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BOS Showcase: 2004 Major Works (1 Viewer)

gemita

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OK, I've finally worked up the courage to post my MW. Constructive criticism would be really appreciated, I've only heard the opinions of a few people and judging by the posts in this forum the X2 ppl are really the only ones who are actually honest and constructive (mostly!). Can't change anything now, but meh, still good to know.

I've only read a couple of other MWs so far, but what I've seen I like. Everyone read welshi's, it's gorgeous. Congrats guys, we made it!
 

welshi

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thanx for the plug gems...in return i absolutely recommend gem's to everyone because it's a tricky little bit of literary magic... if she was the mother of this baby i like to think of myself as the midwife...hahaha jk i didn't have that much to do with it but i think we r proof of how important feedback and constructive criticism is in the final stages especially. gems and i poked and prodded each others' works a bit. that is my advice to any youngsters browsing who plan on doing it next yr - whenever you can, get people to read it, especially the final drafts - especially other x2 students who u know will be brutal if need be :p
 

Serpentia

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hoplite – I wasn’t sure if you meant that winking emoticon as having a go at me thus the confusion :p. If only there was a better way of communicating tone without having to resort to emoticons dammit. I realise I came across as arrogant however I couldn’t be bothered spending double the amount of time and words sugar coating what I had to say. Some may call me lazy but yeah. I do that a lot, and get in trouble for it. It is, as you said, very hard to be critical and not sound somewhat arrogant. The only way not to sound arrogant is to be ambiguous and then I'd be saying "well I'm not sure I really really liked this part because I don't think" etc etc.


however

thank you very much for your feedback. Interesting about the title thing, I don’t like my titles either. I have a lot of difficulties coming up with titles for my pieces, and thus often just revert to taking the central concept, or a line that communicates that, and make it the title. Alliteration – yes you were right again, but I tend to use that often without meaning to. And often it works so that’s good. Wafty – again I agree with that. my pieces are not in order of when they were written, but in general I find my earlier written pieces to be trite, or edging on it at least. So I think those earlier pieces are probably more wafty, but what you can do eh?

thank you again
 

crazyhomo

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comments on trapped: i don't understand why you would write poetry on a subject you have no experience with. you talk about being old, being addicted to pokies, living a wasted life and getting 'subscripted' to the army. i'm guessing you probably weren't beaten as a child either, because it just didn't sound convincing. maybe if you tried tackling subject matter that actually related somehow to you as a person. but then your excessive use of pronouns at the beginning of each line shows your inability to control the english language effectively, so it probably would have sucked no matter what you wrote about
 

zhongie

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Her shattered Dreams: I felt that although you had a style that was engaging, and suited to your characters, the whole concept was too pedestrian to stand out. The style of your writing was not lifted above the par of teenage angst. I think you should have found a far more original concept instead of one that has been re-hashed so many times.
 

Hoplite

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Serpentia, the alliteration is great, if it comes naturally even better...it really gives some of the poetry a bit of a hypnotic type effect - it draws you in.

Glycerine, everyone's already said how well written your work is, and how clear and precise it is...and they're right, I agree, it's great.

But I have a gripe. It's not so much about your major work overall, because it's a sure thing, but with one of the conclusions you make.

I can not disagree with you more when you say that Buffy the vampire slayer is anything more than a fad... I mean, more relevant? perhaps, I guess your work is convincing enough of that...but a cultural phenomenon? I think not! Putting all your points on how it deals with sex and all that sort of stuff in a youthful context aside, it's just a load of rubbish or as they say quite a lot in England 'codswallop'. I have almost no doubt that Buffy will not affect any other generation in the future (as in the late teens 20 years from now). It will miserably fail the test of time, just as easily as the O.C and its other contemporaries will fail the test of time. A cultural phenomenon is undoubtedly something that passes the test of time. IMO, until Buffy is recognised and is influencing fair numbers of young people in generations to come it can not be considered anything more than a fad - albeit a more relevant one. And that my friend, just ain't gonna happen.
 

glycerine

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a cultural phenomenon can't be a current thing?

and my question is, have you any understanding of the scope of academic critique which buffy receives? thanks for your compliments and you're entitled to your opinion but i really don't think it's fair to compare it to the o.c. and the like : )
 

cheezsandwich

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My Mw

the standard of work in here is really great. you guys should be proud of your MW's and it'll probably show in the results.

anyway i'm not much of a forum poster, mainly because everything said is twisted and distorted beyond recognition, but i'd just had to lower the collective standard of this thread by submitting my MW :p

it's a true story and it took place during the summer before year 11. i'm not too happy with it as the word limit hindered my ability to express whatever it was i was trying to express, i had too much to say. also because i haven't really come to terms with the emotions of the main character (based on me) in the story. it was possibly the best and worst time of my life and i don't think this came across very well either, at least not in sophisticated enough way to be good. the other reason is 90% of the writing process took place on the week directly after my drama performances and before the deadline. WHOOPS! Big mistake! well i can only blame my lazyness

anyway here it is in all its lack of glory:
 

hotcocoababe

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Hey cheezsandwich, im just reading your work

Firstly (tho i hate to start this on a bad note, sorry bout it) im thinking that nobody proof read your work? I cant even count all the spelling, punctuation and grammar mistakes im picking up as i read it... I guess im kinda finniky about it myself (specially when its a formal document such as a MW)... but its not a good look :(

On the plus sides (yup there are more than one!! ;) ) I love the way you've used your own experiences to write your MW... your story is very honest and raw.... in a way, it's also quite innocently sweet (and i mean that in the least patronising way :D) it really is quite ummm "quaint" for lack of a better word... no really, i can closely relate to it (living by the coast myself) and hopefully your marker can too.

Your imagery is well done, and i like your use of colloquial terminology -

"We pull up to the lookout and check the scene. It’s nice, there is a slight off shore breeze and the waves come in about eight second intervals, giving them a chance to form nicely before hitting the sand bank that brings them tumbling down, the tide is just above low and rising. We stay for a second to watch the early morning waves grumble through. Then quick as we can, back on our bikes and pedalling fast toward the house to get our gear. "

You have great characterisation, im enjoying reading about your characters and im getting to know them as i get into your story more... are they based on your real relatives? You have a real sense of community in your story... all the characters seem real, they all co-exist well together and im thinking they MUST be based on real people cuz they all seem very different yet are developed.

Ok i just finished it - yep, i like it! i hope you go well, it really isn't so bad as you make it out to be!!! :p LOL

good luck!
 

cheezsandwich

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my spelling and grammer are really bad, i must of skipped that lesson/year in school, sorry about that.
yes the charracters are all based on my close family and it was really hard to write because of this. i didn't want them to be offended by anything i wrote so i censored alot of their stuff.

the origional title was going to be "A new disney story: the search for cliche." but the title "the Days Go Slowly By" is actualy a quote from my cousin Declan who is now twelve and back at school in the sixth grade two years after his accident. so i like the fact that you said it was quaint, because it was.

thanks for the review :D
 

crazyhomo

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mr monkey butler: probably the best mw i've read on this site so far. i originally didn't like it that much, but just going over it in my head, it really grew on me. originally i was going to suggest that it was a bit too serious, and to lighten it up a bit, but now i think the problem was that it wasn't dark enough. the scenes discussing the party just don't quite gel with the rest of the script. and uh....that's all i have to say about that

edit: i'm actually really split on this one. on the one hand i like that it was quite dark, and it moved quite well on the script. yet it could sort of go either way when turned into film. ie could be this short, dark, bittersweet thing, or this maybe a terrible, heavyhanded "look at me im so right about everything" affair. if i can be bothered i will read it again another time and see how that affects my opinion
 
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Monkey Butler

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:D
Thanks for the opinion Crazy! I'm glad you liked it, and that it stayed with you or whatever. I was kinda going for a darker, melancholic tone, but I guess the problem with scripts is that it can always be portrayed in a different way (so it could end up being crap and over-the-top). Anyway, thanks for reading and critiquing it :)
 

crazyhomo

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bloodletting: i basically loved this one, and am struggling to point out anything wrong with it. i read how people have been telling you that this is the opposite of your optimistic nature. well i completely disagree. i thought this was one of the most upbeat stories i've ever read. not just for the 'happy' ending, but because this ending was perfectly justified. your main character, although was subjected to a lot of shit, seemed to maintain a sense of wonder and awe and appreciation for the world. even as she is hiding under her bed because she is afraid of ghosts, or stunned at the dead horse, her world is a magical place where anything could happen. as i was reading it, i was actually expecting a happy ending, despite that fact i had read the 'freaky' comments about it already

also the symbolism was great. it wasn't too obvious, nor was it too subtle. and you linked the events together well without making me feel dumb that i didn't connect it straight away. and i really felt like i got into this character's head. unlike 'her shattered dreams' that aparently consisted of an entire cast of mental retards with no understanding of actions and consequences, i understood what abigail was going through. i think it helped that the plot was driven not by what abigail did, but what was done to abigail. events occurring that she simply reacted to

only thing i didn't think worked was the first page and a half. your writing wasn't as clear as the rest of the story. call me old fashioned, but i like the orientation to be as precise as possible, keeps confusion later on to a minimum. sorry erin, but i've found a new favourite mw
 

hotcocoababe

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Crazyhomo Rocks!!!!!!!!

Woo YEAAAAAAAAAA!!!! thanx crazyhomo! :D :D :D

you should see the grin on my face... you just made my day :uhhuh:

thanks so much for taking the time to do that for me... (if i could kiss your feet right now, i would....uh, consider it.... LOL)

xox
 
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goldendawn

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Hello fellow pen (or keyboard) addicts

Hello people,

It seems like just yesterday I handed in my major work, and though initially overjoyed at having it off my plate (even though I think it is one of the subjects I enjoyed the most, probably owing to the fact I was the only person in the ext 2 class and got the teachers undivided attention (N.B Ext 2 ot very popular in public boys schools where the majority of students are ESL). ) I have now found myself in the brooding stage, the stage where I am quite flaggelistically re-reading my work, again and again, looking for errors. Even the slightest error has put me in the mire, and now, although initially proud of my work, have begun to look down upon it. I really need an objective opinion to cut right through crap. If anyone has the time, I would appreciate it if you would read through it, and post some comments.

P.S: Its a short story, in the Speculative Fiction genre.

Thanks guys.
 
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Monkey Butler

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Goldendawn, I just read yours, although I don't really understand the concept of Spec Fiction. It was well-written, although it tended to be a little verbose. It also, and maybe this is just because I don't really "get" spec fiction, but it also seemed a bit unengaging - I never really got a feel for the characters, or the society (which I know is hard in such a small word limit), and the quasi-religious speeches/conversations on life and death, and the pseudo-Native American names kinda turned me off, but that's probably just a personal thing.
 

goldendawn

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Hey, Monkey Butler. Thanks for reading it and your reply.

Yeah, some people have made the "verbose" comment - I tried to make the work as poetically balanced as possible - (I'm a sucker for imagery). But it was also supposed to underpin the concept - my research into early texts, such as ancient persian, and into narrative verse styles were meant, as I said in my reflec statement, to capture a sense of "idiom". (I made sure to avoid tautology though - ever read ancient Persian texts - "I am xerxes, king of kings, king of lands, an aryan, of aryan seed" - majorly redundant hehe).

In reference to the Meso-American names, I suppose I have been working with them for so long, than any sense of awkwardness has long since abated - I wanted to use them dually symbolically and tonally - the evocation of natural imagery, and earlier totemistic association suggesting primal life. The extracts were meant to adress fundamental issues of resonance in philosophy, religion and science.

Its strange, cause I have gotten mixed reviews. Some have loved it (like the librarian at school, after the head of english gave it to her to read cause she was a spec fiction fan, lol), and others have made similar comments to you - that it didn't engage them, etc. It makes me wonder how the makers are gonna take it. Surely they mark it in the context of its conceptual and artistic resolution? If that's true, then I should be ok, I suppose. Ah, only Time will tell. :)
 

crazyhomo

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people who are not you: you write well, and the idea was an interesting one. but, and this is a huge but, i never felt engaged as you described all these potential lives. throughout most of your story i was just thinking 'yeah, this is kinda ok i guess'. nothing about these lives really jumped out and grabbed me. except one. and that was your own, or the writer, if there is actually a difference. in the few pages of musings before the writer met the author i suddenly became engaged for the first time. and then you moved onto the author and i was bored again. but then went back to the author and suddenly, once again, i cared. you have the capacity to write some truly great stuff, but i think you need to start looking inward, rather than outward for inspiration
 

welshi

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crazyhomo said:
people who are not you: you write well, and the idea was an interesting one. but, and this is a huge but, i never felt engaged as you described all these potential lives. throughout most of your story i was just thinking 'yeah, this is kinda ok i guess'. nothing about these lives really jumped out and grabbed me. except one. and that was your own, or the writer, if there is actually a difference. in the few pages of musings before the writer met the author i suddenly became engaged for the first time. and then you moved onto the author and i was bored again. but then went back to the author and suddenly, once again, i cared. you have the capacity to write some truly great stuff, but i think you need to start looking inward, rather than outward for inspiration
wow...so this is what it feels like to get negative feedback!!! i needed that, thanx crazyhomo, ur the first person who hasn't raved (cept gem, but she liked it more than u did...) what u said is interesting because as i said in my RS i'm not even sure myself whether the writer is me or not. and i don't think u really needed to engage with the characters too much as it was more about how she observed them. glad u liked those tho, they were my fav bits. my RS is a load of bullshit really, the structure i ended up with was really just a way of working the short character studies i had into the longer form. i wasn't as happy with it as i would have liked.
oh and thanx for the show of support for my abilities there...i suppose i never reallyu intended to throw my entire writerly soul into this thing. i hated it all by the end.
 

crazyhomo

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seaspray: honestly, i'm kinda struggling to write anything about this one. it wasn't bad, but it was certainly not anything really special. but i'm not sure what it was that i didn't like. you got into oscar's head pretty well, and i understood what he was thinking and where he was coming from. yet i didn't particularly care. i'm trying to put my finger on something that you could have changed to fix this, but i just don't know. the best i can come up with is that blending the postmodernist outlook with the oldfashioned speak didn't work as well as it could have. actually, now that i think about it, i thought the sections where you broke from the 10 year old character, and had the old man reflecting were the most interesting in the story. i think what the problem was is that you were trying to capture a certain voice while describing 10 year old oscar, and although you certainly captured it well, had a nice consistency, it was essentially a dull voice to tell your story through.
 

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