MedVision ad

my creative story (1 Viewer)

dsims

New Member
Joined
Jul 23, 2007
Messages
2
Gender
Male
HSC
2007
[FONT=&quot]I felt as though I had been wondering aimlessly out here for days as the seconds and minutes stretched on under the relentless heat of the Australian outback sun, but as sure as I could be according to my watch it had been no more than a few hours since everything went wrong this morning. The search for my car I felt would be in vain![/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I awoke to the unbearable howling and hissing wind spraying sand across my modest little tent with such force as to break the poles supporting its frail frame as I quickly scrambled out of my fast disappearing tent I was unable to grab my orienteering equipment or any food supplies. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I got to my feet and ran, glancing back to see my tent being completely swallowed by the unforgiving sands of the desert. I took shelter behind a large cluster of rocks and as I waited for the sand storm to pass with the pelting sand embedding itself within me it was gone almost as quickly as it had come leaving me with an unrecognisably surrounding, everything completely altered.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]My mouth was harsh with the grit of the sand grinding away at my teeth and carpeting along far down my throat but I wouldn’t dare of greedily cleansing myself of this discomfort with what little water I had in my canteen, I frank from its rejuvenating depths sacrilegiously, savouring what little amount I treated myself too, I knew it would not last me the day but this thought wasn’t the worst of my worries as the sun let its presence be felt ever stronger with its roar of sunshine growing stronger with each minute. I desperately need to find shade and escape its burning gaze.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Finding my car seemed like a long shot without my orienteering equipment but if I made it to the night I could use my knowledge of the stars to guide me there, all I needed now was a single blessing of shelter of some description and as every step grew agonisingly harder I thought the end was near when off into the distance I could see a tall figure reaching up into the heavens and with the inspiration it gave me I pushed on towards it.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]A tall tree stripped bare of any leaves or bark by the heat and sandpaper like winds of the desert, stood tall and proud the tree offering but one solitary beam of shade, I cherished its charity towards me and as I buckled over against its strong support I let myself slip into unconsciousness.[/FONT]
 

danish222

New Member
Joined
May 4, 2006
Messages
29
Gender
Female
HSC
2007
I assume you wanted advice/comments on your story?

Has some nice imagery in it.

I feel your sentences are too long at times- makes it hard for reader to follow. At least break it up with punctuation eg. , - ... ;

I'd delete the sentence 'The search for my car would be in vain!' because you are telling the reader too much for the start. Let them have something to figure out... so reveal it later on or just leave it till the last paragraph where you mention the car again.

Otherwise it sounds good. Perhaps you could add in another paragraph to add some depth to your story- seems a bit short. But that will leave you room for adapting to the exam question i guess.

Good luck :)
 

SnkinLikeAStone

New Member
Joined
Mar 22, 2007
Messages
3
Gender
Female
HSC
2007
This seems to be a good story and i like your use of language techniques, you've been quite descriptive and demonstrate you have a broad vocabulary. The only thing i noticed was maybe some of your sentences are too long.
 

Users Who Are Viewing This Thread (Users: 0, Guests: 1)

Top