[size=+1]General comments[/size]
Commas, fullstops and other punctuation go inside brackets, as shown in some of the specifics comments below
Names of films, poems, plays, books, etc need to be underlined when written, some types need to be underlined and others italics when typed
In quotes from poems, divide the lines using a slash "/" - see stanza 3
Never say a text forces the responder. Other alternatives offered below, invites is a good one
Keep an eye on the tense you use (past/present/future) - see notes for para 7
Original
Edited (Changes in Red
Para 1:
through the real, surreal
through the real and surreal
Discussions of Coleridge; Text 6 from the stimulus booklet, “Journeys over land and sea”; Salvador Dali’s painting, “Premonition of Civil War” and “A Beautiful Mind” directed by Ron Howard
Discussions of the poems of Samuel Taylor Coleridge, Text 6 from the stimulus booklet; “Journeys over Land and Sea,” Salvador Dali’s painting; “Premonition of Civil War,” and “A Beautiful Mind” directed by Ron Howard
Para 2:
“star charts, bestiaries and herbals”, express the idea
“star charts, bestiaries and herbals,” the composer expresses the idea
and reflect that the unknown
and reflects that the unknown
the unknown was merely the explorers imagination with the challenge of learning new things is endless.
This does not make sense
Para 3:
imagination as a reason for exploration
imagination as a means of|method of|path to exploration
to force the reader to empathise with him
to cause|encourage|allow|help|assist|invite the reader to empathise with him
“well, they are gone, and here I must remain, this lime-tree bower my prison!”
“Well, they are gone, and here I must remain, / this lime-tree bower my prison!”
especially seen in “Kubla Khan”, in which Coleridge’s “pleasure-dome” is split into two hemispheres, where above ground was Coleridge's image of perfection, “…there were gardens, bright with sinuous rills.”
This beauty is cleverly contrasted with the lower hemisphere being, “…a savage place...by woman, wailing for her demon lover!” In these examples, his vision of Romantic perfection is contrasted by Romantic desolation and corruption, it is where these hemispheres are split by a barrier, “Alph, the sacred river” resembling the current mentality of man, having a choice between perfection and corruption.
I don't agree, but that's not really a problem
Para 5:
“Premonition of Civil War”, it sensationalises what a nation
“Premonition of Civil War,” which sensationalises what a nation
sensationalisation forces the viewer, on imagining what Dali is trying to express, the idea of how a nation can pull itself apart, without knowing the consequences
sensationalisation causes|encourages|allows|helps|assists|invites the viewer to imagine what Dali is trying to express, the idea of how a nation can pull itself apart without knowing the consequences
Para 6:
discovering reality from illusion
distinguishing between reality and illusion
of who is his wife
of which is his wife
dramatically shown with Parcher
dramatically shown when Parcher
Para 7:
where John and 'Parcher' escaping the Russians
where John and ‘Parcher’ escape the Russians
Conclusion:
reasons behind a persons journey
reasons behind a person's journey
The conclusion needs a lot of work, and it's pretty short - try for at least 3 pages - but written does take more space than typed. Also, you don't need to say which texts go with which part of the conclusion - you are putting them all together.
Try this for the conclusion
Throughout the course of all journeys, one comes to learn what separates good from evil, reality from illusion. The real reasons for a person's journey may not be clear to begin, or even be what that person believes they are, but reveal themselves over time, as one gains experience and knowledge. Journeys allow for the use and expansion of the mind, so that one's imagination does not "contract itself too much, and wholly sink into trifles," because a journey never ends, it simply leads into the next one.
