creative writing piece in the working.. comments/criticisms. (1 Viewer)

[BHS10]

It’s been weeks and weeks since I was able to show people the real me. Especially those teenage kids, you know how they are, judging everyone and everything by its looks. In saying that though there are those which put looks and such aside, and will pick me up, open me, and let me show them the journey that I could take them on. These people are the ones that I keep close to my heart. Look at all of these people, dawdling past me and only giving me one look – that condemning look. Why don’t they bother picking me up?! I feel so overlooked.

*****​

At this time, I am borrowed by 11 year old little Sammy. Little Sammy, big blue eyes, blonde ponytailed hair, cheeks like a pair of balloons and a smile, what a smile she has. A face to remember... I have always thought that she was advertisement-material. A princess in her looks, but her life would depict otherwise. Oh how I am filled with extravagant happiness when her eyes are fixed on me; moving from left to right, expressing a bewildered look when one of these words on me is out of her range.

Sammy is the daughter of a father with a mental disorder and a mother who she lost to breast cancer; living with her Aunt and dad. There’s a plethora of medical bills that have to be paid on top of the household bills. Sammy helps her Aunt pay for the bills whenever she can, rolling up newspapers and distributing them. What a life for such a kid, yet I have never seen anyone as tough as her mentally. So many balls to juggle for a youth, taking care of her father, working and school. It's like juggling three balls with one hand.Her face seems to be aging, becoming rough, like those of an old man’s hands.

She opens me up and allows me to show my inner self despite what I look like on the outside. I’ve been torn, vandalised and left with vulgar remarks written on me. Sammy lets her imagination run wild when she reads me; she escapes reality... into a world... a world full of the characters that have been delineated by my creator. She sees the sights and the scenes that my composer was seeing when he made me. Nevertheless, she is granted the power to combine the descriptions with her own vision of the characters. Sammy acts as if though I’m one of her best friends, never putting me down. She’s halfway through me and

sorry if this is in the wrong section. A mod can move it if it isn't. sorry again.
I'm not that great of a writer and im certainly not very creative so yeah, this is what i've got so far.
the story is in the perspective of a book.

is it boring? which areas can i improve on?

comments/criticisms appreciated. thanks.

 

[imnotwallace]

Well the story's incomplete so first, where are you taking the audience? What's the point of the story (and I assume you would have somewhat prepared an ending to it)?

The bit on paying house bills and medical bills seems a bit boring unless there's some sort of plot significance for it.
also:

So many balls to juggle for a youth, taking care of her father, working and school. It's like juggling three balls with one hand.

It feels repetitive when you use the same simile twice in a row to describe exactly the same thing.

Without a complete story, I don't know what else to add. Just ask yourself if you're just giving far too much extrenuous detail than actually is needed. 'Less is more' and leaving the audience to fill in some parts of the story with their imagination makes good storytelling. It's fair enough that you need to spoon feed some details to make it clear that the narrator is a book but maybe you could flesh out Sammy's home life into more subtlety should the limits of the narrative allow it.

A general summarised synopsis of the plot would be good to look at to get a grasp at what you're trying to achieve.

*EDIT* Oh I forgot, my English teacher always says "Show rather than tell". Do that when possible.

 

[BHS10]

Well the story's incomplete so first, where are you taking the audience? What's the point of the story (and I assume you would have somewhat prepared an ending to it)?

The bit on paying house bills and medical bills seems a bit boring unless there's some sort of plot significance for it.
also:
It feels repetitive when you use the same simile twice in a row to describe exactly the same thing.

Without a complete story, I don't know what else to add. Just ask yourself if you're just giving far too much extrenuous detail than actually is needed. 'Less is more' and leaving the audience to fill in some parts of the story with their imagination makes good storytelling. It's fair enough that you need to spoon feed some details to make it clear that the narrator is a book but maybe you could flesh out Sammy's home life into more subtlety should the limits of the narrative allow it.

A general summarised synopsis of the plot would be good to look at to get a grasp at what you're trying to achieve.

*EDIT* Oh I forgot, my English teacher always says "Show rather than tell". Do that when possible.

thanks a lot for that.

my main point is that she reads books to escape reality and such. i hate creative writing :mad1: