Tim Winton Short Story *URGENT* (1 Viewer)

[bricklayer227]

So for my English Assignment I am required to write a short story with various Tim Winton themes (Australian outback, the sea, etc,etc) So for my story I have decided to pick the theme of small Australian Communities working together (in my case to build back a burnt down Fish n' Chips shop). Now I haven't finished the story because I need some ideas on how to link from where I ended, to initiate the "rebuilding" process. I have put my story below, and if you could read it (maybe give some feedback) and help me get ideas on how to execute the rebuilding process then I'll shout you a drink at the bar. Jk, you will have gratitude. Thankyou!


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I
Jack hit the lake with a splash. Bubbles streamed across his face and the water stung his eyes. It was early spring and the sun had only just come out. The sky was blooming with a deep orange. Woosh! Jack leapt up from the water and shook his hair back and forth spraying water droplets in all directions. He felt the crisp breeze blowing against his back.
Jack then got out of the water and started to dry himself. His shift at the Fish n’ Chips shop started soon. Henry would kill him if he arrived late again. Jack grabbed his bag and got inside his car. A V6 Ford Falcon 1998. It was his pride and joy. He couldn’t remember how many months of working overtime and saving up it took before he bought it. It maybe wasn’t the fastest of cars, and it definitely wasn’t the best looking but he loved it anyway. Jack fired up the Ford. Its engine rumbled and spluttered into life. He drove up the dirt track and back to town.
II
Bright lights, loud laughter, fish in the deep fryer and the clinking of cutlery. Henry carried a plate of fried fish in one hand and a box of salted chips in the other. He then placed it down on a table. The two men thanked him and dug into their meal. Henry then walked back to the kitchen and loaded another batch of battered fish into the fryer. It floated and sizzled. One minute Henry was cracking a joke about the weather and the next minute there was a big explosion. Panicked screams, billowing smoke, fire spreading everywhere and the hiss of leaking gas.
III
Jake yawned and waited for the family of ducks to cross the road. He decided to take the long route today, just to see the lake view. The rays of the sun were reflecting off the water and the hills loomed in the distance. The engine of the V6 Falcon struggled and strained.
Jack then finally arrived to town. The smell of smoke was strong and the sound of sirens echoed through the open air. Jack got out of his car. He stomach churned. The smoke column was coming from a place near his Fish n’ Chips shop. Jack tried to think of what had happened. Next to his shop was the Groceries and next to that was the local pub. It was impossible that they could’ve caught fire. He suddenly knew, the gas bottles, the open flame, the – his next few steps confirmed his fears. Henry was there, lying on a stretcher, two paramedics by his side. The Fish n’ Chip shop behind him a, smoky ruin.

 

[boredofstudiesuser1]

I
Jack hit the lake with a splash. Bubbles streamed across his face and the water stung his eyes. It was early spring and the sun had only just come out. The sky was blooming with a deep orange. Woosh! Jack leapt up from the water and shook his hair back and forth spraying water droplets in all directions. He felt the crisp breeze blowing against his back.
Jack then got out of the water and started to dry himself. His shift at the Fish n’ Chips shop started soon. Henry would kill him if he arrived late again. Jack grabbed his bag and got inside his car. A V6 Ford Falcon 1998. It was his pride and joy. He couldn’t remember how many months of working overtime and saving up it took before he bought it. It maybe wasn’t the fastest of cars, and it definitely wasn’t the best looking but he loved it anyway. Jack fired up the Ford. Its engine rumbled and spluttered into life. He drove up the dirt track and back to town.
II
Bright lights, loud laughter, fish in the deep fryer and the clinking of cutlery. Henry carried a plate of fried fish in one hand and a box of salted chips in the other. He then placed it down on a table. The two men thanked him and dug into their meal. Henry then walked back to the kitchen and loaded another batch of battered fish into the fryer. It floated and sizzled. One minute Henry was cracking a joke about the weather and the next minute there was a big explosion. Panicked screams, billowing smoke, fire spreading everywhere and the hiss of leaking gas.
III
Jake yawned and waited for the family of ducks to cross the road. He decided to take the long route today, just to see the lake view. The rays of the sun were reflecting off the water and the hills loomed in the distance. The engine of the V6 Falcon struggled and strained.
Jack then finally arrived to town. The smell of smoke was strong and the sound of sirens echoed through the open air. Jack got out of his car. He stomach churned. The smoke column was coming from a place near his Fish n’ Chips shop. Jack tried to think of what had happened. Next to his shop was the Groceries and next to that was the local pub. It was impossible that they could’ve caught fire. He suddenly knew, the gas bottles, the open flame, the – his next few steps confirmed his fears. Henry was there, lying on a stretcher, two paramedics by his side. The Fish n’ Chip shop behind him a, smoky ruin.

So I know this is irrelevant to the questions you asked but I have a slight problem reading this. The ideas are good, but I feel like I'm reading a list of what the guy did in his day. Also, I think in part 3 you wrote Jake instead of Jack in one of the parts (not really that important, but worth noting). I've noticed that your style is to state what the person (in this case Jake) did, and then you expand on details that needed explanation from that sentence. Try using some more suggestive language, especially since it's being written in third person.

I think the story is also lacking some emotion, section 3 should include more suspense and how Jake was feeling. Maybe even add in dialogue or introduce another character (who had called the ambulance or something) in order to transition. The characters could discuss what happened and their speculations of the fire. Maybe even make a paramedic come to them and tell them what happened to Henry and in what state he's in.

Hope this helps, and good job so far.