Please analyse story (1 Viewer)

[hayabusaboston]

Hey guys, would anyone be interested in analysing the first bit of my creative piece? Want some opinions on my style of writing, shitty, unsophisticated, elegant, awesome, pathetic etc... whatever you think. Anyone wanna help?

 

[Mdzabakly]

Deijavu ?
( go ahead

 

[hayabusaboston]

Deijavu ?
( go ahead

LOL I just refined it a bit, made it nicer and more sophisticated. Same one as before.