steffie_jay2
New Member
OK, I need help with my story. I like it, but I want to know if other people like it and if it will score in the Band 6 range.
Any and all criticims welcome.
Good luck with your exams.
Lucinda watched the vivid carefree colours as her mother turned the page. She squinted. They formed a mass of nothing, a rainbow condensed into a globe that would capture the interest of any child. The contrasting white of the Rabbit jumped out at her, a small electric shock, bringing her back into focus, back into the story.
"Are you listening Lucinda? If you aren't going to listen then I'm not going to read."
"Of course I am. Alice is just about to follow that rabbit."
Lucinda looked up from the bed, as her mother continued to read, and stared outside at the streetlamp beyond her window. The pale glow was hard to discern, the eerie light coming from her lamp overpowering it like a pungent smell. Up, and up, and up, and down. Up, and up, and up, and down. She watched the lava free itself from the iridescent orb, like she longed to.
" ‘Alice had not a moment to stop herself before she found herself falling down a very deep well. Either the well was very deep, or she fell very slowly, for she had plenty of time as she went down to look about her and wonder what was going to happen next.’ "
Lucinda stretched herself out on the bed, arms wide, picturing what it would be like to fall through a burrow. ‘At least I wouldn’t be hungry,’ she thought. That sickening sensation of the show rides would be consuming, that your stomach had been left behind, misplaced like a sock.
" ‘When suddenly thump! thump! down she came upon a heap of sticks and dry leaves, the fall was over.’ "
Lucinda sat up, just as Alice would after she had reached the bottom. She looked around, trying to imagine how Alice would be feeling at the beginning of her grand journey. She sighed, 'I wish I could have an adventure like Alice.'
Her mother grabbed at her glasses and glanced over, "Lucinda really, I'm trying to read you a story; the least you can do is listen!" She said indignantly. Resting her round frames back onto her nose, she peered owl-like into the book.
" ‘Before her was another long passage and the White Rabbit was still in sight, hurrying down it.’ "
Lucinda wished she could find a rabbit hole, a small opening in the ground so as only she could fit through to follow that ashen creature, the bringer of adventures. She got underneath the blankets, wriggling as she might if she were down a rabbit hole, squirming as she might if she were a caterpillar. Her mother's voice transcended through the coverings that separated her real world and her fantasy world.
" ‘This time she found a little bottle on it, and round the neck of a bottle was a paper label, with the words ‘DRINK ME’ beautifully printed on it in large letters.’ "
Lucinda pictured what it would be like to cry a sea of tears: a leaking tap. Drip. Drip. Drip. The same salty taste as what was left on your skin after a day at the beach. Maybe the ocean was where Alice had cried, they had the same taste; they must be the same. Tears. Tears had made the ocean.
She crawled out of her warren, and blinked in the fluorescent glare. The lava lamp had been switched for the modern energy-saving desk light. Art was sacrificed to science yet again. She sighed.
"Mum?"
"Yes Lucinda."
"Why can't I have a journey like Alice?"
"What do you mean?"
"Why can't I find a rabbit hole and crawl through it to find another world?"
"You can, only it's not quite the same."
"I can find a rabbit hole!" she whispered enthusiastically.
"No. But you can have an adventure by reading a book. Be transported into another world and experience new sites and sounds and smells. New ideas."
"Oh."
"In this book it isn't only Alice's journey through the rabbit hole that is important, but also the journey we take with our imaginations to create Alice's journey through the rabbit hole. This is how we have an adventure."
"So I can have one too!"
"Not tonight Lucinda, perhaps tomorrow."
"Goodnight Mum," she said whilst taking in a yawn.
"Goodnight Lucinda."
The light was switched off and Lucinda was left with only its memory, a bright sphere obscuring her vision. She went to the window, and looked at the faint glare from the streetlamp, it too was getting ready for bed. Her mother had given her a lot to think about, she could go on a journey, anytime she wanted.
Lucinda started, intently gaping at the patch of footpath illuminated by the light outside. Tapping his furry foot impatiently, looking at a silver fob watch and wearing a plum velvet waistcoat, was the Rabbit. A smile rushed to her face lighting her eyes; maybe she didn’t need books after all.
Any and all criticims welcome.
Good luck with your exams.
Lucinda watched the vivid carefree colours as her mother turned the page. She squinted. They formed a mass of nothing, a rainbow condensed into a globe that would capture the interest of any child. The contrasting white of the Rabbit jumped out at her, a small electric shock, bringing her back into focus, back into the story.
"Are you listening Lucinda? If you aren't going to listen then I'm not going to read."
"Of course I am. Alice is just about to follow that rabbit."
Lucinda looked up from the bed, as her mother continued to read, and stared outside at the streetlamp beyond her window. The pale glow was hard to discern, the eerie light coming from her lamp overpowering it like a pungent smell. Up, and up, and up, and down. Up, and up, and up, and down. She watched the lava free itself from the iridescent orb, like she longed to.
" ‘Alice had not a moment to stop herself before she found herself falling down a very deep well. Either the well was very deep, or she fell very slowly, for she had plenty of time as she went down to look about her and wonder what was going to happen next.’ "
Lucinda stretched herself out on the bed, arms wide, picturing what it would be like to fall through a burrow. ‘At least I wouldn’t be hungry,’ she thought. That sickening sensation of the show rides would be consuming, that your stomach had been left behind, misplaced like a sock.
" ‘When suddenly thump! thump! down she came upon a heap of sticks and dry leaves, the fall was over.’ "
Lucinda sat up, just as Alice would after she had reached the bottom. She looked around, trying to imagine how Alice would be feeling at the beginning of her grand journey. She sighed, 'I wish I could have an adventure like Alice.'
Her mother grabbed at her glasses and glanced over, "Lucinda really, I'm trying to read you a story; the least you can do is listen!" She said indignantly. Resting her round frames back onto her nose, she peered owl-like into the book.
" ‘Before her was another long passage and the White Rabbit was still in sight, hurrying down it.’ "
Lucinda wished she could find a rabbit hole, a small opening in the ground so as only she could fit through to follow that ashen creature, the bringer of adventures. She got underneath the blankets, wriggling as she might if she were down a rabbit hole, squirming as she might if she were a caterpillar. Her mother's voice transcended through the coverings that separated her real world and her fantasy world.
" ‘This time she found a little bottle on it, and round the neck of a bottle was a paper label, with the words ‘DRINK ME’ beautifully printed on it in large letters.’ "
Lucinda pictured what it would be like to cry a sea of tears: a leaking tap. Drip. Drip. Drip. The same salty taste as what was left on your skin after a day at the beach. Maybe the ocean was where Alice had cried, they had the same taste; they must be the same. Tears. Tears had made the ocean.
She crawled out of her warren, and blinked in the fluorescent glare. The lava lamp had been switched for the modern energy-saving desk light. Art was sacrificed to science yet again. She sighed.
"Mum?"
"Yes Lucinda."
"Why can't I have a journey like Alice?"
"What do you mean?"
"Why can't I find a rabbit hole and crawl through it to find another world?"
"You can, only it's not quite the same."
"I can find a rabbit hole!" she whispered enthusiastically.
"No. But you can have an adventure by reading a book. Be transported into another world and experience new sites and sounds and smells. New ideas."
"Oh."
"In this book it isn't only Alice's journey through the rabbit hole that is important, but also the journey we take with our imaginations to create Alice's journey through the rabbit hole. This is how we have an adventure."
"So I can have one too!"
"Not tonight Lucinda, perhaps tomorrow."
"Goodnight Mum," she said whilst taking in a yawn.
"Goodnight Lucinda."
The light was switched off and Lucinda was left with only its memory, a bright sphere obscuring her vision. She went to the window, and looked at the faint glare from the streetlamp, it too was getting ready for bed. Her mother had given her a lot to think about, she could go on a journey, anytime she wanted.
Lucinda started, intently gaping at the patch of footpath illuminated by the light outside. Tapping his furry foot impatiently, looking at a silver fob watch and wearing a plum velvet waistcoat, was the Rabbit. A smile rushed to her face lighting her eyes; maybe she didn’t need books after all.
