school jokes (1 Viewer)

[babydoll_]

post lame, school related jokes here!

• A couple of biologist had twins, one they called John and the other - control.
• How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
  Take their genes down.
• Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing as division.
• A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"
  "You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist.
  "That's it, I can never remember that word."
• Two molecules are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
  "No, I lost an electron!"
  "Are you sure?" "I'm positive!"

 

[withoutaface]

Approximately ten excuses for not doing homework:


I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.
I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn't actually reach it.
I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin.
I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged.
I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.
I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.
I couldn't figure out whether I am the square of negative one or I am the square root of negative one.
I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee, and then I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk.
I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but this morning I couldn't find it.

 

[tomorrows_angel]

kinda lame... actuallly very lame but the only thing i can think of off the top of my head... old too...
A pregant woman is in a car crash and falls into a coma. When she wakes up a couple of months later, she is told she had twins, a boy and a girl. She asked who named them and the nurse told her that her brother had named them. "nooo.. he's crazy. he would have called them awful names!!"
nurse: "well he called the girl denise"
woman: "that's not too bad... better than i expected. what did he call the boy?"
nurse: "denephew".

actually that's not school related. Though i did hear it at school, in chem. good enough!

 

[dynamic22]

watever happened to excusing urself from homework coz u fed it to a horse who was dieing of starvation?

i always use: its against my religion to do homework (even though i am christian but of middle eastern orgion, most of my teachers are brainwashed by mainstream media thinking that all arabs are muslim, and they therefore believe me, so it all works out great)

why did the girl throw the butter out of the window?
to see the butter fly

wat did the chicken say when she layed a square egg?

ouch!

 

[mack]

A neutron walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a Jack and Coke. He asks the bartender how much it will be. The bartender replies "For you, no charge."

GROAN. So lame.

 

[withoutaface]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on this side of the road.







27 ways to use a barometer to find the height of a building

Tie a long piece of string to the barometer. Hold one end of the string from the top of the building, so that the end of the barometer barely clears the ground. Give the barometer a small displacement and time its period as a compound pendulum.


Smash the barometer on the roof of the building and time how long it takes for the mercury to drip down the wall of the building to the ground. Use the known viscosity of mercury to find the velocity.


Throw the barometer horizontally off the building with a known velocity (calibrate your throwing ability by timing and measuring barometer throws on the ground). Use projectile motion to find the height of the building once the distance the barometer lands from the building is found.


Find a small, very efficient, very light electric motor. Weigh the barometer. Use the motor to carry the barometer up the building. Using a voltmeter and ammeter, calculate the work done by the motor, and thus the gravitational potential difference between the top and bottom of the building. Knowing g, find the height.


Go to the basement. Find a part of the basement such that directly above you is solid brick until you reach the roof. Throw the barometer at the ceiling of the basement, which is the floor of the building. The barometer will most likely bounce off the floor. Repeat n times, where n is a very large number. In a few trials, the barometer will tunnel through the potential field of the bricks, and appear on the top of the building. Calculate the percentage of trials for which the barometer tunnels. Use the quantum tunneling equation to calculate the length of the barrier, and thus the height of the building. Note: this effect can be calibrated properly by finding the likelyhood of the barometer tunneling through one brick.


Attach a copper wire to the top of the building, and attach the other end to the ground. Smash the barometer and use one of the shards of glass to cut the wire halfway up the building and place an ammeter in series with the wire. Knowing the current through the wire and the resistivity of copper, the potential difference between the top of the building and the bottom of the building can be found. This will be a gravitational potential difference, not an electrical one, but the electrons don't know that. Thus, since g is known, the height of the building can be found.


Find a large wooden rod a bit longer than the building is high. Wrap an insulated copper wire around this rod at a uniform turn density. Make the coil stop at the top and bottom of the building. Run alternating current through the coil, measure current and voltage, and determine the inductance of the coil. Place the barometer in series with the coil so the resistance of the circuit is enough to stop the wires from melting. With the inductance of the coil and its turns per unit length and radius, the length of the coil, and thus the height of the building, can be found.


Drop the barometer off the top of the building and measure the radius of the resulting puddle of mercury.


Using a device that can propel an object at a known velocity (such as a baseball pitching machine or a rail gun), find the escape velocity of the barometer from the ground, after first having tied a string to the barometer so it can be retrieved from deep space. Repeat on the top of the building. The difference in escape velocity energies gives the gravitational potential difference between the ground and the roof, thus yielding the height.


Using the aforementioned pitching machine or rail gun, find the velocity at which the barometer needs to be projected to reach the roof from the ground.


Make a small hole in the barometer through which mercury drips at a constant rate. Time this rate at the ground. Place the barometer on the roof and observe the drip rate from the ground with binoculars. The drip rate will be dilated, by general relativity, by a factor which will give the difference in the curvature of space at the bottom and top of the building. Knowing the mass and radius of the earth and so on, the height of the building can be found.


THIS METHOD USES MORE THAN ONE BAROMETER: Pack as many barometers as possible into the building until it undergoes gravitational collapse and becomes a black hole. Knowing the number of barometers used, the mass of this hole can be calculated, and the Schwarzchild radius of the hole is thus half the height of the building.


Find a barometer that uses a liquid with no surface tension whatsoever (superfluid helium?). Break the barometer and spread the liquid evenly over the surface of the building. Measure the depth of the resulting liquid film. Knowing the volume of the barometer, this gives the surface area of the building, which will give its height, if its width and depth are known.


Stand on the roof of the building. Throw the barometer to a point exactly on the horizon. Measure the distance from the bottom of the building to the barometer. This gives the horizon distance at the top of the building, thus giving its height above the ground.


Make a small hole in the barometer so mercury drips out at a constant rate. Place the barometer so that it is dripping off the roof onto the ground. Measure the time between a drop being released from the barometer and the drop hitting the ground. Repeat the measurement when moving towards the ground at a known velocity. The time between a drop being released and a drop hitting the ground will change. Using the Lorentz transformation equations and taking the top of the tower as x = 0, the position of the ground can be found. This will yield the height of the tower.


Find a steel cable. Attach it to the barometer and use the barometer as a physical pendulum to measure g. Then attach the building to the cable (after having remove it from its foundations and attaching the cable to a crane of some sort), and using the building as a physical pendulum, and knowing g, measure its moment of inertia. This will give the dimensions of the building and so on.


Use a barometer containing sulfuric acid. Break the barometer on the roof of the building and time how long it takes the acid to eat its way down to the ground.


Measure the volume of the barometer at the bottom and top of the building. By knowing the coefficient of thermal expansion of glass, the temperature difference between the top and bottom can be calculated. Refer this to known data of atmospheric temperature as a function of height.


Every time somebody walks into or out of the building, stab them with the sharpened end of the barometer (after having sharpened it, of course). Word of the 'Barometer Murderer' will eventually reach the building's owner, who will of course be forced to sell the building. The real estate advertisement should give the height of the building.


Knowing the density, width and length of the building, rip the building from its foundations and place it on top of the barometer, giving it a pressure equal to the building's weight divided by the measurement area of the barometer. Thus the weight, and so the height, of the building can be found.


Find the architect who designed the building, crack the (mercury) barometer over his coffee, watch him die when he drinks it, then steal the building's specifications, including height.


THIS ALSO REQUIRES MORE THAN ONE BAROMETER: knowing Young's Modulus for brick, place barometers on the roof until the roof is lowered by one barometer length. This change in the height of the building under a known stress and Young's Modulus will give the height of the building.


Place a cat on top of the building. Prod it with the barometer so that it falls off the roof. See whether the cat dies when it hits the ground. Repeat n times, where n>>{a large number}. Refer to Dr Karl Kruszelnicki's paper on the probability of a cat dying when falling from a certain height.


AGAIN, MORE THAN ONE BAROMETER: place as many barometers in the building as will fit. This gives the volume, thus the height, if other dimensions are known.


Use a machine (such as the aforementioned baseball pitching machine or rail gun) that can hurl the barometer down from the ground into a hole in the ground at a velocity that is only known to within a certain tolerance. Find the smallest uncertainty in velocity, and thus momentum, such that the barometer appears on top of the building. Use Heisenburg's position-momentum uncertainty relationship to find the height of the building.


Tie a string to the barometer and hang it as a plumb bob. The string will be slightly deflected from the vertical by the gravitational effect of the building. This gives the mass of the building, etc.


Find at what velocity you must move upwards or downwards past the building such that the building is contracted to the same length as the barometer. Find gamma for this velocity, multiply by the length of the barometer.

 

[dynamic22]

can anyone give me a summary of withoutaface's joke...
i stopped reading after the fourth line

 

[mack]

More one liners.........

Who is always your friend at school?

The Princi-pal.



Atoms have mass? I didnt know they were Catholic! (BA-DUM CHING!)


I heard this one in school, its not school related, but still.....

What do you call a 30 foot gorilla named fred who has acne and is scared of penguins?

Fred.

 

[Tommy_Lamp]

At math teacher was solving an equation on the board, when a student yelled out, "Hang on, yesterday you said x was equal to 5!!"

 

[dynamic22]

i dont get it....

im thinking whether my 30% in my trial maths exam has anything to do with me not getting the joke

 

[withoutaface]

can anyone give me a summary of withoutaface's joke...
i stopped reading after the fourth line

You cant summarise it as it is one of those list things.

 

[jumb]

Not school related but short:

A ghost goes into a bar and orders a drink but the bartender wont give him one. When asked why the bartender replies "We're not allowed to serve spirits after 9"

 

[Mike iE]

What type of singlets do alkenes wear ?

Double bonds

 

[withoutaface]

Whats big, white and lives in a tree?


A fridge.


Whats big, yellow and not very cool?


The Sun.

 

[cj_bridle]

what do you do when your ribosomes break down. Call the mRNA

 

[hipsta_jess]

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girls' junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body which, under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."
Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I do not think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.
Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

According to a news report a few years ago, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators.

biology students should get the following ones

What did the girl mushroom say to the boy mushroom? "you're a fun guy"

Fungi - Male party animal.
Fungal - Female party animal.
Mushroom - Where fungi and fungal get together.

A mushroom went into a bar and saw some algae at a table.
He went up to one and said "You're lookin' all gal."
She looked him over and said "You look like a fun guy."
And they took a likin’ to each other.

A party was organised for a crowd of toadstools.
It was very crowded, but they were all happy....
There wasn't mush-room, but they didn't mind because they were all such fungi's.
(I'm sorry. That last one was in spore taste)

 

[Slidey]

Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip? It wanted to get to the same side.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were travelling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
"Aha," says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black."
"Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are black."
"No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!"

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel while attending a technical seminar.
The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.
Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.
Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, "Ah, a solution exists!" and then goes back to bed.

One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician and asked them to fence off the largest possible area with the least amount of fence. The engineer made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the most efficient design. The physicist made a long, straight line and proclaimed 'We can assume the length is infinite...' and pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was certainly a more efficient way to do it. The Mathematician just laughed at them. He built a tiny fence around himself and said 'I declare myself to be on the outside.'

Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far."
So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?" (They hear the echo several times).
15 minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're lost!!"
One of the men says, "That must have been a mathematician."
Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?"
The reply: "For three reasons. (1) he took a long time to answer, (2) he was absolutely correct, and (3) his answer was absolutely useless."

Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?
A: Because he left a residue at every pole.

 

[mack]

Whats big, white and lives in a tree?


A fridge.


Whats big, yellow and not very cool?


The Sun.

WTF? Why the hell is a fridge in the tree?

 

[+Po1ntDeXt3r+]

i always use: its against my religion to do homework (even though i am christian but of middle eastern orgion, most of my teachers are brainwashed by mainstream media thinking that all arabs are muslim, and they therefore believe me, so it all works out great).

would that still work if i was asian?

 

[babydoll_]

say that you belong to a remote sect of Buddhism

somebody in "Falling Leaves" by Adeline Yen Mah used that