Need someone to readover my essay (1 Viewer)

[neax]

It's a short one page question "Describe Hatshepsuts rise to prominence and the factors that contributed to it."

It's attacked please tell me of any errors/ways I can improve..
I didn't get a chance to give it to my teacher to proof read, so your help will be very appreciated.

 

[kateipie]

my ancient teacher hates that we presume that hatshepsut relied on males to reach her position as pharaoh. its argued that less emphasis should be placed on that as ALL pharaohs (including males) needed a strong base of supporters. Also you haven't commented on Hatshepsuts portrayal of her divine birth at Djeser Djeseru in which she is displayed as the daughter of Amun himself. Being the "daughter of a god" further strengthened her claim to the throne.

 

[neax]

Hrrm, ok, I get the bit about the male influence, I assumed the divine birth scen at djeser-djeseru wouldnt have been needed because I thought it happened before her 'rise to prominence' and therefore was nota contributing factor, I may be wrong, when was that inscription done? and do you have any other comments that will help me?

 

[angelduck]

the birth scene is way important because it was through such "propaganda" that she was able to become pharaoh - becasue she needed to convince the public that her being pharaoh wouldnt upset ma'at and therefore the gods & the egyptians way of life. So she needed to portray herself as the rightful ruler, and this was done by such scenes which clearly portary her as the rightful heir

 

[neax]

Thankyou thankyou! i think i'll tone down the part on the importance of a strong male suppor base and ad some info on what you've said

 

[suger_plum]

pretty good, check ur english

 

[Demandred]

Put in more primary sources in the first half, may be 1 or 2 per paragraph. Refer to the tombs of her support base and refer to her buildings.

 

[xeuyrawp]

It's a short one page question "Describe Hatshepsuts rise to prominence and the factors that contributed to it."

It's attacked please tell me of any errors/ways I can improve..
I didn't get a chance to give it to my teacher to proof read, so your help will be very appreciated.

Sorry, this is very late, but. It's a good essay in that you're pretty concise and know what to say. You need to use much more evidence, both primary and secondary. Use at least 3 pieces of evidence in each of your paragraphs (for that particular essay size), but leave the paragraphing and structure alone, it's pretty good

pretty good, check ur english