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Rate my year 10 essay. (1 Viewer)

Accurate

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Hello everyone, I'd like anyone to judge my essay for English, any criticism is appreciated.


Essay Question :

"Critically analyse how presenting ideas from the perspective of teenagers influences the audience’s understanding of texts. In your response, make a detailed reference to Jasper Jones by Craig Silvey and Dead Poets Society by Peter Weir.”

The Essay :


The perspective of teenagers in texts influence the audience’s understanding, this is because they are observing it from an additional viewpoint. It’s a common notion that teenagers act and behave differently from every other age group in society, viewing texts in a teenager’s perspective provide us with further analysis. In Craig Silvey’s novel Jasper Jones, Jasper accuses Mad Jack Lionel as the one responsible for Laura’s death; through a story of fear and confusion it is found that Mad Jack Lionel is Jasper’s grandfather, and Jasper’s perspective to the situation changes. In Peter Weir’s film Dead Poets Society the perspective of Neil Perry’s dad is for him to be enrolled in military academy and be send to Harvard to study medicine, Neil’s perspective however is under the influence of his teacher Mr Keating whom influenced Neil for his ambition to become an actor. With the different mindset and actions that teenagers perform, the audience is further informed by their perspectives.
In Peter Weir’s film Dead Poets Society Neil’s ambition is to become an actor due to the influence from his English teacher, Mr Keating. Neil’s father disagrees with the idea that his career is to be actor based, he would like him to go to Harvard and study Medicine, this forces Neil to be obedient as he is scared to rebel against his father. In the series of quick transitional cuts where Neil and his father are arguing about his future, the series of cuts gives an effect to how Neil was quickly silenced. Unable to rebel against his father, and unable to seek his own identity, Neil feels that he is trapped and cannot determine his own future, his isolation causes him to take his own life. Shortly after Neil’s death, the boys are told to sign a piece of paper attesting to the truth of Cameron's allegations, a close up shot of Todd is shown, which shows him feeling pressured to sign the paper. The effects of the close up shows that he is sweating, feels uneasy and uncomfortable, his perspective is that if he signs the paper then there will be consequences regarding Mr Keating. The audience is further informed about the perspective of the teenagers regarding Mr Keating, it is quite evident that Todd fears that he will get Mr Keating into trouble by signing the paper and how Mr Keating has caused Neil to seek his own identity.

The idea of scapegoating is also used in Peter Weir’s film Dead Poets Society, Mr Keating a central figure in the movie has been accused of Neil Perry’s death. Mr Keating’s use of unorthodox methods of teaching causes Neil to further seek his ambition into acting, which in the end causes many students to use him as a scapegoat to get out of trouble. In a point of view shot where Mr Keating stands on a table and commands everyone to think freely while observing the classroom, Neil feels inspired about creating his identity and pursuing his dreams. The effect of seeing the classroom from a high platform makes you want to think more freely which Neil did to pursue his dream of acting. Cameron from a close-up shot after being punched, warns the students that the only way to protect yourself from the situation of Neil’s death is to use Mr Keating as a scapegoat. The close up shot informs the audience about the seriousness in the face of Cameron and his perspective on how to deal with Neil’s death, it is clear that his face is quite worried and that the only way he can overcome his fear is to use Mr Keating as a scapegoat. Neil’s death can be traced back to Mr Keating however it was not directly him, this causes Cameron to use him as a perfect scapegoat so he can find his way out of trouble.
In the book Jasper Jones by Craig Silvey, Jasper believes that he is treated unfairly, as he is quite often used as a scapegoat and only praised for his athletic talents. The impact that this has on Jasper causes him to be in confusion, fear and have a different approach to certain things. Through the dialogue of “You want me to go to prison for nothing just so the Wisharts can say goodbye properly?” Jasper explains to Charlie that people will blame him for the crime, when he knew nothing about what happened. By observing what Jasper saw, his instinct was to get rid of the body, however through the instance of dialogue, the audience is further informed that he gets rid of it in fear that he will act as a scapegoat. In Charlie’s narration “I feel stupid and petty for ever having complained about anything…while Jasper Jones shoulders his burden alone”, Charlie feels sympathetic towards the burden of Jasper. Charlie has deep remorse for his friend Jasper, he feels that he has nothing to complain about because of the situation Jasper is in, the narration helps to build a stronger belief in the audience that Jasper is truly in a tough situation in life. By dialogues and narrations about the events in Jasper’s life, such as the use of scapegoating and Charlie’s thoughts about Jasper’s life, the audience is further informed about Jasper’s perspective.

Viewing ideas from the audience’s understanding of texts is further improved by the additional perspectives of the teenagers. As teenagers act differently to the society around them it is useful to see an additional viewpoint from such people. In Jasper Jones by Craig Silvey it is shown that Jasper is used as a scapegoat by his people in Corrigan. Similarly in Dead Poets Society a film by Peter Weir, it is shown that Neil attempts to rebel against his father because he would like to pursue his dreams of becoming an actor and how failing to do so, he takes his own life, with that scenario, the teenagers must use Mr Keating as a scapegoat. The various ideas presented in the texts and the additional viewpoint from the teenagers, the audience’s understanding of texts is further improved.
 

Accurate

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P.S im very bad in English, i come last every assignment/exam, and it's about time I'd like to change this, does ANYONE have any tips?
 
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misssunshine

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Hey, i've just skimmed through it and some things i have picked up:
- Some commas need to be replaced with full stops
-concluding sentence in your third para- Add "Thus" so that it becomes a well-rounded concluding sentence.
- Generally, your essay appears to focus on the synopsis of the book and poem, rather than a technical analysis. Remember the PETAL structure of a body paragraph (emphasis on technique and analysis/effect!).
- Remember to link back to the question!
-Consider adding a general comment on texts and perspectives in the introduction first so that i kind of paves a "path" for your essay, rather than immediately answering the question.
For example, here's part of my introduction for one of the essays i've written in the past:


Q: Henry James the turn of the screw and Alejandro’s film the Others (2001) employ a range of prose fiction and film techniques to elucidate gothic themes. Discuss.

The Victorian era stipulated various moral expectations which dominated everyday life. One of these values posited that external impressions mirrored one’s ethics. Yet, such ideology did not remain unquestioned, as reflected by gothic oeuvres. Both the novella The Turn of the Screw by Henry James (1907), and Alejandro Amenabar’s supernatural thriller The Others (2001), explore the relationship between appearance versus reality to elucidate gothic themes.


  • Notice how my introduction commenced with some context, then introduced the two texts and the notions they explore.
- You've pointed out some great techniques like close up shots, but you could expand on the dialogue aspect. Consider: The speaker's use of tone, truncated sentences, etc and explain the effect they have.
- Conclusion: add "in conclusion" or "overall" etc for structure
- I've noticed that some phrases/words are repeated quite often so here are some ideas:

  • Similarly in Dead Poets Society, Weir conveys scapegoating through the scenario of Neil's suicide...
  • "................... .Both the novel Jasper Jones(2009) by Craig Silvey’s and Peter Weir's film Dead Poets Society explore the underlying notion of scapegoating. Silvey establishes a story of fear and confusion to........, Similarly, Weir employs an amalgamation of techniques to elucidate......."
  • Through a combination of various ideas which are put to the fore and the viewpoints from the techniques, the audience’s understanding of .......... is enhanced and hence the texts serve a didactic purpose.
  • Some useful words: Highlights, accentuates the notion, portrays, depicts, conveys, illustrates, articulates, posits, furthermore, additionally, moreover, ultimately, in conclusion, therefore, thus, hence, analogously, similarly, demonstrates, suggests, consequently, argues that, discusses, states.

    Overall, great effort! You seem to have a profound understanding of the two texts. Don't forget to revise paragraph structure, check punctuation and replace repetitive words/phrases wth synonyms/express it in a different way to further improve the fluidity of your essay. I really hope my feedback helps! If you have any questions, feel free to ask!!Good job!:);):D*thumbs up emoji (i can't find it!)*
 
Last edited:

Accurate

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Hey, i've just skimmed through it and some things i have picked up:
- Some commas need to be replaced with full stops
-concluding sentence in your third para- Add "Thus" so that it becomes a well-rounded concluding sentence.
- Generally, your essay appears to focus on the synopsis of the book and poem, rather than a technical analysis. Remember the PETAL structure of a body paragraph (emphasis on technique and analysis/effect!).
- Remember to link back to the question!
-Consider adding a general comment on texts and perspectives in the introduction first so that i kind of paves a "path" for your essay, rather than immediately answering the question.
For example, here's part of my introduction for one of the essays i've written in the past:


Q: Henry James the turn of the screw and Alejandro’s film the Others (2001) employ a range of prose fiction and film techniques to elucidate gothic themes. Discuss.

The Victorian era stipulated various moral expectations which dominated everyday life. One of these values posited that external impressions mirrored one’s ethics. Yet, such ideology did not remain unquestioned, as reflected by gothic oeuvres. Both the novella The Turn of the Screw by Henry James (1907), and Alejandro Amenabar’s supernatural thriller The Others (2001), explore the relationship between appearance versus reality to elucidate gothic themes.


  • Notice how my introduction commenced with some context, then introduced the two texts and the notions they explore.
- You've pointed out some great techniques like close up shots, but you could expand on the dialogue aspect. Consider: The speaker's use of tone, truncated sentences, etc and explain the effect they have.
- Conclusion: add "in conclusion" or "overall" etc for structure
- I've noticed that some phrases/words are repeated quite often so here are some ideas:

  • Similarly in Dead Poets Society, Weir conveys scapegoating through the scenario of Neil's suicide...
  • "................... .Both the novel Jasper Jones(2009) by Craig Silvey’s and Peter Weir's film Dead Poets Society explore the underlying notion of scapegoating. Silvey establishes a story of fear and confusion to........, Similarly, Weir employs an amalgamation of techniques to elucidate......."
  • Through a combination of various ideas which are put to the fore and the viewpoints from the techniques, the audience’s understanding of .......... is enhanced and hence the texts serve a didactic purpose.
  • Some useful words: Highlights, accentuates the notion, portrays, depicts, conveys, illustrates, articulates, posits, furthermore, additionally, moreover, ultimately, in conclusion, therefore, thus, hence, analogously, similarly, demonstrates, suggests, consequently, argues that, discusses, states.

    Overall, great effort! You seem to have a profound understanding of the two texts. Don't forget to revise paragraph structure, check punctuation and replace repetitive words/phrases wth synonyms/express it in a different way to further improve the fluidity of your essay. I really hope my feedback helps! If you have any questions, feel free to ask!!Good job!:);):D*thumbs up emoji (i can't find it!)*

THANK YOU SO MUCH. Helped a lot :D:D:D:D:D:D:D
 

Kangaaroo

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I'd also suggest maybe developing a more sophisticated or analytical thesis. When writing an essay you've got to let the marker know that you have developed some kind of personal opinion that you can back up with evidence - this tells the marker you have an in-depth understanding of the ideas and texts you've learnt about. Remember that essay questions don't call for "yes" or "no" answers, they're deliberately vague and open-ended so you can be creative with how you approach answering them. Don't forget that essays are actually a form of persuasive writing just with an academic tone.

You've laid the foundations for a solid thesis, which is great, but if you can find a way to add some more complexity that'll help push up your mark. So for example, you could say something like...

"By presenting a text from a teenager's perspective, composers exploit the rebellion and cynicism synonymous with adolescence to illuminate the true nature of the world around them".

Now, I haven't studied the texts you talked about in your essay so take this example with a grain of salt, but see how I gave a relatively succinct answer without recycling the same words from the question? If you can try and do the same with your own thesis that could help push up the quality of your essay. The challenge comes when you have to use your body and your evidence to back up what you've said in your thesis.

Also, if you're talking about more than one text try and give them equal treatment (ie devote about the same amount of the essay to talking about both texts).

Hope that helps!
 

Accurate

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I'd also suggest maybe developing a more sophisticated or analytical thesis. When writing an essay you've got to let the marker know that you have developed some kind of personal opinion that you can back up with evidence - this tells the marker you have an in-depth understanding of the ideas and texts you've learnt about. Remember that essay questions don't call for "yes" or "no" answers, they're deliberately vague and open-ended so you can be creative with how you approach answering them. Don't forget that essays are actually a form of persuasive writing just with an academic tone.

You've laid the foundations for a solid thesis, which is great, but if you can find a way to add some more complexity that'll help push up your mark. So for example, you could say something like...

"By presenting a text from a teenager's perspective, composers exploit the rebellion and cynicism synonymous with adolescence to illuminate the true nature of the world around them".

Now, I haven't studied the texts you talked about in your essay so take this example with a grain of salt, but see how I gave a relatively succinct answer without recycling the same words from the question? If you can try and do the same with your own thesis that could help push up the quality of your essay. The challenge comes when you have to use your body and your evidence to back up what you've said in your thesis.

Also, if you're talking about more than one text try and give them equal treatment (ie devote about the same amount of the essay to talking about both texts).

Hope that helps!
thank you so much for the feedback! How would you say is a good way to get better at english in general?
 

Kangaaroo

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thank you so much for the feedback! How would you say is a good way to get better at english in general?
Well they say that the best way to get better at writing is just to practise it. Write practise responses, reflections, short-stories etc. and hand them in to your teacher for marking. It's also helpful to make tables on Word or whatever and things like that in preparation for an exam so you can consolidate all the techniques, evidence, context information and so on on a text in one place.
 

misssunshine

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Alongside practicing extended responses, i'd like to emphasis the immense advantage reading a variety of texts has. Doing this will definitely help broaden language/description and is especially useful when writing answers to unseen questions on the spot(since you can pick out good phrases you remember and use them as a model, similar to having access to internet in your brain lol, a powerful tool that no-one can call you out for)!!
 
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Accurate

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Also based off this, Im doing my subject selection atm. Should I pick Standard or Advanced, I heard Standard's scaling is awful but I still don't know what to pick. Any help on that?
 

misssunshine

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Give advanced a go. If it turns out to bee too difficult, you can always drop
 

ineedtostudy123

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Always try to aim higher, as you can always drop down to English standard, but you can't go back up.
 

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I got bad for the essay though I got like 65%.. was expected though
 

99 atar confirmed

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I'm in no way an expert in English essays at all, but one thing I picked up on is your retelling the story too much. The marker knows what the story is about, focus more on analyzing the the themes, quotes and techniques. Thats just what I noticed I was doing wrong in most of my essays from before.
 

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I'm in no way an expert in English essays at all, but one thing I picked up on is your retelling the story too much. The marker knows what the story is about, focus more on analyzing the the themes, quotes and techniques. Thats just what I noticed I was doing wrong in most of my essays from before.
That's what I was told by the marker as well. I guess i need to change that
 

99 atar confirmed

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Also another thing, always link it back to the question. If you ever confused follow the PEEL structure (point, evidence, explain, LINK). Always remember to link it back to the question
 

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