Hitler's totalitarian society. (1 Viewer)

[mzduxx2006]

Just out of curiosity guys i wanted to see what you intelligent people think of my essay in regards to Hitler's totalitarian society between 1933-1934. I included the following factors:

- Enabling Act of 1933
- Decree for the protection of People and State- 1933
- Reichstag fire of 1933
- Night of the Long Knives
- projected ideologies such as the "aryan race".

Let me know what you guys think of it. did it help? did it not? could i have improved?

xoxo

 

[Testpilot]

I've been pretty harsh in my feedback. Whether you use it or not is up to you but I know what will get good marks in history.

Improvements:

-For a start this is way too short, during my HSC for assessment tasks (not tests) I was writing around 6000 words per essay to make them detailed.

-Why is it not referenced? Reference every quote and stat.

-You can't say something and then not prove it. For example:

[FONT=&quot]
Hitler, as political leader of the Nazis, was in fact quite a controlling and key political figure within his party. He was often considered to be the primary contribution of Germany being a totalitarian state. Totalitarianism is defined as a system of government which empowers all aspects of state and national affairs, a single party which tolerates no opposition from alternative political parties and hence aims to shape the way in which society thinks and acts. This outcome is usually achieved by means of modern scientific and technological propaganda to influence the general population- an achievable outcome due to Joseph Goebbels who was leader of Nazi propaganda. Yet in saying this, totalitarianism cannot be achieved by force, the whole concept itself usually encounters a large amount of support. Thus the movement is elevated and differs significantly from despotism or absolutism. [/FONT]

In this paragraph your topic sentence discusses Hitler as being controlling, but you never tell the reader how he was controlling, there is no examples of it.
[FONT=&quot][/FONT]
-It is not good enough to simply recount what happened. You need to identify causes and effects of an event (at the very least).

-Always bring your paragraphs back to the question. How did the argument of the paragraph contribute to a German totalitarian state.

-You need more quotes, statistics etc

-You need more resources than the internet, class notes etc. Then you can say Historian X agrees with me as evident in this quote (don't use these exact words).

What You Did Well:

-Defined terms like totalitarianism.
-There were topic sentences, but perhaps they could be improved.
-You choose good points of discussion but you didn't bring them back to the question and relate them to your argument. They weren't detailed enough to satisfy the question.

 

[dbevis]

6000 words!?!?!?!?!?

At my school they tell us to write essays to a certain length, usually 1500 + source analysis ect. Our extention history major work is only supposed to be 2500 words for the actual essay and the 600 for source analysis and 200 word synopsis

 

[-pari-]

yeah 6000 words is a bit much to write in 45 min i'm assuming most schools encourage essays to be 45min-length even for practice..

unless its like an assignment or something

 

[nichhhole]

I've been pretty harsh in my feedback. Whether you use it or not is up to you but I know what will get good marks in history.

Improvements:

-For a start this is way too short, during my HSC for assessment tasks (not tests) I was writing around 6000 words per essay to make them detailed.

-Why is it not referenced? Reference every quote and stat.

-You can't say something and then not prove it. For example:



In this paragraph your topic sentence discusses Hitler as being controlling, but you never tell the reader how he was controlling, there is no examples of it.

-It is not good enough to simply recount what happened. You need to identify causes and effects of an event (at the very least).

-Always bring your paragraphs back to the question. How did the argument of the paragraph contribute to a German totalitarian state.

-You need more quotes, statistics etc

-You need more resources than the internet, class notes etc. Then you can say Historian X agrees with me as evident in this quote (don't use these exact words).

What You Did Well:

-Defined terms like totalitarianism.
-There were topic sentences, but perhaps they could be improved.
-You choose good points of discussion but you didn't bring them back to the question and relate them to your argument. They weren't detailed enough to satisfy the question.

Test makes some v. good points...
i can't really add much to that except to watch your spelling.. [nazi i know!]
um...
'Night of the long knives'
and as for the leader of the SA, i know there are lots of different spellings for it but i always thought it was 'Rohm'... as opposed to Rome?
you're variation is probably right too, but just clarify with ur text book.

[Dw, i'm studying Leni Riefenstahl and i predict i'll start calling her reifo or something to avoid wasting so much time on her name]

goodluck

 

[*miranda*]

yeah 6000 is pretty steep - my teacher has a 2000 word limit for essays for assessment tasks.

 

[zangetsu.xo]

[Dw, i'm studying Leni Riefenstahl and i predict i'll start calling her reifo or something to avoid wasting so much time on her name]

ahahahhaa.
speel all the way.

 

[zangetsu.xo]

wait no its speer.
my bad...

 

[ccc123]

I've been pretty harsh in my feedback. Whether you use it or not is up to you but I know what will get good marks in history.

Improvements:

-For a start this is way too short, during my HSC for assessment tasks (not tests) I was writing around 6000 words per essay to make them detailed.

-Why is it not referenced? Reference every quote and stat.

-You can't say something and then not prove it. For example:



In this paragraph your topic sentence discusses Hitler as being controlling, but you never tell the reader how he was controlling, there is no examples of it.

-It is not good enough to simply recount what happened. You need to identify causes and effects of an event (at the very least).

-Always bring your paragraphs back to the question. How did the argument of the paragraph contribute to a German totalitarian state.

-You need more quotes, statistics etc

-You need more resources than the internet, class notes etc. Then you can say Historian X agrees with me as evident in this quote (don't use these exact words).

What You Did Well:

-Defined terms like totalitarianism.
-There were topic sentences, but perhaps they could be improved.
-You choose good points of discussion but you didn't bring them back to the question and relate them to your argument. They weren't detailed enough to satisfy the question.

Valid criticism, but there's not much point writing 6000 word essays (unless its an at home assessment that requires this much) when you have 40 mins in the HSC. Her length is fine.