Hey can anyone give me a few tips for my creative writing piece plz!!! (1 Viewer)

[Happynugget]

Okay so I'm doing discoveries for the HSC English standard course next year and i just need an honest opinion on how my writing should be improved for the AOS Discovery Creative Writing piece for English. Disclaimer: this is just the first 2 paragraphs of my creative so far..... enjoy!

Small crystal beads creeped out of the inner corner of my eye, one after another, Finally the tears went overboard and came rushing downwards onto my bright red cheeks like a river escaping the dam. I collapse onto the floor whilst gripping tightly onto the phone. I feel like I’m drowning, and I cannot be rescued. A flood full of memorable moments swim thorough my brain, causing a lump in my throat, finding it hard to swallow within each quick burst of memories my great grandfather and I shared together captured though a slideshow running in my brain. How could this happen?
I run into the bathroom and splash cold water on my face, however this time the icy, cold water is doesn’t make me feel refreshed, instead sending cold shivers trickling down my spine followed by goose bumps as the shock of losing him created a chilling feeling in me and the emptiness found shelter into my soul.

Gracias muchachos!!

 

[jazz519]

You need to have less like saying what's happening and more descriptions of the setting. the reader should be able to tell what is going on from those descriptions. For example saying like 'I feel like I'm drowning, and I cannot be rescued' I wouldn't write that bit (the feelings of despair and being overwhelmed are already portrayed through the tears, gripping tightly on the phone and the flood of memorable moments.

Also, some your descriptions, the adjectives and verbs etc. you used could be improved to more complex words (use a thesaurus but make sure it actually makes sense cause sometimes those words on there dont apply to all situations). For example the part about goosebumps instead of exactly saying that you could describe them as 'however, this time the icy, cold water doesn't make me feel refreshed, instead sending cold shivers reverberating up and down my spine, leaving my skin flushed and pasty as the shock of losing him hit me like the intricate needlelike bumps that covered my body ..

Finally, try to include some more language techniques such as ellipsis, truncated sentences etc those are the types of things that markers look for as well as it shows the control of the language in the creative

It’s a good first start through

 

[Happynugget]

Oh god! now i can see what you mean thank you for your time and help. I'm honestly terrible at English and i really don't know how else i could improve? Can you gladly share any more tips?? I'm willing to do anything to improve Also do u think writing a 750 words creative per fortnight will improve my writing? Anything i should implement now before the HSC exam next year?

Thankyou Jasnoor

 

[jazz519]

Oh god! now i can see what you mean thank you for your time and help. I'm honestly terrible at English and i really don't know how else i could improve? Can you gladly share any more tips?? I'm willing to do anything to improve Also do u think writing a 750 words creative per fortnight will improve my writing? Anything i should implement now before the HSC exam next year?

Thankyou Jasnoor

No worries here are some posts I have written before to other people for advice:
http://community.boredofstudies.org/7/english-advanced/369066/aos-short-answers.html#post7262614
http://community.boredofstudies.org...-when-choosing-related-texts.html#post7263162
http://community.boredofstudies.org/7/english-advanced/369028/thesis-statements.html#post7262565
http://community.boredofstudies.org/4/english/368990/how-many-pages-band-6-eng.html#post7262313
http://community.boredofstudies.org...874/creative-writing-english.html#post7262163
http://community.boredofstudies.org/4/english/368882/should-i-memorise-my-essays.html#post7262106
http://community.boredofstudies.org/7/english-advanced/368851/extract-text.html#post7261906
http://community.boredofstudies.org...368598/clutch-band-6-stories.html#post7261412
http://community.boredofstudies.org...t-does-mean-its-easier-score.html#post7261194
http://community.boredofstudies.org.../any-tips-starting-year-11-a.html#post7260875

In terms of writing a creative every fortnight maybe that might work for you, but the way I studied English was a bit different (probably cause didn't like the subject but was good at it so just tried to put smallest amount of effort I could get away with lol). Instead of doing past papers (did 0 the whole year), I'd just make an essay, fix it up after feedback, memorise, bs on the day for the exam q to adapt it, and then repeat the process I just said until by trial 3 I was getting like mid to high 90s/105. But even still after that I edited my essays a lot prior to the HSC (even completely rewrote half of Mod A which I got like a 19/20 for and discovery essay 14/15 to make them even better).

But in saying that practicing for other people works well, so you just gotta just find what works for you

 

[Happynugget]

Hey Girl! thanks for your advise 3 last questions: Do u think i should get a tutor? p.s i'm currently getting 75/100 for English as a final report mark. Also when should i start making study notes for my all subjects?? Is it earlier the better? Do u have any regrets in terms of your study routine or overall yr 12 (congrats on your atar mark!)

 

[jazz519]

Hey Girl! thanks for your advise 1 last question: Do u think i should get a tutor? p.s i'm currently getting 75/100 for English as a final report mark

Yeah its something you should consider, and will probably help you quite a lot, but make sure you look around a bit first since some tutors are really good while others not so much

 

[Vankyrie Ludenberg]

hey!
For AOS creatives, you need to get things going as you are restricted by time/your writing speed. What's the discovery concept behind your story? Do you have a paragraph plan of how the narrative will progress? What the reader learns from the first two paragraphs is: the main character is devastated from losing his/her grandpa. Depending on how your story runs, you could really condense these first two paragraphs- can you convey this in less words? (unless this is the main discovery)

In terms of writing style, it seems a bit melodramatic. "Small crystal beads creeped out of the inner corner of my eye"- uh, really? does the reader really need to know that it's from the inner corner of the main character's eye? Perhaps a better way to express the character's emotions is with a motif (so you can have a before/after thing going on where the motif shows how the character changes as a result of the discovery). Extraneous description can detract from the quality of the creative. On that note, it would be good to contextualize your story. Atm it's like everything's happening in a floating box- set it in reality so that it's more believable!

I struggled with english this year but I found that wide reading really did help with cultivating a sense of what's "good" writing. Also, starting with a specific setting can get the ideas coming- there are lots of problems/struggles in this world that you can write about. Hope this helped!

 

[Happynugget]

Thanks for the advice! Your right i have really dramatized the story, but don't worry i'm starting again. Can u recommend any good books that have improved your English?? Also, would u mind checking below to see if this is any better that the other AOS creative:

p.s I've just written this in the last 15 mins and it has nothing to do with discoveries. Give me your honest opinion pls

'Good morning' he politely greeted me as i entered the office with my hands tightly clasped onto a cardboard tray holder, carrying the coffee for our team. Latte, no sugar for you right? Actually, i forgot to tell you um.. well how do I put this 'I've given up drinking coffee'. What! I screeched 'You see, I've written in my diary that this year is a new year and a new me and I can hopefully also lose a couple dress sizes as well'. So you think quitting coffee is going to bring your weight down, do you? We both laugh. 'I hate to break it to you Jess but no more sugar, no more booze and working out in the gym a couple of time a week are my goals this year and now tell me will you be joining me too'. I almost puked, no more booze, you're insane, Oh no! that also means that no more parties or family occasions spent together playing drinking games. Yep! he sighed. You health conscious freak I yelled. 'It's not the end of the world, it will be fun' he added sarcastically. We hugged. 'See you soon love' Bye I replied, still feeling annoyed. I entered into the lift and headed up 2 floors to my huge office that overlooked the breathtaking harbour view at Sydney.....

 

[Vankyrie Ludenberg]

Just some of the more exciting reads: 1984 Orwell (his style is very readable so if you do him for a module its two birds with one stone ), Perfume (it's absurdist and pretty funny/spooky, but the description was actually amazing), Long walk to freedom (Nelson Mandela- I think this clearly demonstrates what makes a "strong character voice"). Also, reading isnt the only way to improve your english! What other media do you consume- Movies/comics/anime/TV/articles? English/languages and other mediums like art provide a way for people to communicate ideas. So be active and critical of whatever you're watching/reading - this includes identifying techniques (lmao) and evaluating how effectively the idea has been communicated. This includes shitting on bad movies!! But you have to try and pinpoint what exactly made it bad. And by doing so, you'll understand the process behind composition better~ (man that was a bit rambly lol)

Alright, the new one made me want to laugh a bit. But I felt a bit more engaged because it seemed more natural/believable. The lack of punctuation made the conversation a bit confusing. Again, there was unnecessary description "cardboard tray holder", and some out of place drama "I almost puked" (so wait, is the main character an alcoholic? it sounds sarcastic) "Oh no!" (???? LOL ). I think there was some inconsistency in the relationship between the characters ("see you soon love" implies that they're really close so why would character 1 greeting character 2 be "polite"? + why are they having this exchange in the office? Maybe I'm being nitpicky ;-; ) However, I think you created a light cheery atmosphere effectively. Also, instead of describing the view as "breathtaking" you could describe what's actually in the harbour and use this to reflect the character's feelings/whatever.

It's a bit hard to tell which is better without seeing the idea behind it. But the second one is more natural

 

[red152]

I would avoid cliches such as the shivering down my spine one.