proposal feedback (1 Viewer)

[sammeh]

howdy ppl. just finished off the final draft of my proposal, but i'd like a little feedback b4 i hand it in, just in case i've missed something blatantly obvious and easily fixed.

the requirements for my proposal task:
- 600 word limit (i went a little bit over...oh well)
- outline of central idea for major work
- discussion of form major work will take including intended medium
- direction independent research will take
- proposed timeline for investigation/composition

cheers;

sam.

 

[glycerine]

However, to do this I intend to create a text within the genre that also subverts the genre

this is a bit... wordy? maybe change to something like "i intend to subvert the confines of genre, whilst still working within it"

cBesides, it will be more fun

take that out, although you don't need to be overly formal for this task, that's a bit too colloquial, and you don't need it

In terms of the way this idea relates to the topic areas in either the 2 unit Advanced or Extension 1 English courses, the core focus of the speculative fiction genre is the journey of the hero archetype. Considering that the topic area in 2 unit Advanced English is Journeys, this has obvious relevance.

take out "in terms..." up to "courses", andmake the sentence start from "the core.."
then change the second sentence to "this relates to our current area of study in advanced english, the journey..."... then say why it relates


other than that the sentence structure etc is fine i think

 

[glycerine]

also, discuss your intended audience, why they're your intended audience, etc etc

 

[sammeh]

take out "in terms..." up to "courses", andmake the sentence start from "the core.."

ah thanks i'd been trying to think of a way to avoid that rather clumsy sentence, but total mind blank. and then my computer died, which didnt help :/

this is a bit... wordy? maybe change to something like "i intend to subvert the confines of genre, whilst still working within it"

how about "To do this, I intend to create a text which subverts the genre whilst remaining true to the archetypical and stereotypical conventions of the genre" - still wordy but again less clumsy. my formal language skills are my biggest weakness, my style gets extremely dense at times, which results in bad syntax and poorly structured sentences.

 

[meisme]

Tell me what you guys think.....