please mark my sor1 HSC response!!! (1 Viewer)

[tianarocc]

i've got an assessment coming up and it would be much appreciated if I got some feedback, it is marked out of 5 and relates to the following stimulus
"all things in the landscape were left by the creation ancestors. they left ceremonies, rules to live by, laws, plants, animals and people, then they turned into djang (dreaming places). they taught aboriginal people how to live with the land. from then on aboriginal people became keepers of their country."
and it is also related to: discuss how aboriginal spirituality is determined by kinship, ceremonial life and obligations to land and people







The dreaming is a complex concept which is vital to aboriginal culture and spirituality as it regards the creation of the world, it is related to every aspect of their lives.
Kinship is fundamental to spirituality as it is a system of relationships within a tribe and the rights and obligations it involves. It provides them with a sense of identity and purpose to life. An example of a responsibility includes making sure the land/people are looked after for future generations, these are provided by creation ancestors “rules to live by and laws”. Kinship provides a framework or aboriginal spirituality.
Ceremonial life has a firm place in the dreaming as their lives are dedicated to it; ceremonies ensure that fundamental components of the law stay intact when people come together to care and keep the dreaming alive. Creation ancestors “left ceremonies” such as balance rights where members try to sustain resources, pass on beliefs and keep in contact with the land for future generations. Ceremonial life plays a significant role in aboriginal spirituality.
Obligations to the land and people hold sacred importance to all aboriginals and the dreaming. It is vital that the land is looked after as ancestral spirits “taught Aboriginal people how to live with the land” which provides people with an identity and purpose. An example includes the artwork of the Tiwi people connects them with their ancestral spirits. Obligations to land and people are vital to aboriginal spirituality.
Overall the dreaming has an inextricable connection with aboriginal spirituality as without the dreaming, nothing would exist.

 

[fatassmcfat]

I think you need to relate them to each other more strongly, like keep the 3 mini paragraphs for each topic but have a common focus/example in each of them e.g. obligation to the land and people involves taking care of it for example through balance/increase ceremonies which increase harvest and thus caters to the health of land in people, ceremonial life involves performing duties laid down by ancestors e.g. balance increase (relate back to how it also fulfill land and people), kinship laws also involve duties which also serve to benefit and fulfill obligations to land and people e.g. elders mostly will perform important ceremonies. I Mean try to make it more connected VS completely block paragraphs

The main focus of your question is 'they taught aboriginal people how to live with the land. from then on aboriginal people became keepers of their country'- so maybe focus on how it is sacred duty, how the knowledge passed down generation by generation because of importance, how there is this circular 'inextricable' connection between the physical world (land, people, relationships) and the spiritual (Dreaming, ancestors etc)- which is why you should make it less blocky paragraphs and more connected. Also if you have a word limit and thats why you cant fit in more info, cut out the last sentence of each paragraph as they are a bit useless (you dont need to write 'essay' style repeating the thesis for a short answer qs) HOPE TAT HEL