• Want to help us with this year's BoS Trials?
    Let us know before 30 June. See this thread for details
  • Looking for HSC notes and resources?
    Check out our Notes & Resources page

Rate my little creative writing (1 Viewer)

Aznpsycho

Supplies!
Joined
Apr 7, 2005
Messages
225
Gender
Undisclosed
HSC
N/A
OK, it's meant to be imaginative. That would be obvious from 'imagination' being repeated several times.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Disambiguation

Something tapped as I wriggled my left forefinger. Good, that meant I was conscious. Of what, is the question.

I try opening my eyes. That doesn’t work particularly well; my eyelids are most likely gummed together. It takes only a few seconds before I realise that my eyes are open, it’s only a simple case of having nothing to see. Pitch dark, blacker than the most unholy stygian midnight if one wishes to be poetic. I try to discern which way is down, and it turns out to be underneath my right shoulder. Good, I roll onto my back. Inventory check: Right leg – check. Left leg – check. Right arm – not there! I realise it is twisted awkwardly

While untangling my body, I wonder, where am I? The eternal question ever since man had drank and debauched. The surface I am on is hard and smooth. I stagger upright, random nerves firing off and causing me to jitter uncontrollably. I try to survey my surroundings, fail, and simply shiver through nerves.

What happened anyway? Minute threads of memory trickle back. There was a motorbike. There was a speedometer reading 80. There was a combination of pothole, wall, and a lack of helmet. Unhealthy in every sense.

Suddenly, light floods my universe with an inaudible click. A complete contrast to the dark – the whiteness stretches for infinity. No landmarks, just the smooth unyieldingness beneath my shoes.

“Welcome to the afterlife, Mr Stevens.”

I whirl around, almost falling from my numbed reflexes. Actually, I do fall anyway, smack bang onto my rump. My gaze drifts upwards, past a pair of shiny black leather shoes, to the face of a young man who addresses me. Handsome with high cheekbones, smiling, immaculately dressed. If not for the jet black suit with a rose lapel pin, he would be the perfect PR representative.

“Where the hell am I? And who are you? You just popped out of nowhere...”

It took a while, but my brain caught up with my mouth and stopped me. I staggered up again. Mr Undertaker Suit spake:

“I am an anthropomorphic representation, created through a combination of your ego and superego, with insight on several other planes of existence. In English, I am a figment of your imagination, as well as a guide of sorts.”

“Ah.” In some other parallel universe, I currently lie dead with brain fluid leaking from my skull. “So this is the famed afterlife.”

“Of sorts. You are more or less a combination of particles still held together by some odd quirk of entropy. It gets complicated. Basically, your memories and personality has moved onto some higher plane of existence, where physical matter no longer exists, everything you currently see,” the man waves his dainty hand around, “exists within your consciousness.”

“So, fill me in here. I am now dead, and now exist in some twilight zonish realm where the only constant is the imagination. Yes?”

“I see you’ve been reading your derivative fantasy fiction, Mr Stevens. You are very correct. If you were to check, you would see that your beer gut is gone and you are extremely well endowed.”

I didn’t bother checking, instead, I continued the interrogation: “You called this the afterlife. What about heaven and hell and so on?”

“As you’ve said yourself, you are in a realm where the only constant is the imagination. So nope, no heaven or hell. No Lovecraftian nether-beings either, unless you insist.”

“Wait, wait. So there’s no heaven or hell. What about the people who do good or bad things? I mean, if some nut blows himself up with several dozen other people in the name of God, and wouldn’t he go off to some milk and honey filled paradise?”

“Not fair eh? Somewhere out there, the eschatology didn’t go right. Build your own world here”.

“But that’s not the same! They were real people back there!”

“So make those your people real too. They wouldn’t know the difference. Be your own god.”

“Wait a second. Wouldn’t that just mean that everybody I’ve met before I die could just as well be a figment of my imagination?”

“No. That’s just solipsism, and is the epitome of self-centredness.”

“But what does that all mean? What the hell is the point of this if everything around me”, I swing my arms to emphasise, “if I know it’s not real?”

“You can’t know what reality is. Even back in your ‘physical world’, everything you perceive is inside your mind. Be happy that consciousness isn’t locked up in your brain cells, that there is a soul. That there’s something besides the nihilistic entropy of death.”

I could find no words to say. There must be some kind of meaning within the world outside of the meaningless dream this man offers me. Before long, it dawned.

“If I dream a world, and make those within it conscious, would this weird state occur to them as well? Would the place I call the universe be just another dream by some other entity?”

“I can see that you no long need me, Mr Stevens. That is impressive, already you understand the implications of this world.” The young man turned on his shiny heels, and walked away. As a last word: “I can only hope that you make the right judgements.”

He walked off into the distance. It took a long time for him to disappear. I did not follow.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thoughts? Comments? I'm thinking of reducing the stupid witty bits at the start, and trying not to change the tone of the story half way through. I welcome all constructive criticism.

Edit for latest version.
 
Last edited:

kilastria

New Member
Joined
Aug 4, 2005
Messages
5
Gender
Female
HSC
2005
Great Story!

Hey.
Great idea- the story started off really well, I love the wit and conscious thought. Although I found myself getting bored towards the middle/end- there is just converse and no description of facial expressions or interaction between the characters. The wonderful imagery seems to fade.

Excellent idea though, i love it. Im gonna post my story when i get around to it- i wrote one about a sock.lol.
 

Shell

Boo Hoo
Joined
Nov 14, 2004
Messages
2,158
Location
Camden
Gender
Female
HSC
2005
yeah that was pretty good. I thought the guide dude was going to show him around to all his loved ones to show that his life really was apprieciated. But it was still good!! :):)
 

Sepulchres

t3h sultan
Joined
Nov 10, 2004
Messages
459
Gender
Male
HSC
2005
Yea like the others said, the start was really good. You set the scene awesomely. I think the ending needs a bit of work? Good though, language and all.
 

Crazi-G

New Member
Joined
Jul 21, 2005
Messages
2
Gender
Male
HSC
2005
in my opinion; this is an excellent short story. strong intro, but i agree with kilastria.. an awareness of the surroundings would have been nice^^ BUT! all in all.. still an excellent piece.. makes me want to write something again hehe =P

Aznpsycho said:
“Ah.” In some other parallel universe, I currently lie dead with brain fluid leaking from my skull. “So this is the famed afterlife.”
i especially liked that part hehe =P don't know why though.. 0o" *faces a dark corner and gives of a slightly audible evil laugh* hehe =P
 

Zali

Member
Joined
Nov 22, 2004
Messages
150
Location
Coffs
Gender
Female
HSC
2005
I agree ^^ u need the dialogue and also a bit more discription at the end. How many hand written pages is it? I think youd have time to add in some more description at the end without cutting much out. Maybe the motorbike accident is a little cliche so maybe he could hurt himself some other way i dunno it just doesnt seem to suit the rest of the story which is really creative. Pretty good though band 6.
 

Dreamerish*~

Love Addict - Nakashima
Joined
Jan 16, 2005
Messages
3,705
Gender
Female
HSC
2005
Argonaut said:
Er, dialogue is one of the main ways to advance the plot. Plus, using it in an exam shows that you can use language techniques. Creative writing cannot be considered good creative writing without dialogue.
Contrarily, the absence of dialogue instils a sense of reminisce and detachment. It makes the reader pay more attention in order to differentiate between spoken words and thoughts, therefore taking notice of more detail.

I didn't learn that from English though. That's from German.
 

Zali

Member
Joined
Nov 22, 2004
Messages
150
Location
Coffs
Gender
Female
HSC
2005
we lost marks if we didn't use any dialogue in our story
 

RtX

New Member
Joined
Sep 4, 2005
Messages
9
Gender
Male
HSC
2007
Great story, although like others have mentioned it would be better should you include facial expressions and a greater idea of the surroundings.

Very good plot to begin with, and good choice of words.

10/10
 

naomcara

New Member
Joined
Mar 1, 2005
Messages
6
Gender
Female
HSC
2004
Yeah, dialogue is good but there is quite a lot of it. My teacher doesn't like us using dialogue, and if I were to use that much I would get marked down. Try to find the happy medium because you never do know who is going to mark it. Either way - I think the story is great.
 
Last edited:

anti

aww.. baby raccoon ^^
Joined
Jul 28, 2002
Messages
2,900
Location
Hurstville
Gender
Undisclosed
HSC
2002
I like it! :) I love creative writing. It seems quite matrix-y which holds well with the topic.

I have a few comments.

Watch your tense - sometimes you almost fall into present tense and it's a little bit jarring. This sort of piece works fine in either, but make sure you stick to one (proofread again!)

Inventory check: Right leg – check. Left leg – check. Right arm – not there! I realise it is twisted awkwardly
Finish this sentence? :)

inaudible click
Is a bit paradoxial. Perhaps you meant an audible one?


If not for the jet black suit with a rose lapel pin, he would be the perfect PR representative.
Another paradox. Great description, but when you proofread make sure that it makes sense!

It took a while, but my brain caught up with my mouth and stopped me. I staggered up again. Mr Undertaker Suit spake:
I'm not a fan of using words like 'spake' (which are not in the general 21st century vernacular) unless it's in context (eg. he's Elizabethan). Stick to 'spoke'.

“If I dream a world, and make those within it conscious, would this weird state occur to them as well? Would the place I call the universe be just another dream by some other entity?”
I think you need to clarify just a tiny bit more. This is the catalyst! This is the explanation! This is .. only two sentences.

It's great - if short - how long would that be, handwritten?
 

waterbottle

your buttcheeks is warm
Joined
Apr 27, 2005
Messages
345
Location
sleeping on my belly
Gender
Female
HSC
2005
Argonaut said:
Creative writing cannot be considered good creative writing without dialogue.
that's a pretty silly thing to say. yes, sometimes dialogue does help advance a story. but it isn't an ESSENTIAL element in good creative writing. don't make such sweeping statements.
 

Users Who Are Viewing This Thread (Users: 0, Guests: 1)

Top