[Official Critique Thread] (1 Viewer)

[disfcuktional]

hey guys!

thanks for the feedback, t'was a relief to get some!

and yes,

THE MOLECULE WILL BE VANQUISHED! :d

Never you worry!

LoL

any other suggestions will be woshipped! its only like 2 weeks until we have to submit the real thing in so yeh, deconstructing and decomposing are all on the agenda!

Kellie

 

[disfcuktional]

Oh guys btw!

i was wondering which version it is you read, one or two?

there's quite big differences between the two and im still contempalting which one to keep. the first is more simple (but somehow simple feels better) and the second is longer with more complex ideas like immunity, etc.
the second one's got that biology theory and the conflict between friends and the interview sequence. i don't particularly like them for some but yeh. the first one is more to do with the fact that your suppression makes you blind and because of comformity, the individual is deluded into creating her own world one in which the mind mentally (which btw is different fron subconsciously, because the subconscious brings her into that dream with jackson pollock) tricks her to feel and smell and see things which are not there. the second one hmmm, i guess what its trying to say is that because of the conformity you become driven by what seems to be logical reasoning, to do the things you do. its sorda because her mind does not understand what it is she missing and tries to find motives to be able to feel again. and everything in the end is to try to satiate that yearning for feelings again, althogh its done through a sort of odd manner with the whole immunity thing. its sorda hard to explain... i'll just paste in a bit of my report. and as always, everything can be changed.

The key theme behind my major work is that life is just one big verisimilitude and paradoxically, the only things concrete and real are the emotions we feel. And growth is, as in my story, from inexperienced Joey to spiritually aware Josephine, only obtainable through to acknowledgement of these emotions and the embrace of that temperamental human spirit.
Art is the vehicle through which these concepts are driven. The creative response which my protagonist practices acknowledges the value of those sensations of life. The emotions evoke the art and the art portrays the emotion.
When this vehicle to feel is lost, she resorts to other alternatives, to find a reason for to trigger the re-ignition of something she had discarded long ago.
One disguised motive was that of immunity, where her conscious remained blind to her yearnings whilst her subconscious perpetrated, and took her there into the form of her dream encounter

i had version 2 in mind when writing the report so it fits in more with it

this whole immunity thing im not sure i like anymore. its lik trying to say something complex (complex ideas have the poential, as it did for me, to be written in an overwraught manner) but it doesn't sound right

anyways im so sorry for taking up your time all i have essentially wanted to clear up was which version you guys had read and i've babbled on and on...

i'll take up no more of your time!

Kel

 

[AsyLum]

I sense this place will get pretty busy soon

 

[boz-foogle]

I read version one and, like I said, thought it was excellent, but having read that, might go back and read version two.

 

[bitchymcbitch]

edited? any better?

thanks bz.. heres the updated, edited version..
i agree about my cliched,trite theme... however there was a point to it..

i am thinking of replacing thrice lyrics (whats wrong with thrice??) with
ender- by finch..
what do u think?

 

[sickwithlove]

OPINIONS:
[Open the Envelope: moderately inventive but uninteresting. (i mean, come on, how long can you really sustain a story based on fucking cluedo. it's an incredibly flimsy basis with no real significance to anything.)


Thanks for your "opinion". I've changed my story a bit since i posted it here but it's still "based on fucking cluedo". I suppose i should expect to take the good with the bad when it comes to putting a work out for all to read. Everyone has the right to voice their own opinion but when it comes to a forum like this, it would be way more helpful if your comments were a little less abusive and a little more constructive

 

[*Flutterby*]

What good is it going to do to sit there and bag out someones idea for a story wen the whole purpose is for us to come up with something individual. to whomever said her novel is "based on fucking cluedo" and made derogatory marksm they're marks u should keep to yourself. so do so

 

[*Flutterby*]

Her Shattered Dreams

This is my final work. Read and comment if u can be bothered.

 

[:: dreami ::]

OPINIONS:
[Open the Envelope: moderately inventive but uninteresting. (i mean, come on, how long can you really sustain a story based on fucking cluedo. it's an incredibly flimsy basis with no real significance to anything.)


Thanks for your "opinion". I've changed my story a bit since i posted it here but it's still "based on fucking cluedo". I suppose i should expect to take the good with the bad when it comes to putting a work out for all to read. Everyone has the right to voice their own opinion but when it comes to a forum like this, it would be way more helpful if your comments were a little less abusive and a little more constructive

i like ur cluedo idea

have you read the little cluedo books? i used to read them when i was small and LOVED it!

dw... my story "lacked substance" and its use of madam and baby is "b-grade" --- gee thanks

 

[sickwithlove]

thanks guys! i bet that guy hasn't even completed a major work. It must b damn good if he has if he can dish out all these comments!!! he's probly 2 scared to put it up!!

 

[boz-foogle]

What good is it going to do to sit there and bag out someones idea for a story wen the whole purpose is for us to come up with something individual. to whomever said her novel is "based on fucking cluedo" and made derogatory marksm they're marks u should keep to yourself. so do so

...you're an idiot.
critique: an article or essay criticising a literary or other work; a review.
i've criticised a work in a thread specifically designed for me to do so and now you're saying that this was uncalled for. you're a moron.
that's like going into some retirement village and being like "AWW FUCK. COME ON. EVERYONE HERE IS SO BORING. ALL THEY DO IS PLAY BINGO AND WATCH TV."
well spank my ass and call me shirley, if you post something in an "official critique thread" ANYONE WITH AN IOTA OF INTELLIGENCE WOULD EXPECT IT TO BE CRITICISED.
ext. 2 requires you to come up with something original not necessarily individual and i'm sorry to say that cluedo books have already been written, distributed and sold many, many times over.

my story "lacked substance" and its use of madam and baby is "b-grade" --- gee thanks

okay. awesome. now let's juxtapose this to your pm.

THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!

your help is 1000000000000000000% appreciated! :d

your grasp of sarcasm can only be described as masterful, BUT WHICH POST HAS THE SARCASM? COME ON DREAMI, LET ME IN ON THE SECRET! DON'T MAKE ME GO ALL SUPER-SLEUTH ON YOU!!!
btw, percentiles don't usually go over a hundred, but you know, keep reaching for that rainbow. AFTER ALL, THIS IS EXT ENGLISH AND NOT EXT MATHS

as for sickwithlove, the person who's actually had their work criticised, i agree with what you said and my criticism probably wasn't helpful in the slightest, but i did preface what i said with the title opinions and that's all i gave: my personal, biased and highly subjective thoughts. unlike my good friend flutterby, i don't feel the need to stop and say "OMG. I SOOOO HOPE U DON'T TINK I AM A COW, BUT I FOUGHT DAT UR STORI WAS KINDA CRAPPY. SOOO SORRI. PLZ DON'T HATE ME" before i deliver them. if you choose to give a shit that i don't like your story, that's up to you.

 

[gemita]

boz-foogle: yes, a critique is a criticism of a work. But the word criticism doesn't necessarily equate to a negative comment - CRITICISM: an analysis of a work of art or literature
A critique only requires you to analyse, not sledge. You can actually say something encouraging in a critique. Fair enough if you didn't like the work you read, but cutting it down is pointless and petty if you don't have any suggestions as to how to improve it.
If you read the first post in this thread, it makes it pretty clear that it is not intended to be a forum for insult. If you don't have something constructive to say (which, by your own admission, you don't) then don't say anything at all. Actually, if you knew that your criticism "wasn't helpful in the slightest", then why did you post it? It looks to me like you get a kick out of knocking other people and their work. Power trip, anyone?

 

[boz-foogle]

oh come on.
has anyone in this thread given an analysis? more often than not it's just another person saying "OH BOY. THESE ARE ALL BRILLIANT. I AM TA-RA-REMBLING HERE GUYS. THIS IS SOOOO INTIMIDATING."
i'm the only person to have taken the time to read every one of the works submitted so far and given my honest opinions on them. if you go back and actually read everything i've written you'll see that, holy shit, i actually liked a large portion of them.
the hyper-sensitivity in this thread is ridiculous.

 

[:: dreami ::]

oh come on.
has anyone in this thread given an analysis? more often than not it's just another person saying "OH BOY. THESE ARE ALL BRILLIANT. I AM TA-RA-REMBLING HERE GUYS. THIS IS SOOOO INTIMIDATING."
i'm the only person to have taken the time to read every one of the works submitted so far and given my honest opinions on them. if you go back and actually read everything i've written you'll see that, holy shit, i actually liked a large portion of them.
the hyper-sensitivity in this thread is ridiculous.

let me tell you something

if you poured your heart and soul into a piece and braved it enough to post it on a site, hoping to get feedback, when it gets shot down like that it is quite painful. so don't go blabbing on about hypersensitivity unless you've got ur words down on the page and open for everyone to poke... no wait, STAB holes into.

i agree that you are offering an opinion, but you don't have to be so high and mighty about it and you do have to acknowledge that what you say WILL affect other people, not just their works.

and wtf is was that about the sarcasm... that one just flew out the window

 

[boz-foogle]

you can shut up. i was fair and evenhanded on yours.
sickwithlove actually has a right to complain.

 

[:: dreami ::]

you can shut up. i was fair and evenhanded on yours.
sickwithlove actually has a right to complain.

arnt you the funny one hahaha :uhhuh:

 

[Llyrai]

Now now children. Its time to calm down. Lets just take a deep breath....breath in.....breath out.
Frankly, i reckon everyone should be able to say as much crap (true or untrue) about someone elses work if they want. Its the other persons job to gain such a big ego, that all the criticism just bounces off!

 

[disfcuktional]

Yeh I agree

if you post something up you should essentially be able to hack it. Everybody's opinion is their own and quite frankly we should be able to respect that. if somebody goes to the trouble of reading all these stories and is bagged out when they dish out their thoughts... then what's going to make other people want to critique??

bagging out and all is all part of the system, and if real life people are going to have these opinions, what makes you think that the markers (who'll be expecting so much more) wont?

leave them to speak as they like mate. Just hack it!

 

[Llyrai]

My love for kelsi

oh kel, you think too positively of other people. Seriously, i think we'd be like, the best couple. We voice our subjective and irrelevant opinions on everything and get people real annoyed at us cause we actually diverging thr thread from what its suppose to be discussing.

So what do you think? Will you give llyrai a chance?

Oh, and by they way? I think your story is great!

 

[Monkey Butler]

I haven't really been given much feedback to my MW, sO I'm not too sure if it's any good. I like it, but y'know, that's cos I wrote it.

It's not a short story, it's a film script, but the script forum's a ghost town, so I thought I'd post it here.

And ignore the shit formatting - I'm using a script-writing program to write it out, so I've had to copy this into a word document to post it here.

I'd actually like some negative feedback (you listening boz-foogle) so I know what to change