Credit to Nick for this one:
Legal Defences
I've been working on some new defences, which should be available in common law and statute:
The Bitch Had It Coming Defence:
The male response to the Battered Woman Syndrome defence, this should be used when a woman has driven a man to extreme measures, by cheating on him/not cooking dinner/not cooking dinner well enough/watching Oprah etc. The burden of proof is the defendant merely saying "the bitch had it coming", and not only will he be acquitted, he will also receive a shiny new pimp cane.
Example
Prosecutor: You murdered your wife
You: The bitch had it coming
Judge: Too right nigga, she shouldn't have watched Dr. Phil instead of getting you a beer. Have a pimpin' cane
This is a total defence against any and all crimes.
The Monty Python Defence:
Not so much a legal defence as a style of argument. Whenever confronted with facts that are adverse to your case, simply deny their existence. If you are accused of an action, just say that you didn't do it. With each successive accusation, add another twist of logic.
Example:
Prosecutor: You murdered your wife
You: No I didn't
Prosecutor: You stabbed her in the chest and used the blood to write a confession.
You: She did that. She thought it was only red ink.
Prosecutor: Why would your wife kill herself?
You: She didn't. She was sleeping.
Prosecutor: She stuck a knife in her chest and went to sleep?
You: Yeah, I mean she does it every night
Prosecutor: But she's dead. Deceased. Expired. She has no pulse. They're going to stick her in the ground.
You: Oh don't do that, she'll wake up soon enough. She's Norwegian, they all sleep like that.
Prosecutor: Your Honour, I would like you to hold the accused in contempt of-
You: Have you ever been to Norway
Prosecutor: No
You: So how do you know they don't sleep like that?
Prosecutor: Because people don't-
You: They have lovely mooses over there you know
(repeat ad infinitum)
Eventually your opponents will be unable to match your mighty arguing abilities.
Legal Defences
I've been working on some new defences, which should be available in common law and statute:
The Bitch Had It Coming Defence:
The male response to the Battered Woman Syndrome defence, this should be used when a woman has driven a man to extreme measures, by cheating on him/not cooking dinner/not cooking dinner well enough/watching Oprah etc. The burden of proof is the defendant merely saying "the bitch had it coming", and not only will he be acquitted, he will also receive a shiny new pimp cane.
Example
Prosecutor: You murdered your wife
You: The bitch had it coming
Judge: Too right nigga, she shouldn't have watched Dr. Phil instead of getting you a beer. Have a pimpin' cane
This is a total defence against any and all crimes.
The Monty Python Defence:
Not so much a legal defence as a style of argument. Whenever confronted with facts that are adverse to your case, simply deny their existence. If you are accused of an action, just say that you didn't do it. With each successive accusation, add another twist of logic.
Example:
Prosecutor: You murdered your wife
You: No I didn't
Prosecutor: You stabbed her in the chest and used the blood to write a confession.
You: She did that. She thought it was only red ink.
Prosecutor: Why would your wife kill herself?
You: She didn't. She was sleeping.
Prosecutor: She stuck a knife in her chest and went to sleep?
You: Yeah, I mean she does it every night
Prosecutor: But she's dead. Deceased. Expired. She has no pulse. They're going to stick her in the ground.
You: Oh don't do that, she'll wake up soon enough. She's Norwegian, they all sleep like that.
Prosecutor: Your Honour, I would like you to hold the accused in contempt of-
You: Have you ever been to Norway
Prosecutor: No
You: So how do you know they don't sleep like that?
Prosecutor: Because people don't-
You: They have lovely mooses over there you know
(repeat ad infinitum)
Eventually your opponents will be unable to match your mighty arguing abilities.
