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2023 HSC chat (53 Viewers)

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s9a

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@synthesisFR i just wanna say thank you so much for everything. i love you so very much and you are very dear to me. all those times where i thought i lost it all you were right beside me supporting me every step of the way.

i love you. happy birthday bae
 
Masaken

Masaken

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SadCeliac said:
GUYS can I get some feedback on this intro pleaseee:

‘In comparing T. S. Eliot's early poetry to his later work, differences appear in terms of his style and approach to the subject matter.’

Evaluate this statement in light of your study of Eliot’s poetry.

In your response, make close reference to TWO poems from the prescribed text.

Examining the thematic transformation of Eliot’s poetry allows for valuable insights on the decaying Modernist world and its shift in spirituality, revealing that as man declines spiritual connection, he becomes trapped in a purgatorial lack of purpose. Thus, Eliot’s poetry certainly contains differences in poetic style and approach to the subject matter when comparing his works over time, as seen in Eliot’s contrasting poems, “The Hollow Men” and “Journey of the Magi”, which communicate starkly different messages on spirituality and human progression. “The Hollow Men”, which reflects Eliot’s post-WW1 depression and lack of hope in the potential for the industrial revolution to do good for modern man, depicts a world void of spirituality and connection, suggesting that man is trapped within a hopeless reality. On the other hand, “Journey of the Magi” demonstrates how by finding spirituality, the individual is able to transcend the physical constraints of the modern world to find a better purpose. Evidently, by framing different opinions throughout his changing poetic repertoire, Eliot’s poetic style allows him to develop his fundamental beliefs over time, posing deep existential questions to his audience.
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sorry I got home just now I'll look through it

again as stated above, much better thesis but it can be simplified as I do get convoluted vibes from it, especially the revealing bit - probably shorten it by saying '...insights on the decaying Modernist world -> revealing the devastating impact of deteriorating spirituality on individual perceptions of purpose' or smth.

right off the bat your intro is way too long, it shouldn't be more than ~120 words and a quick copy paste into a word counter shows it's close to 200. again, this is more of a convoluted intro problem which can be resolved by simplifying a few things. first off, combine the ideas of your first two sentences. since u need to address the q you might need to remove the reveal thing and frame your thesis around the q (ie. Comparing the changes in style and form in Eliot's poetry reveals valuable insights on_____). The following sentence should say smth like introducing the texts, then after that a link.

you are putting way too much in introducing the text, which contributes to your word count. Your intro should be brief and concise, you can lose marks for having a too long and convoluted intro as the marker can get lost in trying to understand what you are saying. you do not need to introduce any context or background when introducing your texts (eg. Post-WWI depression) unless it's explicitly stated; in your case I'd say just introduce the ideas and expand on the wider context in your paragraphs. Your second sentence should discuss this transformation - one poem has this idea, while this one has this, then that one has that. stick solely to the barebones idea in ur thesis. when u say they present stark differences on spirituality, u don't need that - it's implied in the thesis, all u need to do is identify and express the differences. and with the deep existential qs - what deep existential qs, don't be super super vague

also this might be a me problem cos idk eliot that well but is it fine for u to only do two poems?? if ur framing ur arguments around one poem each I'd do three (though i'd go for a wider range of poems - maybe 2 per para - to frame your arguments around a proper idea, and thus you understand textual integrity, in that you understand these poems arent just isolated examples but work together to create meaning)

I'm on phone rn so I might not have caught everything, if u need clarification feel free to lmk
 
T

tigerian

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Masaken said:
sorry I got home just now I'll look through it

again as stated above, much better thesis but it can be simplified as I do get convoluted vibes from it, especially the revealing bit - probably shorten it by saying '...insights on the decaying Modernist world -> revealing the devastating impact of deteriorating spirituality on individual perceptions of purpose' or smth.

right off the bat your intro is way too long, it shouldn't be more than ~120 words and a quick copy paste into a word counter shows it's close to 200. again, this is more of a convoluted intro problem which can be resolved by simplifying a few things. first off, combine the ideas of your first two sentences. since u need to address the q you might need to remove the reveal thing and frame your thesis around the q (ie. Comparing the changes in style and form in Eliot's poetry reveals valuable insights on_____). The following sentence should say smth like introducing the texts, then after that a link.

you are putting way too much in introducing the text, which contributes to your word count. Your intro should be brief and concise, you can lose marks for having a too long and convoluted intro as the marker can get lost in trying to understand what you are saying. you do not need to introduce any context or background when introducing your texts (eg. Post-WWI depression) unless it's explicitly stated; in your case I'd say just introduce the ideas and expand on the wider context in your paragraphs. Your second sentence should discuss this transformation - one poem has this idea, while this one has this, then that one has that. stick solely to the barebones idea in ur thesis. when u say they present stark differences on spirituality, u don't need that - it's implied in the thesis, all u need to do is identify and express the differences. and with the deep existential qs - what deep existential qs, don't be super super vague

also this might be a me problem cos idk eliot that well but is it fine for u to only do two poems?? if ur framing ur arguments around one poem each I'd do three (though i'd go for a wider range of poems - maybe 2 per para - to frame your arguments around a proper idea, and thus you understand textual integrity, in that you understand these poems arent just isolated examples but work together to create meaning)

I'm on phone rn so I might not have caught everything, if u need clarification feel free to lmk
Click to expand...
hsc marker here . I will mark it tonight for you and get back to you. See your private message
 
breadcrumbs

breadcrumbs

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hey guys just took a nap lowkey feel like im missing out seeing everyone from other schools graduated already and my grad is on friday but u know what all that matters is that i graduate
 
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