Can I get some brutally honest feedback. (plus how would you mark this out of 20) (1 Viewer)

[Jane Mao]

it seems like the whole world has done their trials already, yet I haven't even started.

Hi, could someone please give me some specific feedback on this. I struggle a lot with English and its really hard to write better essays when the only feedback i get from my teacher is "Deeper analysis required" (bc shes lazy af and doesn't bother teaching) At this point I'd rather painfully honest feedback than nothing at all.

Also i often feel myself become mentally tired and just start bs the essay around the third paragraph. I wonder if that's obvious here.

Thank you so much in advance

 

[swarley2345]

Hey, I'm giving you feedback based on what my teachers and tutor have told me, so it may be a little bit school specific.
- Don't start the thesis statement with the title of your text. Keep it vague. The next sentence is your elaboration sentence.
- Always address to what extent in the thesis. I have gotten marks taken off for not doing it.
- You have 4 quotes in the first paragraph. You are not unpacking them enough.
- Talk about audience positioning
- Need a concluding sentence 1st para
- You didn't really answer the extent part of the question in ur essay
- You can maybe include critic quotes to support ur points
-Use words from the stimulus throughout your essay to show that u are linking back to it
- You need to engage with the stimulus more.

 

[Jane Mao]

Hiii, thanks for responding why is this more feedback than that I've gotten from my teache rin the past year combined

I'm a bit lost as to how to answer the "to what extent" part of the question (I feel like I just skipped it cause I don't know how to answer it) could you please give an example?

Also what exactly do you mean by engage with the stimulus? I really don't know how please elaborate?

P.s just curious what mark would you say this is?