Urgent: 2nd Opinion needed on this FR/BR essay. There's no way it only deserves 16/20 (1 Viewer)

[emilios]

The question was:
"Both Frankenstein and Blade Runner comment on the relationship between an individual and their society. Analyze this statement with reference to context and form."

Here is my response. Word count is around 1450 words

http://www.viewdocsonline.com/document/wswat7

I've been in this situation before and have spoken to my teacher. Marks never change at my school. I think I'll have to speak to the head teacher next week. I was definitely expecting a low A at the very least.

 

[GabbyS]

Re: Urgent: 2nd Opinion needed on this FR/BR essay. There's no way it only deserves 1

I had a skim-read, and this is the feedback that I have:

Some of your sentences in your intro are a little sloppy; 'brings light upon' doesn't really make sense, aim for something more sophisticated like 'illuminates'.
Your paragraphs lack topic sentences. Each body paragraph should open with a conceptual sentence that brings in the idea as well as key wording of your thesis before delving into the texts.
You need to bring Frankenstein and Blade Runner together: the whole aim of Module A is to compare directly, and this in essay language means synthesis in your writing. It's seen as poor form to have one para on Fk, the next on BR, and so on. You should be analysing them together in order for your analysis to match the conditions of the module.
I like your analysis: however, I think you just need to have another look at your syllabus outline that your teacher should have given you. You address the question well, but even though it's not explicitly mentioned, you need to address the other key aspects of the Module A outline and the Elective 2: Texts in Time outline. The module specifies values and attitudes, and the elective emphasises this and also mentions textual significance. These things don't need to be your main focus since they're not part of the question, but mention them.
A couple of little things: make sure you don't leave your quotes to 'speak for themselves', always make sure you use quotes deliberately to analyse and follow the technique, illustration, effect structure. Add more film techniques to your BR analysis, I spotted a few places you could have thrown in mise-en-scene. Maybe see if you can add some different kinds of textual evidence, like diegetic and non-diegetic sounds, which is something Scott uses liberally. Add some new and deeper contextual details; go beyond 19th Century Romanticism and 20th Century capitalism - show the marker you've researched.

Overall I think it's a good essay! And to be honest, I think 16/20 is fitting. A 16 is not a bad mark, and you have plenty of time to improve and edit and rewrite and research the module before trials and the hsc. I hope my feedback didn't seem too critical, I do think you have written a great essay and I enjoyed reading it. Good luck!

 

[emilios]

Re: Urgent: 2nd Opinion needed on this FR/BR essay. There's no way it only deserves 1

Hi Gabby. Your feedback is well-thought out (and much appreciated), but I definitely feel like I do use topic sentences. 1st one explicitly mentioned Victor as a character who conveyed amorality, 2nd one also talked about amorality in BR. Anyway I don't think its a massive deal, if anything, you're right - I could be simpler with how I word my topic sentences.

Analysis of quotes was one thing my teacher mentioned. That, in particular, is where I feel I have most room to grow. You're also spot on with the 'going deeper with the context' thing. I think markers eat up as many allusions as you can throw in and I'll definitely do more research.

BUT - the big thing here; to integrate paragraphs or to not integrate paragraphs? I just think the paragraphs would get absolutely monstrous in length if I were to discuss them simultaneously. Also, it would require the discussion of three themes instead of two. I feel like splitting up the paragraphs just makes everything more clear, concise and digestible.

Let's be honest here - there's a big difference between 16 and 17. All I need for English is 90 - nothing more, but I absolutely hate hovering around this threshold. The mistakes you picked up are nuances - I'm not saying its 20, but 17 is definitely plausible. Ugh sometimes I hate English.

Anyway Gab, thanks a lot for that.

 

[strawberrye]

Re: Urgent: 2nd Opinion needed on this FR/BR essay. There's no way it only deserves 1

Remember your internal school marks don't prevent you from getting a band 6 in the actual HSC exam. You just need to persevere in your efforts. DO NOT INTEGRATE TWO TEXTS into same paragraph, this is my response to your question about whether to integrate or not, it will complicate your essay structure and reduce the flow of your essay. Best wishes for this year

 

[essayqueen]

Re: Urgent: 2nd Opinion needed on this FR/BR essay. There's no way it only deserves 1

Remember your internal school marks don't prevent you from getting a band 6 in the actual HSC exam. You just need to persevere in your efforts. DO NOT INTEGRATE TWO TEXTS into same paragraph, this is my response to your question about whether to integrate or not, it will complicate your essay structure and reduce the flow of your essay. Best wishes for this year

Completely agree! Absolutely DO NOT INTEGRATE TEXTS in one paragraph!

 

[Mdyeow]

Re: Urgent: 2nd Opinion needed on this FR/BR essay. There's no way it only deserves 1

Completely agree! Absolutely DO NOT INTEGRATE TEXTS in one paragraph!

And another +1. Seriously you don't need that extra mound of confusion with only 40mins of writing time.

I agree with OP: you do have topic sentences, and I think they're pretty good (maybe a tad long, but they actually attempt to make original and interesting points, i.e. more than 99% of the candidature). But like Gabby has said, you would do well to add a little bit more analysis to each quote: explain how it's functioning, its effect on the audience, and why this proves your point.

Also, you tend to use lots of small quotes, which feels quite disjunct at times. This is a VERY common practice, and not "bad" per se - the issue is that it forces the reader to work harder to follow what you're saying. Instead, try and focus on one big scene or aspect of the text in each paragraph. So instead of using lots of little grabs from Blade Runner, for example, you might focus on the "white unicorn" dream, or the symbolism of architecture (e.g. ziggurats, cramped alleys); or in Frankenstein, on the use of dream-related imagery. Doing so provides a unifying element to your evidence - kind of similar to how a topic sentence provides unity to the analysis that you muster.

You can't analyse a whole text in one paragraph, so better that you show deep understanding of one bit (while also showing you know the broader issues and compositional trends) rather than spreading yourself too thin. Hope that makes sense.

Your structure is very good and I don't think you should change it. Maybe a little more context but don't go overboard either, the focus should be your analysis as always. Finally, don't be discouraged. The difference between a 16 and an 18 is often the marker's cup of coffee in the morning.

 

[hit patel]

Re: Urgent: 2nd Opinion needed on this FR/BR essay. There's no way it only deserves 1

And you forgot to mention the religious context of the time, I think. May I be right?

 

[strawberrye]

Re: Urgent: 2nd Opinion needed on this FR/BR essay. There's no way it only deserves 1

And you forgot to mention the religious context of the time, I think. May I be right?

Mentioning of religious context is not necessary to get good marks, it really depends on whether it suits the thesis and particular question.