Can someone give an impression of my Creative piece? (2 Viewers)

[yours]

Before I read it how on earth can you remember exactly what you wrote in the exam? I can't remember my piece very well at all

 

[michaeljennings]

Before I read it how on earth can you remember exactly what you wrote in the exam? I can't remember my piece very well at all

probably had this already written and memorised. BTW OP what did you get for trials with this story?

 

[yours]

as sick as a naked man in the Antarctic - Is this image a bit strange?

From here, we grew faster than vines, closer than pages in a book. As she feeds me the nutrients needed for sufficient development, I return a love warmer than the thickest blanket on a winter night.

Far too many comparisons in close proximity. You are using creative expression but it is too dense and this spoils their effect. It becomes more balanced in parts, less in others. I can interpret the hospital as the 'remembered place', though I can't remember if the question said to 'celebrate' or associate positive feelings with the memory. I think people on here are being a bit harsh, because it is natural to compare whatever we wrote to what you have, since there just aren't many examples 'out there' for every question of the english paper. I would take their 'marks' with a grain of salt.

 

[engie_benji]

probably had this already written and memorised. BTW OP what did you get for trials with this story?

Yeh had the majority of it memorised, though i changed parts to try and make it fit the qu better. Didnt use it in the trial as the qu was very specific and couldnt be moulded at all. But in the half yearlies i used the idea, but not so prepared and got 12/15. She said its good how i used metaphors and simile's, hence the reason i put so many in this prepared one.

 

[michaeljennings]

She said its good how i used metaphors and simile's, hence the reason i put so many in this prepared one.

You probably had the balance right to begin with though. More doesnt always mean better.

 

[yours]

Yeh had the majority of it memorised, though i changed parts to try and make it fit the qu better. Didnt use it in the trial as the qu was very specific and couldnt be moulded at all. But in the half yearlies i used the idea, but not so prepared and got 12/15. She said its good how i used metaphors and simile's, hence the reason i put so many in this prepared one.

was your trial about returning to a place that'd completely changed, and it had to be from one of the displayed postcards?

 

[engie_benji]

was your trial about returning to a place that'd completely changed, and it had to be from one of the displayed postcards?

Yes that was it, it was a shocker of a question and i only had 20 mins and only wrote 2 pages coz of time lol, ended up gettin 8/15. Was yours the same one? How did you go in that test?

 

[engie_benji]

or do you go to my school? haha

 

[yours]

or do you go to my school? haha

i don't go to your school because we didn't have a half yearly for english. I also made mine up on the spot it was 4 pages but not full pages, most paragraphs were a sentence long it got 14/15 what picture did u pick I picked the sydney harbor bridge one

 

[engie_benji]

your Not giving away much, your a very mysterious person as your location suggests. I chose mars. My idea was extra terrestrial creatures who left their planet and came back and it had been taken over, starting a war. Not the worst idea but had no time to expand

 

[yours]

your Not giving away much, your a very mysterious person as your location suggests. I chose mars. My idea was extra terrestrial creatures who left their planet and came back and it had been taken over, starting a war. Not the worst idea but had no time to expand

why didn't you use that idea for the real hsc then? It's the remembered place of their home planet before it was invaded

 

[xjxmxhx]

Here's what I thought:
Don't use the word belong. Imply a sense of belonging/not belonging but saying it is too obvious.

Telling, not showing. "She was speaking to me"
E.g. "Her kind words soothed my anxiety" rather than "She spoke to me and then I felt better" or "Her face turned red with rage" rather than "she got really angry."

Way too much description - it kinda gets confusing, needs to toned down. Less is more.

The similes are a bit odd, "like a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs," "naked man in the Antarctic"
Honestly, the similes had me confused. That's not the reaction you want to create. The similes need to enhance the writing, not hinder it. Don't use cliche ones, but just make sure they make sense.

Don't think it is in the A range. Sorry.

 

[engie_benji]

why didn't you use that idea for the real hsc then? It's the remembered place of their home planet before it was invaded

The plum tree's a great idea though. P.s. When you said you'd take their marks as a grain of salt, what mark would you give it?

 

[engie_benji]

Here's what I thought:
Don't use the word belong. Imply a sense of belonging/not belonging but saying it is too obvious.

Telling, not showing. "She was speaking to me"
E.g. "Her kind words soothed my anxiety" rather than "She spoke to me and then I felt better" or "Her face turned red with rage" rather than "she got really angry."

Way too much description - it kinda gets confusing, needs to toned down. Less is more.

The similes are a bit odd, "like a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs," "naked man in the Antarctic"
Honestly, the similes had me confused. That's not the reaction you want to create. The similes need to enhance the writing, not hinder it. Don't use cliche ones, but just make sure they make sense.

Don't think it is in the A range. Sorry.

B range?

 

[yours]

The plum tree's a great idea though. P.s. When you said you'd take their marks as a grain of salt, what mark would you give it?

I have no idea what mark corresponds to what quality. What mark would you give it?

 

[engie_benji]

Well i know its gotta be pretty top shelf for 13+ and its definitely not top shelf from these reports. Id say the state average would be 10ish. How far above/below average is it, thats the trouble for me. Not correspondance of marks, but deciphering the quality of this piece. Leave it up to the markers to judge thats all i can do

 

[themanman]

Main thing ive tried to do is create imagery, add techniques plus a bit of humour. The main reference to place comes at the end but the stimuli did say people and place. My only concern is its length. Tell me what you all think please? Cheers



I open my eyes; the lights are as bright and unbearable as the uncovered son on the hottest day. Who are these creatures swarming me like flies upon a fresh wound? Im frightened, like a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs, feeling powerless. There’s nowhere to go, held by a pale, long haired giant, as I scream, almost silently in this open room. Next, I am passed, like a football, along a line for the next being to hold me. As moments go by, I am finally taken away from these monstrous beings, into an open room filled with small fragile individuals like myself, I feel I belong here, but, faster than a cheetah running from extinction, I am captured again, and taken from the building where the bright lights instantly disappear, and I am left staring into the dark and lonely atmosphere, lonelier than the last leaf on a tree before winter begins. Where were they taking me? I thought, as we moved swiftly in a strange vehicle. To pass time, and avoid the fearful circumstances I was in, I closed my eyes and fell into a sleep deeper, than the end of sight. Hours later, as I awoke, lying in an enclosed bed, I again felt isolated and screamed as loud as my new voicebox would allow, I regret this though, because the same scary, pale skinned, long haired giant approached me and grasped me with her bare hands, I was an ant. She started feeding me, a warm white liquid that I slurped noisily and finished nearly instantly. I then began to feel as sick as a naked man in the Antarctic, the liquid came back out of my mouth like a rushing waterfall, what had this monster done to me? Was this liquid poisonous?
Again I was placed into the same bed where I slept until sunrise. I was then collected and freshly bathed in the warmest water. Soon after, there was a plethora of monsters surrounding me, holding me, and pressing there lips upon my cheek. Was this a ritual for the monsters before they execute their victims? The door opened, I was carried through a maze-like garden, along a never-ending footpath and towards waters as blue as the sky on a summer afternoon. Yes there were many other scary giants here, but some also carried smaller folk relatively identical to me. This is where a new found positivity came alive. Were these creatures’ not evil monsters after all? Were these negative thoughts simply visions of my deluded imagination? Possibly these rituals are of no malicious intent at all.
When we returned, I was held in front of a shining silver square, where I could see both myself and the long haired entity holding me in the reflection. She was speaking to me, although I couldn’t understand her directly, the crescent moon smile and angelic voice assisted my realisation that these giants were not monsters, they were friends. The lady holding me loves me unconditionally, and I was simply a younger, smaller version of the same species.
From here, we grew faster than vines, closer than pages in a book. As she feeds me the nutrients needed for sufficient development, I return a love warmer than the thickest blanket on a winter night. Our companionship will last for eternity, I didn’t belong at that large building where I first opened my eyes, I didn’t belong at the open blue waters where I found these positive feelings. I belonged here, at my home, with my mother who loves me more than words could describe

got too lazy to finish the job

far too dense

not lower than a 12, though..

ALSO!!!!
getting too descriptive isnt always a good thing

hinders the flow

its like 1 step has been taken

(10 lines describing the step)

another step has been taken

(10 lines describing)

300 pages later, he has walked down the street

 

[engie_benji]

got too lazy to finish the job

far too dense

not lower than a 12, though.

Not doubting your judgements, how sure are you about that? Id love to believe that confidently but the amount of differing opinions (one bloke said 10 at a push)

 

[themanman]

got too lazy to finish the job

far too dense

not lower than a 12, though.

Not doubting your judgements, how sure are you about that? Id love to believe that confidently but the amount of differing opinions (one bloke said 10 at a push)

no.. they arent that hard

they do factor in:

1. its impossible to write a novel grade story in 40 mins
2. stress, first exam (for most people)
3. if u made an attempt at the stimulus.. they will appreciate it more

i have hsc markers in my school...
they told me..
FIRST exam - they are told to be more lenient

people get the wrong impression

u see people with excellent stories ending up with 9s and 10s simply cos

1. belonging wasnt evident
2. no attempt at the stimulus

 

[Jongnie]

Main thing ive tried to do is create imagery, add techniques plus a bit of humour. The main reference to place comes at the end but the stimuli did say people and place. My only concern is its length. Tell me what you all think please? Cheers



I open my eyes; the lights are as bright and unbearable as the uncovered son on the hottest day. Who are these creatures swarming me like flies upon a fresh wound? Im frightened, like a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs, feeling powerless. There’s nowhere to go, held by a pale, long haired giant, as I scream, almost silently in this open room. Next, I am passed, like a football, along a line for the next being to hold me. As moments go by, I am finally taken away from these monstrous beings, into an open room filled with small fragile individuals like myself, I feel I belong here, but, faster than a cheetah running from extinction, I am captured again, and taken from the building where the bright lights instantly disappear, and I am left staring into the dark and lonely atmosphere, lonelier than the last leaf on a tree before winter begins. Where were they taking me? I thought, as we moved swiftly in a strange vehicle. To pass time, and avoid the fearful circumstances I was in, I closed my eyes and fell into a sleep deeper, than the end of sight. Hours later, as I awoke, lying in an enclosed bed, I again felt isolated and screamed as loud as my new voicebox would allow, I regret this though, because the same scary, pale skinned, long haired giant approached me and grasped me with her bare hands, I was an ant. She started feeding me, a warm white liquid that I slurped noisily and finished nearly instantly. I then began to feel as sick as a naked man in the Antarctic, the liquid came back out of my mouth like a rushing waterfall, what had this monster done to me? Was this liquid poisonous?
Again I was placed into the same bed where I slept until sunrise. I was then collected and freshly bathed in the warmest water. Soon after, there was a plethora of monsters surrounding me, holding me, and pressing there lips upon my cheek. Was this a ritual for the monsters before they execute their victims? The door opened, I was carried through a maze-like garden, along a never-ending footpath and towards waters as blue as the sky on a summer afternoon. Yes there were many other scary giants here, but some also carried smaller folk relatively identical to me. This is where a new found positivity came alive. Were these creatures’ not evil monsters after all? Were these negative thoughts simply visions of my deluded imagination? Possibly these rituals are of no malicious intent at all.
When we returned, I was held in front of a shining silver square, where I could see both myself and the long haired entity holding me in the reflection. She was speaking to me, although I couldn’t understand her directly, the crescent moon smile and angelic voice assisted my realisation that these giants were not monsters, they were friends. The lady holding me loves me unconditionally, and I was simply a younger, smaller version of the same species.
From here, we grew faster than vines, closer than pages in a book. As she feeds me the nutrients needed for sufficient development, I return a love warmer than the thickest blanket on a winter night. Our companionship will last for eternity, I didn’t belong at that large building where I first opened my eyes, I didn’t belong at the open blue waters where I found these positive feelings. I belonged here, at my home, with my mother who loves me more than words could describe

def. better then mine LOL