It reads like a train wreck, go out and pick up a decent essay, check how many times they repeat phrases and write 'I feel'. No! You don't feel, you know. Tell them what you are saying as a fact, convince the responder that you are correct and know exactly what is going on, you don't 'feel' that there is no target audience, the work has been 'deliberately constructed to convey the values of the piece' to a wide audience, talk about the human condition and most importantly, write in an essay structure.
Introduction! - What the hell is your piece about? Why is it about this? How did it evolve and what inspired you? WHY are you writing about this. As a word of advice, don't say "because I am an angsty goth teen who slits my wrists while listening to Nirvana, but I do it sideways because I am secretly afraid to die and looking for attention". Talk about your personal interests in human nature and the human condition; loneliness is intrinsicly linked to existence, NAME A FEW TEXTS THAT INSPIRED YOU.
Body - How did you do it, why did you do it, give some examples, link to references, mentors, shit that helped you make it, even if there was nothing. I did no literary study for mine, and I made showcase. It's about what the marker believes and whether you honestly know what you are talking about, not about what you actually did or actually feel. TECHNIQUES. Techniques is a catch phrase that markers love, it means you know what you are doing, even if you don't. TALK ABOUT THE TECHNICAL. How did you film it, who taught you to film, how did these effects impact upon the composition of the work? What program did you use to sequence it, how about sound. This should all be in a small paragraph that shows the marker you worked hard. Summarise 9 months of learning an audio visual program you never learned into a single line, that is the mark of a true artist.
EXAMPLE: "Through my research on the topic of loneliness, my concept has developed to become the written screenplay."
What the hell is this? Good god. Honestly. No. Firstly the sentence structure reads like something a year 7 would write; it should read: "Throughout the progress of my independent research, the influences of BLAH BLAH AND BLAH contributed in the development and evolution of my project from INSERT BULLSHIT STARTING POINT to the medium of written screenplay. BLAH BLAH AND BLAH demonstrated the effectivness of the written screenplay in conveying meaning. INSERT MORE EXAMPLES ON HOW THEY DID THIS.
You need to convince the marker that it evolved in a big way, that it did so because you worked your arse off and WHY it did this. You have a semi-decent vocabulary, but it's not written in a flowing way, imagine your work is a pool of bullshit that the markers want to go swimming in, they don't want to have to wade through that harsh and realistic genuinity, or personal opinion, they want to duck dive in the fetid, feminist mess, don't put things in their way, make it easy.
EXAMPLE TWO: "Being an analytical piece, I followed very closely information I gathered from various websites written by qualified professionals relating to its common causes, loneliness as the human condition, the effects of loneliness, and its treatment. I also searched for literary quotes concerning loneliness, and these eventually were what propelled the screenplay into being. Several of these are also littered throughout the text."
Look at this crap! Where is the MEAT in your text. "various wesbties written by qualified professionals"; what bloody websites? What the hell did these professionals say? What makes them proffessionals? How did it develop your work? What sayings and quotes, who wrote them, how did that person influence your work? Where in the text, why in the text, WHAT does this do for your text?
The reflection statement is MAKE OR BREAK. You can have the best project in the world and have spent hundreds of hours making it beautiful, but if you can't convince the marker in the reflection statement that you are a pretentious, feminist, left wing, arsehole who toiled for 300 hours on their project late at night in their room surrounded by Orlando and Possession posters, then you will get nowhere! My best advice to you is to get it edited by someone who really knows what they are doing, I would volunteer, but I am a bastard.
One more point; link it back to the godamn course more. What modules influenced you, how did these modules influence you, how are they inexorably bound to the content of your work. It doesn't matter if they aren't, BULLSHIT A LINK.
