Well I won't really comment on the content of the story, which is probably a bit strange I know, but I've never been a sci-fi fan, and personally cannot stand the genre... and whilst I don't know if vampire stories are considered sci-fi (?) it all feels the same to me. So I'll let someone else tell you what they think about the story itself.
As for your writing technique. I think it's good. I think it needs work as well. I haven't read your whole piece but initially I found it very hard to get into, simply because of the manner in which it was laid out. That whole prologue was one big paragraph and it probably should have been ten. Well, no, not ten, maybe three or four. It was suffocating trying to read it all in one hit. I need time to breathe.
This next thing is just a personal preference, you may take or leave it, and others probably completely disagree. But when the unknown man laughs like this: " 'hehehehehe…hahahahahahha' " I had to cringe. I felt like I was reading an email or a forum post, you get what I mean? Personally I don't think you need to write the actual laughter out, (like 'ha ha ha' or whatever) I reckon you should say something like 'The unknown man laughed' or whatever and just leave out the 'hehehe' and 'hahaha'. If you feel you do want to include it, maybe choose between a 'he' or a 'ha', dont have both. And if you do include it then space it out, and check your spelling... there's some double h's there... Have it like 'Ha ha ha' or something.
I dont know, again, that's just me, I can't stand seeing 'Ha ha hahaeheheh' written in a story. But you may disagree as might others.
Um check spelling, check grammar... I can't remember where it was but remember it's never 'me and Angelo did this' it's 'Angelo and I did this'... unless you're trying to establish a certain character's voice, but I didn't get that out of it.
Ok so these are pretty small things. Like I said I didn't read the whole thing, and yeah someone else can comment on your actual story.
But yeah, your writing style is good. Make sure you pay attention specifically to the way you write as well as what you write. I think if you do short story for EE2, you've got to, at some stage, look at the medium of the short story... The way you write it, how you write... You can play with these conventions, or you can adhere to them, like with everything... But experiment, find your style, and perfect it.
