Poem? (1 Viewer)

[mr_brightside]

needs more reference to ducks.

 

[shimmy&shine]

*quack*

 

[RiCkiE]

what you need to try to do is less of telling a story per say and using more metaphor, descriptive language.

work on your punctuation and your line breaks. you're using line breaks where you could be using punctuation.

"As I look around,
the rain drizzles from the taps above,
and the mist rises that covers a feet above the ground."

that stanza is not really poetic, more a sentence that you've broken up. Also the last line is worded poorly, not really making much sense.

it's okay, but you've used quite basic language, try to find deeper meanings and use more emotive language to express yourself.

That's good advice. And you probably don't want to use many scientific terms like point of inflection because that ruins the tone; unless you're aiming for a scien-cy tone, but you're not in that poem right?

 

[shimmy&shine]

The flat, forlorn emptiness
rebuffs it's own mist, shrouding itself
from the
cold, callous crying of the clouds

bit over wordy, but nice.

aaahhh rickie, where on earth did the sciency aspect come from?