Suggestions on my belonging thesis (1 Viewer)

[born of virtue]

G'day, anxiously preparing for my belonging essay for half-yearly's and not confident if my thesis statement is general enough for the possible question on belonging. All critique welcomed!


In literature, nature is a common theme which is utilized by composers in order to present enlightening ideas about many angles on belonging. Artists like Emily Dickinson, Sean Penn and Robert Drewe explore many notions of belonging through employing nature as medium to permeate their messages. For example, Dickinson & Penn explore adherence to social mores and investigate the impact of interpersonal relationships have on the individual. On the same token they are also harmonious as they both touch on societies evolution away from nature into a synthetic greed filled world which they highlight as a cause of disillusionment of belonging. While all these composers differ in their ideas they all cunningly use nature effectively in order to point to a underlying wisdom they wish to share.

 

[Absolutezero]

Comments:

What type of nature are you talking about? You're using the term in a very broad sense.

You've introduced your texts to early. You need to make your argument first.

Nature is a common theme, is not a strong or appropriate argument. What is it about nature that the writers use to express belonging?

You haven't introduced the names of the texts you will be using.

Don't use 'for example' in your introduction. You what to give a definition of exactly what you will be talking about, not just one example of something you bring up.

*society's

Your sentence 'On the same token...' needs to be related back to your thesis better.

You haven't stated what Drewe does in his texts.

Cunningly is a poor adverb here. Replace it.

Relate the wisdom they want to share to your overall argument. Create a argumentative through line in your thesis.

1. Argument: What your essay says
2. Expand: Explain your argument
3. Introduce texts: Name and author
4. Explain texts: Very brief description of theme/content
5. Relation to your argument: How these texts prove anything
6. Answer the question/Link: How does your argument answer the question, and where will your essay go from here.

 

[born of virtue]

Absolutezero, thanks for that rapid response! wasn't expecting a review of that quality. I'll try edit my thesis now and repost a refined edition of it.

 

[born of virtue]

Edited thesis:

In literature, nature is a common theme which is utilized by composers in order to explore how individuals find a sense of belonging through the nourishment nature provides. Nature hence provides enlightenment and a sense of belonging through the observance of its beauty and the satisfaction it provides for those who are at ease in its company. Emily Dickinson’s uses nature in her poems ‘This is my letter to the world’ and ‘I had been hungry all the years’ to investigate the impact of man on nature and the perception he has created about belonging. While Sean Penn’s ‘Into the Wild’ provides an example of the enlightenment nature offers the soul and Robert Drewe’s ‘The water person and the tree person’ uses nature wittingly to examine a divide in a relationship. While all these composers differ in their ideas they all use nature effectively in order to point to a underlying wisdom they wish to share on the impact nature has on individuals in regard their sense of belonging.

By the way curious as to whether you would be interested in looking over my entire essay with any other tips? If not thanks for your help anyway.

 

[Absolutezero]

Looks much better this time. If you PM the whole thing to me (along with the question you have written this for), I'll try and send it back with notes by tomorrow.