I'm not grasping something in extended responses and my marks are suffering. (1 Viewer)

[Brandisong]

As the title states, in any extended response I write my marks don't reflect how much study I put in.
I have a great study routine going and put in several hours per day. I can analyse the texts well, I remember the quotes perfectly and I'm using the PEEL structure for all my responses. My examples are usually well-chosen for the texts and I write a decent amount. I'm mentioning and linking my examples back to the question with every second sentence. My marks I just got back were 7/20. I'm trying my best to just accept that it's my fault and my responses are bad but I just end up crying.

I feel like there's something I'm not taking into account. Something that I'm not realising which is making my marks suffer. Is there anything else that I have to account for? I'm staggering blindly in the dark and I don't understand what's going on. My teacher flat out refuses to help me. I'm constantly recieving criticism for my work in extended responses across all subjects and I don't understand why. I'm getting incredible marks for multiple choice and short answer questions, but flunk out in the high-marking extended responses. It's taking a big impact on my mental health and motivation to study.

Has anyone else ran into this problem before? Are there any good guidelines or articles I can use to fix this?

 

[Neil_]

What was the feedback your teachers gave you?

 

[Brandisong]

"Your response lacks textual detail, you tend to give a generalised description of what happens rather than provide a solid analysis.
You must remember to provide the names of your composers in your introduction and organise your ideas more effectively - your response lacks structure, you must start your paragraphs with topic sentences, you must make reference to the question consistently - Name your techniques & explain their effect. A lot of work needed here before HSC - Use technical language appropriate to film and novel and be clear and concise on how interactions with others are often transformative.
PEEL structure needed for your response."

The question was How do the characters in The Black Balloon and one other named text experience transformations due to their interactions?

I'll give an example, this is my first body paragraph:
"Down's 'The Black Balloon' has Thomas completely transforming due to his interactions with his family and Jackie. Thomas initially neglects his brother and although still is intimate with him, doesn't want him to be a part of his life.
"He is not my responsibility."
"He's a freak!"
Maggie then slaps him, then after a long pause says:
"He will never be able to do the things you can, Thomas."
Down uses close-ups in order to highlight the expression on Thomas and Maggie's faces, encouraging the viewer to share their bitterness.
This scene shows Thomas' view on Charlie and his denial before his transformation through his interactions.

 

[Neil_]

"Your response lacks textual detail, you tend to give a generalised description of what happens rather than provide a solid analysis.
You must remember to provide the names of your composers in your introduction and organise your ideas more effectively - your response lacks structure, you must start your paragraphs with topic sentences, you must make reference to the question consistently - Name your techniques & explain their effect. A lot of work needed here before HSC - Use technical language appropriate to film and novel and be clear and concise on how interactions with others are often transformative.
PEEL structure needed for your response."

The question was How do the characters in The Black Balloon and one other named text experience transformations due to their interactions?

I'll give an example, this is my first body paragraph:
"Down's 'The Black Balloon' has Thomas completely transforming due to his interactions with his family and Jackie. Thomas initially neglects his brother and although still is intimate with him, doesn't want him to be a part of his life.
"He is not my responsibility."
"He's a freak!"
Maggie then slaps him, then after a long pause says:
"He will never be able to do the things you can, Thomas."
Down uses close-ups in order to highlight the expression on Thomas and Maggie's faces, encouraging the viewer to share their bitterness.
This scene shows Thomas' view on Charlie and his denial before his transformation through his interactions.

- Whenever marker says lacks 'textual detail' you must analyse it with techniques. See the technique list here:
https://www.matrix.edu.au/film-techniques-how-to-analyse-a-cinematic-text/ (for films)

- Your response contains A LOT of quotations. If it's a film, you should use some film techniques.

- For example, the high angle shot infused with monochrome lighting of X portrays his disheartened state as a result of Y.

Always use a TECHNIQUE! (Can be a film technique).


For your question. You need to PICK two ideas you can draw of from the question. I suggest maturation as one.

You need to begin your PEEL point with a POINT. You do this through using a conceptual topic sentence such as:

Profound experiences are achieved through individuals' maturation. This is explored within 'YOUR TEXT'. Then begin analysing with techniques related to the point of your topic sentence.

Have a look at how this HSC sample response goes about what I mentioned - https://www.boardofstudies.nsw.edu....paper2-module-c-question10-band56-sample2.pdf

 

[Neil_]

Oh point of note, don't mention any character in your topic sentence. It has to be conceptual.

 

[caleb2160]

Alright, there's a lot of issues with your essay. First your structure is obviously completely wrong and your language is a tad informal. You asked for help, I'm gonna give it to you. Your introduction should contain your thesis, which is your answer and your argument. Basically your stance on the question. It should always introduce your two texts and who they are composed by. I say this because your teacher clearly said "You must remember to provide the names of your composers in your Introduction. Include a sentence on how they related to your thesis and end the paragraph. From what your teacher have stated and what you've sent, it's not hard to see that your structure needs help. Right after you finish your introduction Start your big body paragraph 1. It should have a point that links straight to the thesis. For instance, one of my points for discovery is: "Imaginative and Self-discoveries can release imprisoned possibilities that can lead to a path of .... XYZ. This point is the basis of your paragraph. You use this point to create the rest of your para, it's the head of everything. It gives direction to the entire paragraph. You should next after expanding on the point, support the point with legitimate quotes etc followed by analysis. See what you did was show 5 or 6 quotes all next to each other with absolutely no analysis inbetween, only at the end. This is an incorrect method and makes the essay seem like a story telling discussion. An essay is an argument not a summary book. (btw no I'm not doing the module exploring interactions so I can only use what you've given me) What you should have done was:The transformative nature of Thomas made by Down's 'Big black balloon' has had a detrimental impact on his interactions with his family. For instance, the quote "He's not my responsibility" represents his neglecting actions towards his brother. *Character* uses a stronger tone in his dialogue to represent interaction with his brother. etccc. Basically, don't retell the story, they don't care and they don't want to read it twice. Your point shouldn't be completely conceptual and have no mention of your characters etc as Neil_ said. That being said, practice essays constantly and get your teacher to mark it. In 3 weeks, I made 9 essays so I could improve, with what you need is practice now. So go get some practice and get your teachers to harshly and critically mark it with feedback. Brainlessly making notes for several hours means nothing if you don't want to apply it and work on skills such as structure. If you know the quotes and can't use them properly you won't get any higher than a 60%