Feedback pls (2 Viewers)

[Akshara Patil]

Hey guys I have written a sample body paragraph for Pacino's Looking for Richard and Shakespeare's King Richard III (MOD A). Would be great if you guys could given me feedback!!!

"Shakespeare's pre-deterministic display of Richard’s vile, Machiavellian presence in KR, further reinforces how individuals forgo their morality when driven by intense power. However, to better suit a secular audience in 20th century America, Pacino directs his docudrama LFR to comment on the rising egocentricity in modern society. Through his appeal to the prescribed levitical doctrine, Shakespeare portrays Richard’s depravity in the opening soliloquy of Act 1, scene 1 as emblematic of his “...deformed” and “...unfinished” physicality. Through the effective use of a tricolon, Shakespeare rhythmically scripts how Richard’s withered looks were of inherent nature as exclaimed by Richard when he informs that he was “...sent before my (his) time.” By coalescing these reasons as the cause for Richard to be “...determined to prove a villain” in his quest for epitomical power, Shakespeare manifests Richard’s unbridled ambition as one that was fated to occur, which effectively allows him to foreground the flourishing Tudor reign that was to ensue as for appeasing his intended Elizabethan audience. In addition, Shakespeare further details the negative externalities of nurturing deep desires as one that swivels our sense of morality and virtue. Through unveiling Richard’s duplicitous nature as he metaphorically “...clothes his naked villany”, Shakespeare employs parallelism to cement how he is the foil of King Edward, regarded to be the virtuous and religious king England demands, as he describes how Richard is “ … subtle, false and treacherous” as King Edward is conversely “...true and just.” This suggests Richard’s lack of virtue; a sacrifice too grave as it returns to prove Richard’s weakness. By highlighting Richard’s diabolic intrinsicality, Shakespeare effectively pleases his Elizabethan audience as he enforces the propagation of the Tudor myth as a heavenly and flourishing dynasty to emanate. However, the comparative study conversely unveils how LFR converses with KR to warn about pursuing rampant desires, albeit justifying it to suit the more egocentric 1990s American society. To match the contemporary filmic paradigm, Pacino employs visual and auditory features to expound Richard’s duplicitous character. Through effective chiaroscuro and fragmented lighting, in addition to the build up of crescendo music, Pacino constructively portrays how Richard’s “deformed” features is a sheer reflection of moral corruption, to an audience who might find the levitical doctrine abstruse to fathom. This is enforced by Kimball’s commentary who proclaims that “Shakespeare has dramatised Richard’s deformity to bodyforth the corruption in his mind” hence allowing for the audience to overcome the lingual disconnection, which makes it “..harder for this time period” to understand as suggested by an interviewee. This enables Pacino to fulfil his purpose of “...sharing his passion of Shakespeare” to the modern audience, whilst also suggesting Richard’s putrefied mind that has occurred as a result of his over-ambitious quest. Through intercuts, Pacino reflects the ambitious proclivity of modern society as he captures Kimball further commenting how everyone “... is clawing at the throne”, hence metaphorically suggesting how nurturing an ambition has transformed into a shared experience, as juxtaposed to the clericalist Elizabethan audience Shakespeare originally catered to. Indeed, Shakespeare’s warning of uncontrollable desires, has been further superposed by Pacino’s re-examination of Richard’s moral corruption due to his rampant ambitions that is more pertinent to resound in a contextually differing environment."

 

[jimmysmith560]

My knowledge of both texts is limited (perhaps someone else who is more familiar with them can provide additional and more text-specific feedback). However, I will try to provide text-specific feedback where possible and will also provide feedback on structure and general writing. Here is what I think:

"Shakespeare's pre-deterministic display of Richard’s vile, Machiavellian presence in KR, further reinforces how individuals forgo their morality when driven by intense power. However, to better suit a secular audience in 20th century America, Pacino directs his docudrama LFR to comment on the rising egocentricity in modern society. Through his appeal to the prescribed levitical doctrine, Shakespeare portrays Richard’s depravity in the opening soliloquy of Act 1, scene 1 as emblematic of his “...deformed” and “...unfinished” physicality. Through the effective use of a tricolon, Shakespeare rhythmically scripts how the manner in which Richard’s withered looks were of inherent nature as exclaimed by Richard when he informs that he was “...sent before my (his) time.” By coalescing these reasons as the cause for Richard to be “...determined to prove a villain” in his quest for epitomical power, Shakespeare manifests Richard’s unbridled ambition as one that was fated to occur, which effectively allows him to foreground the flourishing Tudor reign that was to ensue as for appeasing his intended Elizabethan audience. In addition, Shakespeare further details the negative externalities of nurturing deep desires as one that swivels our sense of morality and virtue. Through unveiling Richard’s duplicitous nature as he metaphorically “...clothes his naked villany”, Shakespeare employs parallelism to cement how he is the foil of King Edward, regarded to be the virtuous and religious king England demands, as he describes how Richard is Richard's characteristics, being “ … subtle, false and treacherous” as King Edward is conversely “...true and just.” This suggests Richard’s lack of virtue; a sacrifice too grave as it returns to prove Richard’s weakness. By highlighting Richard’s diabolic intrinsicality, Shakespeare effectively pleases his Elizabethan audience as he enforces the propagation of the Tudor myth as a heavenly and flourishing dynasty to emanate. However, the comparative study conversely unveils how LFR converses with KR to warn about pursuing rampant desires, albeit justifying it to suit the more egocentric 1990s American society.

(Perhaps here, you may wish to consider starting a new paragraph)​

To match the contemporary filmic paradigm, Pacino employs visual and auditory features to expound Richard’s duplicitous character. Through effective chiaroscuro and fragmented lighting, in addition to the build up of crescendo music, Pacino constructively portrays how Richard’s “deformed” features is a sheer reflection of moral corruption, to an audience who might find the levitical doctrine abstruse to fathom. This is enforced by Kimball’s commentary who proclaims that “Shakespeare has dramatised Richard’s deformity to bodyforth the corruption in his mind” hence allowing for the audience to overcome the lingual disconnection, which makes making it “..harder for this time period” to understand as suggested by an interviewee. This enables Pacino to fulfil his purpose of “...sharing his passion of Shakespeare” to the modern audience, whilst also suggesting Richard’s putrefied mind that has occurred as a result of his over-ambitious quest. Through intercuts, Pacino reflects the ambitious proclivity of modern society as he captures Kimball further commenting how everyone “... is clawing at the throne”, hence metaphorically suggesting how nurturing an ambition has transformed into a shared experience, as juxtaposed to the clericalist Elizabethan audience Shakespeare originally catered to. Indeed, Shakespeare’s warning of uncontrollable desires, (perhaps the comma here should be removed) has been further superposed by Pacino’s re-examination of Richard’s moral corruption due to his rampant ambitions that is more pertinent to resound in a contextually differing environment."

I personally like your writing. It is sophisticated, specific and appears to incorporate all essential elements that would be required in order to produce an essay response of good quality, including:

• Techniques
• Quotes
• Clear references to themes raised by the respective module

Of course, the opinion of other students, especially those who have studied both texts, may be more valuable than mine.

I hope this helps!

 

[may22]

Hey guys I have written a sample body paragraph for Pacino's Looking for Richard and Shakespeare's King Richard III (MOD A). Would be great if you guys could given me feedback!!!

"Shakespeare's pre-deterministic display of Richard’s vile, Machiavellian presence in KR, further reinforces how individuals forgo their morality when driven by intense power. However, to better suit a secular audience in 20th century America, Pacino directs his docudrama LFR to comment on the rising egocentricity in modern society. Through his appeal to the prescribed levitical doctrine, Shakespeare portrays Richard’s depravity in the opening soliloquy of Act 1, scene 1 as emblematic of his “...deformed” and “...unfinished” physicality. Through the effective use of a tricolon, Shakespeare rhythmically scripts how Richard’s withered looks were of inherent nature as exclaimed by Richard when he informs that he was “...sent before my (his) time.” By coalescing these reasons as the cause for Richard to be “...determined to prove a villain” in his quest for epitomical power, Shakespeare manifests Richard’s unbridled ambition as one that was fated to occur, which effectively allows him to foreground the flourishing Tudor reign that was to ensue as for appeasing his intended Elizabethan audience. In addition, Shakespeare further details the negative externalities of nurturing deep desires as one that swivels our sense of morality and virtue. Through unveiling Richard’s duplicitous nature as he metaphorically “...clothes his naked villany”, Shakespeare employs parallelism to cement how he is the foil of King Edward, regarded to be the virtuous and religious king England demands, as he describes how Richard is “ … subtle, false and treacherous” as King Edward is conversely “...true and just.” This suggests Richard’s lack of virtue; a sacrifice too grave as it returns to prove Richard’s weakness. By highlighting Richard’s diabolic intrinsicality, Shakespeare effectively pleases his Elizabethan audience as he enforces the propagation of the Tudor myth as a heavenly and flourishing dynasty to emanate. However, the comparative study conversely unveils how LFR converses with KR to warn about pursuing rampant desires, albeit justifying it to suit the more egocentric 1990s American society. To match the contemporary filmic paradigm, Pacino employs visual and auditory features to expound Richard’s duplicitous character. Through effective chiaroscuro and fragmented lighting, in addition to the build up of crescendo music, Pacino constructively portrays how Richard’s “deformed” features is a sheer reflection of moral corruption, to an audience who might find the levitical doctrine abstruse to fathom. This is enforced by Kimball’s commentary who proclaims that “Shakespeare has dramatised Richard’s deformity to bodyforth the corruption in his mind” hence allowing for the audience to overcome the lingual disconnection, which makes it “..harder for this time period” to understand as suggested by an interviewee. This enables Pacino to fulfil his purpose of “...sharing his passion of Shakespeare” to the modern audience, whilst also suggesting Richard’s putrefied mind that has occurred as a result of his over-ambitious quest. Through intercuts, Pacino reflects the ambitious proclivity of modern society as he captures Kimball further commenting how everyone “... is clawing at the throne”, hence metaphorically suggesting how nurturing an ambition has transformed into a shared experience, as juxtaposed to the clericalist Elizabethan audience Shakespeare originally catered to. Indeed, Shakespeare’s warning of uncontrollable desires, has been further superposed by Pacino’s re-examination of Richard’s moral corruption due to his rampant ambitions that is more pertinent to resound in a contextually differing environment."

Here’s some feedback:
- whilst your language is elevated throughout, there are certain dips, and the occasional use of an emotive/overly descriptive word, e.g. swivels. Try to avoid these in your essay as they can downgrade your cohesion
- I’m not sure what the essay question for this would be; however, whilst you have a pretty solid analysis and integration of the quotes, you should try to address the question throughout the argument, rather than at the end of your analyses. That way, you’re able to link your analysis to the question more comprehensively, and you’re not doing what HSC markers call ‘top and tail’

 

[Akshara Patil]

@may22 and @jimmysmith560 thanks a lot!