English Extension 2! Where to start? (1 Viewer)

[Sweet16123]

How about this? I tried to edit it based on what you said.


They all approached the silver-shiny platform to board the Great Marine on a cold, windy day.

The Great Marine was a large, famous ship largely known for having explored every region in the world.

Rory, Emily, Louis and Liz were all well-known high school friends ready to relax and go on a holiday after a stressful and daunting HSC year. The sea captain approached the platform; guiding all the passengers with safety rules and guidelines; flattering, enticing and marveling his passengers. He offered pamphlets for information on destinations, services and costs; and gently escorted each passenger onto the main way of the ship; servicing them a glass of wine on their way in.

“Welcome aboard” yelled the Sea Captain after everyone had seated themselves. "Please enjoy this trip to the fullest extent, make yourself comfortable."

Liz sensed a degree of wickedness in his voice.

 

[Shadowdude]

You're going to write about the HSC year teenagers? Yeah... uhh, don't do it. If you can, don't even mention the HSC at all unless it's say, for effect.

Like I mentioned the HSC once in my story - but for humourous effect. It was like: "He conceded his mistake in grammar to his wife silently - this was a great setback to him as he had done HSC Advanced English in school, and the connotation of 'Advanced' meant he was to uphold a higher standard of use in the English language..." etc.


For now, that's... okay. What you want to do is write it all yourself for the first draft. THEN get opinions.

 

[yours]

I read through some of the feedback on your writing (sorry not all of it). I have also noticed your an/a problem.

Solution:

Use an before a word starting with a vowel sound. This is so because it allows the words to connect without jarring. Consider 'a apple' - your voice has to repeat the same 'a' sound twice, breaking the flow. 'An apple' solves this, as the 'n' serves to smoothly connect one vowel sound to another.

If in doubt, say it. If the noun starts with an a e i o u sound, use 'an'.

How about this? I tried to edit it based on what you said.


They all approached the silver-shiny platform to board the Great Marine on a cold, windy day. - play around with word choice

The Great Marine was a large, famous ship largely known for having explored every region in the world. - [I]why are they going on The Great Marine in particular? The reasons can further your plot. Family past? Historical significance? Ghost stories? Just some ideas.[/I]

Rory, Emily, Louis and Liz were all well-known high school friends ready to relax and go on a holiday after a stressful and daunting HSC year. The sea captain approached the platform; guiding all the passengers with safety rules and guidelines; flattering, enticing and marveling his passengers. He offered pamphlets for information on destinations, services and costs; and gently escorted each passenger onto the main way of the ship; servicing them a glass of wine on their way in. - I think using the HSC as a context might be seen as lazy by the markers. It does not mean you can't use it, but think about what it shows. Why is it significant that they have completed the HSC? Otherwise be open to more ideas regarding their backgrounds. They could be middle-aged, or they could be leading separate lives years after university. If they are teenagers, be careful not to be too angsty - markers see a lot of this and mark harshly. If this is going to be a murder/horror story, I can see you're building a contrast with the initial atmosphere. At first we shouldn't suspect that anything out of the ordinary might happen. Then along the trip you might gradually build tension.

“Welcome aboard” yelled the Sea Captain after everyone had seated themselves. "Please enjoy this trip to the fullest extent, make yourself comfortable." Please enjoy yourselves! - cut it off there. The setting is established. You can do more with the Sea Captain character later through other devices.

Liz sensed a degree of wickedness in his voice. Alright. Now a transition of some sort to the next scene/moment?

What is your plot line? You should figure this out first.

 

[Sweet16123]

What is the minimum amount of books/texts/movies you should take a look at?

 

[yours]

What is the minimum amount of books/texts/movies you should take a look at?

There is none. Do write more than 100 pages in your journal by the end though.

 

[Sweet16123]

How many should you read though?

 

[Shadowdude]

As many as you feel necessary. It's your research. If you find one book that does all of it - then great, but you better explain in your journal or Reflection Statement why you only referred to one book, for example.

 

[Deep Blue]

Aim to read a book a week. Any person should be able to do that. Say around at 350 page book, 50 pages a night (or more on the weekends less of weekdays), as an example.

 

[Shadowdude]

Aim to read a book a week. Any person should be able to do that. Say around at 350 page book, 50 pages a night (or more on the weekends less of weekdays), as an example.

A book a week? Isn't that a bit.. overkill. You can't just read any book, it has to be a relevant book too..

 

[Deep Blue]

A book a week? Isn't that a bit.. overkill. You can't just read any book, it has to be a relevant book too..

Well it depends on how you look at it. It's a good habit to get into, promotes wide reading, allows you to have a break from schoolwork while still actively engaging yourself with related (although not always) material and often stimulates imaginative thinking. And really, it's not that big of a commitment. I just think, as an English student and particularly an extension english student, its important to be always reading otherwise your ideas may have a tendency to become stagnant. It's not necessary but it sure helps.

 

[Sweet16123]

Well, I've changed my mind. I don't want to write about a haunted house anymore. Instead, I've figured it would be easier to write an love story.


His Love Was His Biggest Enemy

She sat across the other side of the dining hall gazing at her silver wedding ring and passionately kissing her soon-to-be husband; looking like she’d rather be nowhere else. I gazed at her all through the day. Her eyes were so pure, diligent, sophisticated and ravishing. Her hair smelt and looked as good as the freshest red rose. She looked and smelt so undeniably irresistible; but she was getting married to someone greatly undeserving. She seemed so immersed in love. How could anyone not leave her to be desired? She was the greatest gift a man would ever ask for. Everything about her; her looks, her eyes, her hair, her body language; all a man could desire.

We were at the Harmonious Cafeterias. This was my favourite cafeteria, mostly because most of my family traditions have been carried out here. I remember all the good times; the marriages, engagement parties, western traditions and birthdays which had been carried out here. Life used to be good until my wife died; until destruction was forced upon us all. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel partly guilty for falling in love so soon; however her undesirable, impeccable beauty flushes down all the guilt down the toilet.

I was drowning myself in wine; not being able to take an eye off her. All of a sudden, she got out of her comfortable position, I blatantly watched; every move she maked, every step she taked; my breathing got heavier. I watched her make steps towards me; I felt so gun-shy. The thought of her coming near me worked me up in a frenzy.

“Can I speak to you out on the terrace?” she gently whispered in my ear.

 

[yours]

Well, I've changed my mind. I don't want to write about a haunted house anymore. Instead, I've figured it would be easier to write an love story.


His Love Was His Biggest Enemy

She sat across the other side of the dining hall gazing at her silver wedding ring and passionately kissing her soon-to-be husband; looking like she’d rather be nowhere else. I gazed at her all through the day. Her eyes were so pure, diligent, sophisticated and ravishing. Her hair smelt and looked as good as the freshest red rose. She looked and smelt so undeniably irresistible; but she was getting married to someone greatly undeserving. She seemed so immersed in love. How could anyone not leave her to be desired? She was the greatest gift a man would ever ask for. Everything about her; her looks, her eyes, her hair, her body language; all a man could desire.

We were at the Harmonious Cafeterias. This was my favourite cafeteria, mostly because most of my family traditions have been carried out here. I remember all the good times; the marriages, engagement parties, western traditions and birthdays which had been carried out here. Life used to be good until my wife died; until destruction was forced upon us all. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel partly guilty for falling in love so soon; however her undesirable, impeccable beauty flushes down all the guilt down the toilet.

I was drowning myself in wine; not being able to take an eye off her. All of a sudden, she got out of her comfortable position, I blatantly watched; every move she maked, every step she taked; my breathing got heavier. I watched her make steps towards me; I felt so gun-shy. The thought of her coming near me worked me up in a frenzy.

“Can I speak to you out on the terrace?” she gently whispered in my ear.

Make a plot line and ask people about it

 

[Deep Blue]

Make a plot line and ask people about it

This. I think one of the best things you should do at the moment is write down some ideas with plot lines and show them to your teacher to she what they think and which direction you should go in.

 

[Sweet16123]

Ok,

It's kind of a cliché romantic story. You know, a guy wants to win a girl over, that sort of stuff.

 

[Deep Blue]

Ok,

It's kind of a cliché romantic story. You know, a guy wants to win a girl over, that sort of stuff.

With a twist?

 

[Shadowdude]

Well, I've changed my mind. I don't want to write about a haunted house anymore. Instead, I've figured it would be easier to write an love story.


His Love Was His Biggest Enemy

She sat across the other side of the dining hall gazing at her silver wedding ring and passionately kissing her soon-to-be husband; looking like she’d rather be nowhere else. I gazed at her all through the day. Her eyes were so pure, diligent, sophisticated and ravishing. Her hair smelt and looked as good as the freshest red rose. She looked and smelt so undeniably irresistible; but she was getting married to someone greatly undeserving. She seemed so immersed in love. How could anyone not leave her to be desired? She was the greatest gift a man would ever ask for. Everything about her; her looks, her eyes, her hair, her body language; all a man could desire.

We were at the Harmonious Cafeterias. This was my favourite cafeteria, mostly because most of my family traditions have been carried out here. I remember all the good times; the marriages, engagement parties, western traditions and birthdays which had been carried out here. Life used to be good until my wife died; until destruction was forced upon us all. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel partly guilty for falling in love so soon; however her undesirable, impeccable beauty flushes down all the guilt down the toilet.

I was drowning myself in wine; not being able to take an eye off her. All of a sudden, she got out of her comfortable position, I blatantly watched; every move she maked, every step she taked; my breathing got heavier. I watched her make steps towards me; I felt so gun-shy. The thought of her coming near me worked me up in a frenzy.

“Can I speak to you out on the terrace?” she gently whispered in my ear.

That kinda sounds like something I wrote...

Well, as someone who also did write a love story - I recommend reading love stories as part of your 'research'. You will almost certainly find some phrases which you're going to really want to use in your own work. For example, I can't remember where I got this quote from - but I read it in one of my research books and loved it so much that I used it in my own work: "It was the smile of a woman who had won her man from all other men, ethereal in nature" or something like that.

I read it and was like OMG THAT'S AWESOME!!!! so i copied it word for word =P (you're allowed to do that as long as you reference where it came from, which I did in the RS or Journal)

 

[Sweet16123]

I came up all of that on my own, without any reading.

Do you think I did a good job of being descriptive and engaging the reader, or research will enhance this?

 

[Shadowdude]

I came up all of that on my own, without any reading.

Do you think I did a good job of being descriptive and engaging the reader, or research will enhance this?

Research will always enhance it. That paragraph was good.

 

[Sweet16123]

Do you recommend any good books/poetry/film etc that explores the theme as love?

 

[Shadowdude]

I can't really recommend much, because the stories I read just had love bits in them - they weren't... all about love.