are unsure of the rubric you can find it on the Board of studies site . All the best
 

nd16

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You need to work on structure and also include more quotes and techniques. Ask your teaccher to help :)
 

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