is this a discursive piece...feedback and suggestions welcome! (1 Viewer)

LoanWoolfq

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Looking back over the years of my life, I perceive little gain for man. Only the pestilences, plagues, throes and wars punctuate the ages with little difference from the previous century. Yet what is to define human progression? Nor law, nor age, nor class, nor rank have changed the form of life or the progression of man; for the topic of human progression is only defined by the criterion of man. Thus we, as mortal human, are drawn to consider the improvements we make as meagre in the real scheme of reality. The systems of society, both capitalism and communism both have their downfalls. Religion too, has ceased to impact the people’s minds and actions. Thereby, we are now endowed to push for realistic change. Yet, if not through religion nor societal organization then through what? For this, we must either look inward or outward, on a scale never perceived.

Inwardly, we must forensically analyze the propensity of man, is inner workings and his intrinsic value to the broad human condition. By peering inwardly, we can reappraise our innate proclivities and perhaps form a new progression of man, somewhat more withdrawn from his greed for power, money and acclamation. It is clear as time has progressed that these forces have marred both individuals, groups and whole continents. Thus, it is by analyzing the taxonomy of the inward human that we are given priceless insights that may perhaps give rise to a new progression of man.

If development must come through peering outward, we must consider the planet and our existence on a broad level, as being a link in the chain of a greater picture, as a stitch in an entire tapestry. This is the view we must take if we want to progress man in the essence of all existence. Outwardly we may be drawn to explore space and the universe, to learn the scale of time and magnitude, to perhaps give rise to our understanding of existence and understanding.

However, with both outward and inward looking we gain insights into human progression. Alas, the conclusion of human progression is we are bound by our knowledge, experience and ability to perceive the future. It is until we learn the answers to these factors, either solitarily or in union, that we will not progress.
 

idkkdi

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Looking back over the years of my life, I perceive little gain for man. Only the pestilences, plagues, throes and wars punctuate the ages with little difference from the previous century. Yet what is to define human progression? Nor law, nor age, nor class, nor rank have changed the form of life or the progression of man; for the topic of human progression is only defined by the criterion of man. Thus we, as mortal human, are drawn to consider the improvements we make as meagre in the real scheme of reality. The systems of society, both capitalism and communism both have their downfalls. Religion too, has ceased to impact the people’s minds and actions. Thereby, we are now endowed to push for realistic change. Yet, if not through religion nor societal organization then through what? For this, we must either look inward or outward, on a scale never perceived.

Inwardly, we must forensically analyze the propensity of man, is inner workings and his intrinsic value to the broad human condition. By peering inwardly, we can reappraise our innate proclivities and perhaps form a new progression of man, somewhat more withdrawn from his greed for power, money and acclamation. It is clear as time has progressed that these forces have marred both individuals, groups and whole continents. Thus, it is by analyzing the taxonomy of the inward human that we are given priceless insights that may perhaps give rise to a new progression of man.

If development must come through peering outward, we must consider the planet and our existence on a broad level, as being a link in the chain of a greater picture, as a stitch in an entire tapestry. This is the view we must take if we want to progress man in the essence of all existence. Outwardly we may be drawn to explore space and the universe, to learn the scale of time and magnitude, to perhaps give rise to our understanding of existence and understanding.

However, with both outward and inward looking we gain insights into human progression. Alas, the conclusion of human progression is we are bound by our knowledge, experience and ability to perceive the future. It is until we learn the answers to these factors, either solitarily or in union, that we will not progress.
Measly word count. Other than that, it's pretty good. You're kind of trying too hard to sound smart though.
 

jojosiwa123

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thanks


but isnt that the aim
the aim is to engage the reader and 'offer' ideas, especially different perspectives + viewpoints. rather than say "we must do xyz" it could be better to say "should we do xyz?"
I think you have a really strong voice and control of language but keep in mind it's not an analytical essay- personally, my teachers told us to incorporate a variety of techniques (including generally low modal language, personal anecdotes etc) throughout the piece to keep it engaging.

there's a really good set of discursive notes on here (can't find the link right now, sorry) but its by "hschelper01"- I think these will really help.
good luck :)
 

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