I get that most of it is because you're talking on the internet, but before you move up I suggest you revise the use of plurals, words like "who" and "which", the placement of adjectives and nouns in a sentence, the use (more specifically overuse) of conjunctions and tautology.
I assumed that your use of capit
olisation, punctuation and spelling (slang/typos) are affected by publishing this informally on the internet.
Oh and I almost forgot to congratulate you
. Reading it over
i realise it sounds kind of bitchy, and believe me I'm not perfect. I just thought it might be able to help you improve. Sorry in advance if I corrected you wrongly in any way.