Lainee said:
I always look for balance in my life - a healthy balance between independence and love of family is what is lacking nowadays. Marriage comes with it the responsibility of maintaining a family - it's not just me and him and love alone. If I happen to fall in love with someone my family does not like, I would never marry him ...
That would be very sad indeed. If your parents really did not love the person you chose to love then I'd argue that they are not really thinking in your best interests but rather selfishly. My parents have always made it clear to me that they will love whoever I choose to love because they trust me to make the right choice. In the end it is my personal choice and your personal choice. It should not be your parents. Your parents should be interested in YOUR personal happiness.
If your parents stopped you from marrying the person you loved because they did not approve then it would should that your parents are not interested in your personal happiness or welfare, but rather their own image and power. Dictating the issue of love to your children, when they are well into their adulthood, is anachronistic and belongs in the 18th century.
I would hope that parents are open minded enough to be able to accept that their little princess has grown up and as such should choose to marry whoever she wants. The parents that make it difficult for their son or daugher because they don't like him or her are stubborn. It does do any good for the parents to never accept the in law daughter or son.
lainee said:
My aunt married a Russian man and whenever she visits her parents, he brings a book or his laptop along and sits by himself.
So have some cousins who married Aussie blokes and barely visit the family anymore. I'm not sure how they feel about all that, they could be perfectly happy with the arrangement
, but language does make a huge difference to how well everyone gets along!
You wonder why the they never visit the family ever again?
From the sounds of things I'd run too.
No guy or girls wants to feel like their are under an
obligation to form deep heartfelt relationships with their in laws. If they do all well and good. But it should not be a condition of the relationship happening. If it is it will only end in heartbreak. Keeping a whole family happy when it comes to relationship is too much to ask when people have trouble keeping the relationship itself happy. The added scrutiny of family pressure and obligation will not result in the relationship lasting.
lainee said:
On the contrary, I think it's prudent to think of the practical side of the marriage. Marry for love yes, but everyone has to consider how that is going to work out in the long term. Definately not a romantic notion, and very realistic to consider how fulfilling the marriage will be for everyone involved.
Again the person is marrying you. Not great aunt Dot. the fact that Aunty Dot is invovled means she gets to have a say in the marriage and the new hubby has to keep her happy AS WELL as the in laws, the wife and the sister in laws. It's added pressure and scrutiny that doesn't do wonders for the relationship. Family contact is great. But too much will kill it and kill it good.
lainee said:
I will never be selfish enough to cause a rift in my family. I'm not going to marry someone if they don't compromise a little to fit with my priorities in life. Similarly, I don't mind compromising if there is something about me that would make our marriage life difficult.
I would hope that your family, once if found out that you were marrying that person, would get over their stubborness and accept the person you love. Parents and extended families who disaprove of new husbands should butt out or accept that person and accept the choice of the girl. The onus in not on the girl. It is on the family to accept the personal choice of the girl.
lainee said:
Actually, I'd like to find a guy who values his mother so much. If his mother, who probably knows him best, thinks that I'm not the right person for her son then that's certainly something I have to think about. I'm not going to marry him AT ALL COSTS and cause hardship between him and his parents.
'Sorry Lainee. I love you so much. And these last 5 years have been a blast. But my mum doesn't like you. So it doesnt look like its going to work out. Cyas'.
I think it would be better if the mother respected the choice of the son rather than stubbornly not accept the fact that her child has grown up should be able to make choices for themselves.
Mothers are important. But I'd hope my mother would accept my potential wife. Only immaturity and stubbornness would stop her from doing so.
It would be rather sad if a persons mother and extended family dictated your life choices well into your adulthood.
YOU choose who you marry. NOT your family. To admit that family has a large choice in who you marry indicates a feeling not too far different from arranged marriages.
My family is the biggest thing in my life right now. I can sacrifice everything for them - even my own personal happiness by not being able to marry the man I love. It doesn't mean I'll stop loving him, I just owe my parents too much to hurt them.
Again. Your parents, if the situation arose, would need to respect your personal decision. They would need to recognise that the best person top make choices for you is you as an individual. That they have no right to dictate your adult life.
Only a poor parent would fail to accept the personal choice of a grown adult.