My Creative Writing story (2 Viewers)

[danz90]

Anyone who would be willing to read my creative writing piece and give me some feedback.. I would really appreciate if you could pm me.. and then I'll send it over pm

 

[Roga]

Listen, at least I bothered to explained it to you. Sure, this explanation differs from my old one, but so what, both are perfectly valid. The girl has a journey. The guy has a inner journey, coming to realise that he can no longer stand being with his friend because he previously had feelings for her. This shows growth in some aspects. However, full character growth would have occurred if he could overcome these feeling. Hence, we are left with a sense of partial growth.

You argued the point I earlier quoted "...form of change". I showed to you that there was indeed a change for the character. I never argued that you said there wasn't a journey. I merely offered my perspective. Therefore, no argument, just two people with perspectives.

"u look like a massive tool now"
Maybe with some correct spelling and punctuation, I'd take offence.


Roga: Compliments to you on your story. vbmenu_register("postmenu_3799602", true);

Haha, thanks very much! Some good feedback I might add too.

 

[killarahigh]

Anyone who would be willing to read my creative writing piece and give me some feedback.. I would really appreciate if you could pm me.. and then I'll send it over pm

Hey i wouldn't mind reading it. PM me if you want.

How long's yours, mine is 1100 :/

 

[Shadose]

That was a good story Roga, I like it so much

 

[cardinalsfan70]

Try and make the perspective sound a bit more masculine. Such as by changing:

"all because of a boy I liked"

INTO

"All because I like a boy"


I just wish I hadn't seen the end before reading. Damn internet browser...

i agree it would be even better if you could make it all sound a bit more masculine. i think even the word boy is a hint that it's a girl. if you say "all because i like another guy" it comes off as a little more masculine. an added benefit of saying 'another' is that it could mean either someone other than alan or it could imply that chris is a homosexual.

 

[Roga]

i agree it would be even better if you could make it all sound a bit more masculine. i think even the word boy is a hint that it's a girl. if you say "all because i like another guy" it comes off as a little more masculine. an added benefit of saying 'another' is that it could mean either someone other than alan or it could imply that chris is a homosexual.

Thanks for that tip

 

[cardinalsfan70]

hmm just another thought- when alan first starts teasing chris about liking the other boy you could have the guy she likes react weirdly to give the reader the impression that he's freaked out that chris likes him. then at the conclusion you realise it was because of immaturity or whatever, not that he was weirded out by being liked by a homosexual.

 

[Roga]

hmm just another thought- when alan first starts teasing chris about liking the other boy you could have the guy she likes react weirdly to give the reader the impression that he's freaked out that chris likes him. then at the conclusion you realise it was because of immaturity or whatever, not that he was weirded out by being liked by a homosexual.

Yeah... I'm thinking of making the protagonist sound a little more childish instead of being too formal? Her age (14) is supposed to be expressed much more and use informal language.

 

[cardinalsfan70]

Yeah... I'm thinking of making the protagonist sound a little more childish instead of being too formal? Her age (14) is supposed to be expressed much more and use informal language.

i think it's pretty good how you have it. if you simplify the language too much it'll detract from your story- from what i hear the markers would prefer sophisticated language over simple language that fits a younger character.

the more i read that story the more i wish it was mine haha

 

[cardinalsfan70]

well ok then define the inner journey experienced because i dont see anything that is learnt by either of them???? cant be inner journey without some form of change and i dont see any and dont say its the guy he hasnt he just left and the girl didnt change just constant grief and after first mention dont hear anything again about her confusion, i mean everywhere a possible change could occur nothing happens. FOR an inner journey to occur the person must change

The characters in the story don't even have to change to make it a journey- the fact that as a reader we are able to realise that we've made incorrect gender and sexual assumptions about Chris makes it an inner journey- we change in our own thinking as a result of the story.

Which I would argue is more important and says more about the power of inner journeys to enable self-learning than the characters changing.

 

[-may-cat-]

Yeah... I'm thinking of making the protagonist sound a little more childish instead of being too formal? Her age (14) is supposed to be expressed much more and use informal language.

i wouldnt... but if you decide to, be vary careful, its extremly diffucult to write well in a childs voice.

 

[syriangabsta]

is that a normal length for a creative piece?

like is that how much ur gonna actually write in the exam?/is that how much people normally write?

if so o crap, i'm stupid, i normally burst my brain thinking of what to write for 3 pages, and do something crap in next section of the paper. did that for trials

id like to know this too. is this length sufficient for a minimum of 11/15?

 

[obimoshman1234]

lenght is irregardless essentially when it comes to creatve writing piece. All u need to do is display proper narrative and a journey which is clearly designed and this is all done with use of proper language dependant on story it does not matter. However length average of prepared ones is about 800-1000 words



also ty cardinalfish for explaination

 

[-may-cat-]

lenght is irregardless essentially when it comes to creatve writing piece. All u need to do is display proper narrative and a journey which is clearly designed and this is all done with use of proper language dependant on story it does not matter. However length average of prepared ones is about 800-1000 words



also ty cardinalfish for explaination

my creative is really short, 600 words, but i still got full marks for it in the trial.

heh heh, cardinal fish, make a mental image of that, its pretty funny.

 

[obimoshman1234]

see may cat perfect example it is irregardless of size more dependant on language skill and ability to convey the journey

 

[lepellillow]

i got scared

 

[SH33P]

im going to plan my journey story based on whatever happens on tv the night before the exam... copy that haha lol

 

[louis.andrews]

yeh it doesnt have to be that long. iv got 2 that are about 400 to 450 words each and they both got full marks, one in half yearly, one in trial. its good caus i can write each in about 15 mins so i can get that part done quickly

 

[-may-cat-]

okay so i gave this one to my teacher and he's like "needs more journey" whinge whinge whinge
so i tweaked it a little
but i think the journey is pretty blatantly obvious...
also the character doesn't develop positively, sooo idk... but i didn't think the journey has to be forward? like she journeys from normal, to thinking ehh things aren't good enough, to dealing with it destructively
which is a backwards journey i guess
anywaaaay, any critique would be good but yeah especially about whether the whole journey thing is strong enough.





I’m watching the needle slide beneath my weak and translucent skin but I can’t feel a thing. And the nurse’s scratching whispering voice is sneaking quietly into my head, asking me how I feel.

You want to know how I feel? Close your eyes and go to the beach, hear the roaring crashing waves. I feel like they’re smashing against my pathetic little ribs and rushing into my heart and anytime now it’s going to burst. And the walls of my lungs are being scraped away from the inside and my stomach is stretched out on clamps and full of knots. But the part that hurts the most is my mind. Throbbing conscience, stinging guilt.

Let me show you how it feels.

Imagine now, think carefully and tell me who you are. Who you were in your past, who you are in your dreams, who you are in this moment, now. Think of your life. Your beautiful life, the laughter and the love and the memories, and the pain and the disappointment, every tiny aspect and it’s beauty. Remember your first day at big school and your first boyfriend. Your first pair of heels. Your first real party. Your first failed maths test and your first vicious rumour. The first time your mum told you that she wasn’t angry, she was just disappointed.

Who are your friends? Do you have those friends that are always there? They make you laugh and smile even when you can hardly tell through the foggy blanket of tears. Do you have those friends that don’t really matter? They make you laugh and smile but only when the boys are watching. Do you have those friends who don’t understand what friendship means? They get jealous of all the pretty girls and they’re always there to fuck everything up when you get close to being happy.

Today, look in the mirror and wonder why everything isn’t quite perfect. Imagine you, still the cheerful smart you but a few kilos lighter and imagine how perfect everything would be then. Mia’s going to help you. She’s your real friend.

Now she needs you to rip those memories to shreds. That’s it, tear them up, into tiny little pieces and watch every ounce of your former self fight to keep them. You don’t get the privilege of living your adolescence. Let them fall to the ground, see the shards lie across the years, broken dreams on every step to adulthood. Watch your teeth rot along with your ambition.

Throw away your friendships, you heard. Crush them up to mush and flush them down the toilet with your lunch. See everything disintegrate before you. Feel the slicing pain in your chest when you spew, and the scraping hurt in your throat when you breathe. Watch the days whizz past like cars on the highway, the days of your youth flashing by, but you don’t really notice. Too busy staring at the porcelain with your fingers down your throat.

See your ghost in the mirror and a fragile smile break out when the scales read two pounds lighter. Feel the slicing pain in your chest when you have a cold drink. Gaze at the very last remnants of your dignity floating away in the spring breeze. Listen to the shower, torrents of wasted water disguising your desperate retches. Hide everything from everyone and listen, hear the melody in the water falling, Mia singing, don’t tell a soul. Don’t tell a soul.

She’s one of those friends who’s there when you need her the most. The days where you watched your old friends cry for the life you lost, you came home and she was there for you. She’s one of those friends who will still be there to fuck everything up when you get close to being happy. When someone tells you how fantastic you look it’s Mia who knows it’s not enough, not yet.

Watch your old friends struggle to help you. Feel the guilt curdle in your gut and creep up the lining of your body. You are tired, so tired and it’s seeping into your mouth. Feel it rolling over your tongue, leaking through the gaps in your teeth and trickle to the corners of your mouth, but it’s not guilt anymore, it’s blood, blood from that last violent release and now it dribbles past your lips and they're banging on the door and crashing in and they're screaming, and they call the doctor and now they know. Now everybody knows.

You’re not the same girl anymore, are you?

look man.... its good, but writing about eating disorders? its very very very cliche

 

[Stress.]

Can someone read my story? *flutters eyelashes* pretty please..

Once upon a time, a couple of students embarked on a quest to seek faults within their narratives. They all posted their work online and awaited patiently for the feedback. There was a myriad of responses. These students gained valuable techniques and applied these to their work. The stories were brilliant. Here is what was written on their HSC Report Card...


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2008 Higher School Certificate Results​

Examination Mark Band
English 56/100 3
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It was found that multiple students produced similar responses in Section 2 of Paper 1. Students are reminded that responses must satisfy the requirements of the BOS ‘All Your Own Work’ policy.

If only they had taken this advice...PERIOD.​

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Do you think it's too short?
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!