My Mother and her Alcoholism (1 Viewer)

[S M i L E]

OK, at the moment I am dealing with my mum and her being an alcoholic. I am really scared that this is going to tear my family apart. I have tried sitting down and talking to her about it and telling her how I feel, but she can't see the problem.

I have an older sister (20) and 2 younger brothers (13 - twins). My sister and I can see that the alcoholism is consuming her life, as well as ours. We are not financially fit to move out yet (I go to uni in 2008). Until the point comes when we can move out we are stuck at home with the constant abuse and it is becoming too much to deal with.

Each night my mother sits on the couch and will drink about 10 cans of beer. She usually starts drinking about 4pm, but lately it has started earlier. From there she will usually target one of us and abuse us for being 'too lazy' or 'annoying'. She tries to hide it from all her friends and her boyfriend, but it becomes more detremental to us. She takes out her frustrations on us.

My father was abusive and we haven't had contact with him in about 7 years (after having 4 AVO's). We suffered through the mental and physical abuse with him and now we are going through it again. I've reached out to my best friend for help (but he lives 2000kms away). I don't know where to go to and I already have enough trouble trusting people.

Does anyone have any advice?

edit: font size increased - bubz

 

[tennille]

Could you please increase the size of the font in your post- I'm having difficulty reading it.

Have you called the kids helpline at all?

 

[Atticus.]

oh matey thats so sad
that being said its not a completely unfixable situation. i would advise showing her in a sober, hungover moment the damage her drinking is doing to the ones she loves, it could possibly jolt into some sort of sense
when that happens its time for professional help, you need to research rehabs, AA mentors, treatment and have it easy for her to get to

that and be strong, its a condition, it doesnt mean she doesnt love you
all the best

 

[Skeeta]

oh matey thats so sad
that being said its not a completely unfixable situation. i would advise showing her in a sober, hungover moment the damage her drinking is doing to the ones she loves, it could possibly jolt into some sort of sense
when that happens its time for professional help, you need to research rehabs, AA mentors, treatment and have it easy for her to get to

that and be strong, its a condition, it doesnt mean she doesnt love you
all the best

I agree with tom. My mum was in a similar situation as you. Both her parents were alcoholics, and it ended up killing her mother (my grandmother) before she was 40. Its a terrible disease, but she's the only one who can help herself.

You need to get her into rehab, see centrelink, docs etc. There are plenty of places that are designed for family situations like yours, but you need to reach out and take them.

 

[S M i L E]

Tried getting her help, but they cant help til she helps herself

 

[S1M0]

My advice is this, hang in there.

You have to put on a brave face, and soldier on. Eventually she'll realise that she needs to stop, and she'll try to get on the wagon, and you'll be there to support her when she's ready.

 

[Optophobia]

You definitely need some type of help. Do you have any other relatives you could talk to? A grandmother? If they live too far away, trying phoning them, but approaching them in person and talking to them is the best thing to do. They will suggest something. But if there isn't anything like that, then you should try to contact a counseling service. There has to be some type of help out there for people in your situation. It might not warrant going to the police, but if things are so bad that you really can't handle it then you might not have much choice. They are trained in what to do and they will help you. Especially if your brothers/sister is suffering. If she gets really abusive and anyone gets physically hurt, then call the police.

Other than that, contact Alcoholics anonymous, kids helpline, life line etc.

http://community.boredofstudies.org/3/non-school/94439/where-get-help.html

 

[MzbLaZeIT]

poor chicka.....
its very common, and i feel sorry for you
i was going to ask you to contact your father even though your parents arent together, but as i read on that looks out of the question.......
if her boyfriend seems reasonable maybe you could let him in on how he treats you guys. and he can help her also.........
if not, speak to a family member that can contact some1 to help you guys
alternatively, see a counseller, kids help line etc, that way they can help you and your siblings out emotionally, and then find some professional help for your mother before it gets too late.. i dont know much on the situation about alcoholism or anything but im guessing this is the right way to go

wishing you all the best!

 

[iambored]

Have you talked to professionals about what to talk to her about to try and get her to accept help? Some things you might be able to say that might make her accept her problem?

As others have said, I think you should first call the kids help line, lifeline or AA and ask them where to go from there.

You're doing the right thing, your mum is very lucky to have you looking out for her, even if she never admits it. hang in there

Tried getting her help, but they cant help til she helps herself

I think I have said this before but I don't understand this. I understand that nothing good will come of the help if they don't accept it. But you can't watch someone suffer while waiting for them to give in and take the help.

 

[S M i L E]

Thanks for the support. I've tried getting help previously and there iis nothing they can really do without her contacting them. I've even tried an intervention and it didn't work. I have one close friend to talk to, but family is out of the question (we have been alienated by them).

I guess for the moment all I can do is smile and put on a brave face

 

[alby]

*hugs*
i was going to say for you kids to spend some time with some rellies...until i saw your last post. that makes it even harder when you dont have much emotional support.
possibly talk to your friend/their family for a bit of support in the mean time. does your mum have any close friends? they might be able to help with any sort of interventions/'realisations' (help her to realise what's happening)..same with her boyfriend
definitely talk to the kids helpline (or your local gp/a counselor if you prefer face-to-face support) and AA. DoCS might help you to find some temporary accomodation, hopefully somewhere where all 4 of you can be together

good luck. break down if you want or need to, but remember that there's always someone to listen and lend a shoulder

 

[faintygirl83]

You poor thing Do you know any trustworthy adults or family friends that you could ask for help? I read that you are not in contact with any relatives, so that must make it harder. How does your mother's boyfriend feel about her behaviour?

Does your older sister work? I'm no professional, but could you move out with your sister while trying to get temporary custody of your twin brothers? Surely you'd be able to get support from centrelink if your older sister was caring for 2 dependent teens?

I suggest contacting the Kids Helpline too - you can talk to a counsellor on the phone, over the internet or by email http://www.kidshelp.com.au/ .

I also found this on the DOCS website:

"how do I report suspected abuse or neglect?

Anyone who suspects, on reasonable grounds, that a child or young person is at risk of being neglected or physically, sexually or emotionally abused, should report it to DoCS.

You can make a report by phoning the DoCS Helpline on 132 111 (TTY 02 9633 7698) for the cost of a local call, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."

 

[S M i L E]

My older sister and I don't get along. She is beginning to go the same way as my mum, and being a typical 20 year old she think's that everything she does is right. Moving in with her would be a massive mistake. For the moment the only advice they can give me is to get myself off to Uni next year, get set up and then try and get custody of my brothers. I can't go to DOCS because I don't want to lose my mother, I just want her to realise that what she is doing is effecting us.

I moved from NSW to Far North QLD (near cairns) in Nov 2005, so I lost alot of close friends. I have one family friend who has been an amazing support, but he is making a life of his own and I find it hard to get hold of him.

Thank you all so much for your help thought. It's great to know that someone out there really cares

 

[Skeeta]

I can't go to DOCS because I don't want to lose my mother, I just want her to realise that what she is doing is effecting us.

DOCS doesnt always just take children away from their parents. They offer social workers and assess each situation. In fact, i believe they try and keep children with their parents, unless there is physical abuse.

Maybe your Mum needs something like this to understand the gravity of the situation. Parents dont always listen to their kids, but this has more authority.

DOCS took my mother and her brothers and sisters away (for around a month), after monitoring - her mum admitted she had a problem, and went into rehab. By this stage it was too late for her- most of the damage was already done. But it might not be too late for your mother. It'll be hard for a while but there is still a chance for a turnaround.

 

[S M i L E]

It's not so much take her away... it is more that she would never forgive me no matter how much she needed the help

 

[Tulipa]

It's not so much take her away... it is more that she would never forgive me no matter how much she needed the help

You don't know that. When people come out of alcoholism they can become very different people.

There are always risks associated with this kind of thing. You feel guilty when really they're the ones who should be feeling guilty.

You can either do nothing and try to help or you have to take a big risk to try to fix this situation, not just for you or your siblings but also for your mother.

DOCS isn't the most reliable or best agency but it's an option.

 

[Skeeta]

Do you think that if she recovers from Alcoholism, can live a better life, in a safer and happier family - she would not forgive you for caring enough to help her and give her the life she deserves?

It IS a big risk - she will probably make you feel guilty to begin with, but its going to CHANGE HER LIFE. And yours.

Think about that.

 

[faintygirl83]

Do you think that if she recovers from Alcoholism, can live a better life, in a safer and happier family - she would not forgive you for caring enough to help her and give her the life she deserves?

It IS a big risk - she will probably make you feel guilty to begin with, but its going to CHANGE HER LIFE. And yours.

Think about that.

Good points Skeeta.

I hope that S M i L E can help her brothers too - they are younger and basically would have no power in this situation (technically you and your sister are adults and could possibly move away from home). It must be difficult for all of you though

 

[john31459]

S M i L E - PM me if you ever want to talk, I've been in a pretty similar situation.

 

[S M i L E]

she would always hold it against me. I know she would. She is the kind of person who will bring up things i did as a young child even to this day (even though i didn't know what i was doing).