Please give me criticisms Section2 (1 Viewer)

Haku

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I know there is 18days to go. But any criticisms and long comments are appreciated.

I once wondered how far I could ride with out looking back. It was my country rural childhood. I did not know what I was trying to prove back then, on my blue bike I rode. It was maybe through an inner compulsion that kept me going, but some how I would always stop short and turn back. Maybe if I didn’t, I snicker to myself almost bitterly now, I would have circled the globe.

My father was a kind, smiling and sincere man with frail age-sodden hands. He was frail but would always smile at me with soft blue eyes which embrace me with warmth and joy. Misfortune hit with almost cruel swiftness. On his last night in that sterile hospital cubicle which had come to instill so much sadness and sorrow in my young naïve mind. He gripped my hands with never displayed strength, and said with a stern voice before my tearful face, “Look after your mother”.

With out dreams or other directions in life, I took on this mission. Yet I always knew the inevitable would happen. The stranger my mother introduced to me was completely opposite to my dad. He was loud and energetic, but he would smile kindly at my mother and me. But I was never comfortable near him. Thus my only mission and direction was taken away with out resistance or fight.

Time trickled by with almost agonizingly speed, like the migrating birds I observed from the window of the dorm year after year. Year after year, I wonder to myself - where is that world they are flying towards? Why they choose to take on this arduous journey. Somewhere in my mind I knew the answer, they have their own world to go to. I would then wonder about my own life. Though I have finished University, consecutive failed job interviews tore what is left of me to shreds. It was my inner self I was never able to place, a world that solely belonged to me.

Once more I was on my bike, with no directions I rode. Through grass lands and black mess, riding towards the orb hanging in the sky, or sometimes the bright orb press on behind me like a warm hand pushing me, keeping me on the path. I think they call this kind of journeys soul-searching trip, a trip with no purpose or intent.

I learned many things. You find your self always hungry on a journey, and if not eating at least 5 times a day I wouldn’t get the energy to ride. Though we live in a vast bountiful world with immense beautiful space and comfort, I could not fathom why people cannot sleep peacefully unless it is next to an unyielding concrete block or a weathered tree. Without looking back I rode across landscapes, azure oceans and mountains.

Riding through an underground tunnel, I never knew trucks drove so close in the tunnels. I screamed and screamed. Among those pathetic screams I came to understood that I have always being afraid. I was afraid because I couldn’t see the future. I was afraid because I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I was afraid of my self who didn’t know what he wanted to do. And days just kept on flowing. If I keep going down this unilluminated path will I be able to see it? In the distance a life giving beam of light shined through the mouth of the tunnel.

“Maybe someday even I can see it.”



any comment is appreciated. thanks.

it is 588 (now) words, is it still too short?
 
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it's been written really well, in creative especially quality over quantity, that'd be in the A range for sure
 

Haku

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hehe thanks, but i want critisisms(how do u spell it?). any other opinion would be welcome
 

Haku

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lol...umm i don't get ur meaning. please elaborate on how i should improve
 

Haku

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does subtle means the journey conveyed is not obvious? or is it like too obvious?
 

speed2

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nonsadness said:
it is 550 words, is it too short?
my teacher said that it should be round 2 pages typed up, urs is only 1. so yeah it is too short. but the story is pretty good!
 

Dreamerish*~

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It's not long enough.

I ran out of time during my trials and wrote only one and a half pages. It was probably as long as yours, and my teacher told me that to get in the top range, I'd have to write twice as much.

A few small things:
nosadness said:
Without is one word.
nosadness said:
And year after year I wonder to myself where is that world that they are flying toward and why they choose to take on this arduous journey.
Try to avoid beginning a sentence with "and", and that sentence sounds a little awkward. I think it lacks punctuation.

Maybe "Year after year, I wondered to myself - where is that world they're flying towards? Why do they choose to take on this arduous journey?"
nosadness said:
Sounds a bit too sloppy. Use university.
nosadness said:
consecutive failed job interviews again and again
Tautology. "Consecutive" imples "again and again". Omit "again and again".
nosadness said:
Without looking back I rode across landscapes, azure oceans and mountains I bypass.
The "I bypass" is unnecessary.
nosadness said:
I never knew drove so close in the tunnels
I'm not sure what you're trying to say.
nosadness said:
I have always being afraid
"I have always been afraid".

Sorry for picking on you, a sophisticated idea written with careless grammar is a terrible shame. :p

Have a teacher read through it and make some corrections, I didn't want to pick on everything. As for your idea, it's a little subtle in the journeys area. I can't really say much about that because I'm still contemplating my own creative piece.

EDIT: subtle means not obvious enough.
 

speed2

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Dreamerish*~ said:
It's not long enough.

I ran out of time during my trials and wrote only one and a half pages. It was probably as long as yours, and my teacher told me that to get in the top range, I'd have to write twice as much.
....
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....
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Have a teacher read through it and make some corrections, I didn't want to pick on everything. As for your idea, it's a little subtle in the journeys area. I can't really say much about that because I'm still contemplating my own creative piece.

EDIT: subtle means not obvious enough.
you should become an english teacher, you'd be better than my teacher!
 

serge

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subtlety is a good quality in creatives, it makes it more insightful
and more mature than most responses that the BOS get

one criticism, the father description sounds a bit like the poem Feliks Skryznecki,
but apart from that i think its very original and Band 6 material if you write a
more detailed version.
 

Dreamerish*~

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speed2 said:
you should become an english teacher, you'd be better than my teacher!
LOL, your teacher must be really, really, really bad. :p
 

Haku

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lol...since there is not more school until the HSC its kinda hard to get hold of a teacher, so i will take the next best thing. What ever that comes along.

Dreamo is ur creative piece typed up?
 

Dreamerish*~

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nosadness said:
lol...since there is not more school until the HSC its kinda hard to get hold of a teacher, so i will take the next best thing. What ever that comes along.

Dreamo is ur creative piece typed up?
Nup. It's not typed, not written. I just have a hollow idea in my head.
 

Haku

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hm...u talking about A4 paper or those booklets

cause i think 1 page typed is around 4 pages of those booklets.

thanks dreamo for pointing out my grammer and punc mistakes and for taking time read the story. Real appreciated.

do people find that adding a o after peoples name make them sould ozzy and cool?

like dreamo, tomo, gono(from goneril in KL) rego(fron regan in KL)....


PS: whats a cool descriptive word for mountains?.
 
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nwatts

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Pretty good. I need a question to give it a mark, but I think it'd be somewhere between 12-13.

The thing holding you back from 14-15 is not length, but control. There are many occasions where your control over what you're saying lapses. For a marker, they're painfully obvious. A sentence like "Though I have finished Uni, consecutive failed job interviews again and again torn what is left of me to shreds." is not grammatically correct, and because of your soft writing style, is made very obvious. "Torn" needs to be "tore" or "have torn" - and so on (as Dreamerish pointed out). There are occasions where you mix up tenses, other occasions where you've made grammatical errors.

If you rewrote this piece, perhaps leaving a few lines out, and fixing up the poorly worded phrases, you'd be looking at a 14. You make good, perceptive comments on the journey - which is first and foremost what markers want to see.
 
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Haku

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hey~ thanks alot for the comment.

i re- read many times and changed what Dreamo and nwatts have told me to, i edited the first post. please give me back more comments.

nwatts whats a full mark creative look like? is there still instances that i mixed up tense or grammar, cause i am kinda bad at those so please if possible point it out.

thanks heaps
 

nwatts

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I have a full mark creative piece that I wrote in my trials (and then typed up). If you gave me an email, I'd be happy to give it to you.
 

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