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Trouble with Hatshepsut response (1 Viewer)

NickLG

Member
Joined
Sep 16, 2007
Messages
68
Gender
Female
HSC
2008
Hey guys i've got an assessment hand in essay due next friday and I'm just wanting some people's opinions on it. I handed my draft to my teacher and he said it was great didn't say i needed to change anything but i don't really trust his judgement. The essay is basically the personalities section of the HSC with a 1000 word limit. Any criticisms on the response would be much appreciated, either post them here or PM me.

a) Discuss how Hatshepsut showed her devotion to Amun-Re, 10 marks


There are many ways in which Hatshepsut showed her devotion to Amun-Re, through dedicating to him extensive building programs, military success and offerings of exotic gifts. Above all, Hatshepsut showed her devotion by claiming that she was the daughter of Amun-Re. This concept of divine conception displayed such an important link for Hatshepsut to Amun-Re that later pharaohs such as Rameses II and Amenhotep III copied her divine birth scenes to display their bond with Amun-Re.

Throughout her time as pharaoh, Hatshepsut ensured that continued wealth flowed into the temple of Amun at Karnak. During her reign, the temple of Amun at Karnak became one of the largest and most affluent institutions in Egypt, religiously, economically and politically. As Tyldesley points out “By promoting the cult of Amun, she was effectively reinforcing her own position and promoting herself.”The high priest of Amun Hapusoneb during her reign not only had religious roles but also held the title Overseer of Upper and Lower Egypt and was possibly even appointed to vizier. This shows the growing power of the cult of Amun-Re during Hatshepsut’s rule as she attempts to display her strong relationship with him. There is also evidence that suggests that two prominent religious festivals dedicated to Amun-Re in the New Kingdom, the Opet Festival and the festival of the Beautiful Valley were introduced during Hatshepsut’s reign.

One of the most notable points of Hatshepsut’s rule was her expedition to Punt, which happened around year nine of her reign. An oracle of Amun-Re is credited with initiating the expedition, Hatshepsut claims that he commanded her to “establish for him a Punt in his house.”By organizing and executing such an enormous and no doubt expensive expedition, she was displaying her devotion to her divine father. One of the key objectives of this expedition was to bring back live myrrh trees to be planted in the forecourt of her mortuary temple for the pleasure of Amun-Re. The myrrh was also used for incense in everyday temple rituals honouring Amun-Re. Exotic goods such as ivory, ebony and animal skins were also brought back and offered to Amun. In relief scenes on the middle colannade at Dier el Bahri Hatshepsut is scene offering these products to Amun-Re and inscriptions show him praising Hatshepsut and promising success for future expeditions.

Finally, Hatshepsut’s building program was intended to honour Amun-Re. New buildings such as the barque sanctuary at Luxor, the Red Chapel at Karnak, four obelisks at Karnak and pylon VIII at Karnak were all constructed in the name of Amun-Re. The dedication of all these building programs to Amun-Re clearly shows Hatshepsut’s strong to devotion to him and her will to promote his cult as the chief state cult of Egypt.

b) Assess Hatshepsut’s relationship with Thutmose III, 15 marks
The nature of the relationship between Hatshepsut and Thutmose III is one that is open to many questions and theories. It is clear however that after the death of Thutmose II, Thutmose III was destined to take the throne as he was Thutmose II’s only male heir. At this time Thutmose III was no older than ten and too young to rule. Hatshepsut, King’s Royal wife to Thutmose II and half sister of Thutmose III controlled Egypt as regent. For the first two years her depiction on monuments is as a secondary role to Thutmose III. However between years two and seven of Thutmose III’s reign, Hatshepsut ascended to the position of pharaoh and they ruled as a co-regency or diarchy.

It is certain by year seven that Hatshepsut had adopted the full titulary of a king and by this stage was being displayed in front of Thutmose III on monuments and showed that even though they ruled in a co-regency, there is no doubt that Hatshepsut was the senior pharaoh. The hypotheses as to why Hatshepsut seemingly usurped the throne from Thutmose III are varied, Callender believes that “She considered herself a more legitimate ruler than him because she was descended from pure blood and he was the son of a mere concubine.” However Tyldesley believes that “She was acting on the wishes of Thutmose III who needed her continuing support and protection.” There are many explanations as to why she may have done so, although it is clear that after ascending to the throne that she had the internal and external administration of Egypt under her control.

Many believe however that the relationship between Hatshepsut and Thutmose III during the co-regency was a peaceful one. This is supported by the fact that there are no documented uprisings during the co-regency by Thutmose III against Hatshepsut. Hatshepsut also gave Thutmose III the respect he was entitled to, she dated her rule by his regal years and Thutmose III is seen in many relief scenes as participating with Hatshepsut at important religious events. Another notable point about their relationship is that according to Brier, Hatshepsut seems to have given Thutmose III an important role in the army. This is possibly because Hatshepsut hoped that Thutmose III could take control of foreign campaigns and leave her in peace so that she could take care of the homeland and rule without challenge.

The most debatable part of Hatshepsut and Thutmose III relationship with one another is highlighted by the destruction of Hatshepsut’s monuments after her death by Thutmose III. This has led to the proposition of the Feuding Thutmosids theory. Many of Hatshepsut’s monuments were destroyed or defaced, her name on monuments was replaced by that of Thutmose I, II or III and her name was removed from the official kings list. It is possible that Thutmose III acted out of revenge against Hatshepsut because he detested her for usurping his right to the throne. Lawless though rightly points out “If he hated her so much, why wait twenty years for revenge?” It is generally accepted that Thutmose III did not begin to deface Hatshepsut’s monuments until twenty years after her death. It has been proposed that the reason for him destroying many of Hatshepsut’s monuments was because he was afraid that Hatshepsut’s achievements would overshadow his own. However many historians argue that the reason for destroying many of Hatshepsut’s monuments and replacing her name with those of his former Thutmose’s was to legitimize his own right to the throne by emphasizing his relationship with Thutmose I and II. Redford agrees that “Thutmose was motivated not so much by genuine hatred as political necessity.” It is also notable that Thutmose III may have wanted to restore Ma’at in Egypt by erasing all trace of an unorthodox female pharaoh. In conclusion it is evident that the defacing of Hatshepsut’s monuments was because of political necessity and not because Thutmose III hated her, this is reinforced by the fact that after her death he did not dismiss any of her officials.

Cheers
Nick

 
X

xeuyrawp

Guest
Hey guys i've got an assessment hand in essay due next friday and I'm just wanting some people's opinions on it. I handed my draft to my teacher and he said it was great didn't say i needed to change anything but i don't really trust his judgement. The essay is basically the personalities section of the HSC with a 1000 word limit. Any criticisms on the response would be much appreciated, either post them here or PM me.

a) Discuss how Hatshepsut showed her devotion to Amun-Re, 10 marks


There are many ways in which Hatshepsut showed her devotion to Amun-Re, through dedicating to him extensive building programs, military success and offerings of exotic gifts. Above all, Hatshepsut showed her devotion by claiming that she was the daughter of Amun-Re. This concept of divine conception displayed such an important link for Hatshepsut to Amun-Re that later pharaohs such as Rameses II and Amenhotep III copied her divine birth scenes to display their bond with Amun-Re.

Throughout her time as pharaoh, Hatshepsut ensured that continued wealth flowed into the temple of Amun at Karnak. During her reign, the temple of Amun at Karnak became one of the largest and most affluent institutions in Egypt, religiously, economically and politically. As Tyldesley points out “By promoting the cult of Amun, she was effectively reinforcing her own position and promoting herself.” <you don't italicise quotations> The high priest of Amun Hapusoneb during her reign not only had religious roles but also held the title Overseer of Upper and Lower Egypt and was possibly even appointed to vizier. <according to what evidence?> This shows the growing power of the cult of Amun-Re during Hatshepsut’s rule as she attempts to display her strong relationship with him. There is also evidence <what?> that suggests that two prominent religious festivals dedicated to Amun-Re in the New Kingdom, the Opet Festival and the festival of the Beautiful Valley were introduced during Hatshepsut’s reign. <no, that's not true. The first evidence of Opet is from Hatshepsut's reign - it is very unlikely that it was introduced then. The Valley Festival (as it's more commonly called) has evidence prior to her reign. It is true to say, though, that she made the festivals (to our knowledge) officially-sanctioned.>

One of the most notable points of Hatshepsut’s rule was her expedition to Punt, which happened around year nine of her reign. An oracle of Amun-Re is credited with initiating the expedition, Hatshepsut claims that he commanded her to “establish for him a Punt in his house.” <what's that mean?> By organizing :p and executing such an enormous and no doubt expensive expedition, she was displaying her devotion to her divine father. One of the key objectives of this expedition was to bring back live myrrh trees to be planted in the forecourt of her mortuary temple for the pleasure of Amun-Re. The myrrh was also used for incense in everyday temple rituals honouring Amun-Re. Exotic goods such as ivory, ebony and animal skins were also brought back and offered to Amun <we know this from the reliefs, so I would start that sentence with 'From the relief scenes, we know that...' and then start the next sentence with 'Also from these scenes,...'>. In relief scenes on the middle colannade at Dier el Bahri Hatshepsut is scene <change to 'In Deir el Bahri, there is a scene in which Hatshepsut is'>offering these products to Amun-Re and inscriptions show him praising Hatshepsut and promising success for future expeditions.

Finally, Hatshepsut’s building program was intended to honour Amun-Re. New buildings such as the barque sanctuary at Luxor, the Red Chapel at Karnak, four obelisks at Karnak and pylon VIII at Karnak were all constructed in the name of Amun-Re. The dedication of all these building programs to Amun-Re clearly shows Hatshepsut’s strong to devotion to him and her will to promote his cult as the chief state cult of Egypt.

<Need a conclusion! Just make it a brief summary. :)>


b) Assess Hatshepsut’s relationship with Thutmose III, 15 marks
The nature of the relationship between Hatshepsut and Thutmose III is one that is open to many questions and theories. It is clear however that after the death of Thutmose II, Thutmose III was destined to take the throne as he was Thutmose II’s only male heir <we're not sure about that, so I'd add the word 'probably' in there>. At this time Thutmose III was no older than ten and too young to rule. Hatshepsut, King’s Royal wife to Thutmose II and half sister of Thutmose III controlled Egypt as regent. For the first two years her depiction on monuments is as a secondary role to Thutmose III. However between years two and seven of Thutmose III’s reign, Hatshepsut ascended to the position of pharaoh <if you have to say that word, capitalise it. But, say 'king', not Pharaoh. Lots of reasons which I can outline to you if you'd like, otherwise take my word for it:p> and they ruled as a co-regency or diarchy.

It is certain by year seven that Hatshepsut had adopted the full titulary of a king and by this stage was being displayed in front of Thutmose III on monuments and showed that even though they ruled in a co-regency, there is no doubt that Hatshepsut was the senior pharaoh. <senior pharaoh??? Maybe change it to 'was the more senior ruler? The hypotheses as to why Hatshepsut seemingly usurped the throne from Thutmose III are varied, Callender believes that “She considered herself a more legitimate ruler than him because she was descended from pure blood and he was the son of a mere concubine.” However Tyldesley believes that “She was acting on the wishes of Thutmose III who needed her continuing support and protection.” There are many explanations as to why she may have done so, although it is clear that after ascending to the throne that she had the internal and external administration of Egypt under her control.

Many believe however that the relationship between Hatshepsut and Thutmose III during the co-regency was a peaceful one. <why would you think that it's unpeaceful? If one of them hated the other, they would have had them knocked off or something.> This is supported by the fact that there are no documented uprisings during the co-regency by Thutmose III against Hatshepsut. Hatshepsut also gave Thutmose III the respect he was entitled to, she dated her rule by his regal years and Thutmose III is seen in many relief scenes as participating with Hatshepsut at important religious events. Another notable point about their relationship is that according to Brier, Hatshepsut seems to have given Thutmose III an important role in the army. This is possibly because Hatshepsut hoped that Thutmose III could take control of foreign campaigns and leave her in peace so that she could take care of the homeland and rule without challenge.

The most debatable part of Hatshepsut and Thutmose III relationship with one another is highlighted by the destruction of Hatshepsut’s monuments <destruction of monumens?> after her death by Thutmose III. This has led to the proposition of the Feuding Thutmosids <put that in inverted commas, I think> theory. Many of Hatshepsut’s monuments were destroyed <what was destroyed? Mainly, her names were erased> or defaced, her name on monuments was replaced by that of Thutmose I, II or III and her name was removed from the official kings list <there is no official king list to be removed from. Her name simply wasn't included on subsequent lists>. It is possible that Thutmose III acted out of revenge against Hatshepsut because he detested her for usurping his right to the throne. Lawless though <?> rightly points out “If he hated her so much, why wait twenty years for revenge?” It is generally accepted that Thutmose III did not begin to deface Hatshepsut’s monuments until twenty years after her death. It has been proposed that the reason for him destroying many of Hatshepsut’s monuments was because he was afraid that Hatshepsut’s achievements would overshadow his own. However many historians argue that the reason for destroying many of Hatshepsut’s monuments and replacing her name with those of his former Thutmose’s was to legitimize his own right to the throne by emphasizing his relationship with Thutmose I and II. Redford agrees that “Thutmose was motivated not so much by genuine hatred as political necessity.” It is also notable that Thutmose III may have wanted to restore Ma’at in Egypt by erasing all trace of an unorthodox female pharaoh. In conclusion it is evident that the defacing of Hatshepsut’s monuments was because of political necessity and not because Thutmose III hated her, this is reinforced by the fact that after her death he did not dismiss any of her officials.

Nick, very good work. If you wrote that in an exam, you'd get close to full marks. Few things:

1. For typed essays, you don't italicise quotations. You wrapt them in quotation marks. In the exam, it's the same.
2. Don't use the word 'Pharaoh' unless it's capitalised. However, I personally wouldn't use it at all, but would use the word 'king' (not capitalised).
3. Don't use Americanisms - 'emphasise', not 'emphasize', etc.
4. You need to have a short conclusion in each essay. A lot of students have trouble because they write conclusions in their introduction. Think of it this way; your introduction should introduce the ideas that you're looking at, and shouldn't make any conclusions or observations, your body observes and introduces evidence and has miniconclusions at the end of each point, and then your conclusion draws all the points together and makes the final conclusions.

You write very well and use evidence appropriately. Where possible in your essays and exams, try to use as much evidence as possible. Students think that evidence needs to be exact, which it should be ideally. However the problem is that they then think that 'oh, I don't know the exact name of the tomb, temple, site, whatever, so I won't mention it' - if you know generally that a text is located in Thebes, mention it in the exam. It's a shame that you don't know the exact source, but akhsan min makhfish (better than nothing ;-P).

Outside of what I wrote here and in the essay, you did a very very good job and should be happy with your progress. If you keep it up and keep pieces of evidence in your head leading up to the HSC exams, you'll do ace. :)

Once you've addressed all the things I've brought up, could you please post up your final essay for everyone to read? :)
 

NickLG

Member
Joined
Sep 16, 2007
Messages
68
Gender
Female
HSC
2008
PwarYuex said:
3. Don't use Americanisms - 'emphasise', not 'emphasize', etc.- Yea sorry it's just stupid microsoft word always changing it because I can't find an Australian english setting

4. You need to have a short conclusion in each essay. A lot of students have trouble because they write conclusions in their introduction. Think of it this way; your introduction should introduce the ideas that you're looking at, and shouldn't make any conclusions or observations, your body observes and introduces evidence and has miniconclusions at the end of each point, and then your conclusion draws all the points together and makes the final conclusions. - So in my case what do you believe my conclusions should look like? For example in the first question what should I say? (Bear in mind i'm already over the word limit by 100 words)

Once you've addressed all the things I've brought up, could you please post up your final essay for everyone to read? :) - Will do should probably have it up sometime later this afternoon if not tomorrow.
.
 

NickLG

Member
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Messages
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2008
The revised version of my response, fixing up the points you put forth.

a) Discuss how Hatshepsut showed her devotion to Amun-Re


There are many ways in which Hatshepsut showed her devotion to Amun, through dedicating to him extensive building programs, military success and offerings of exotic gifts. Above all, Hatshepsut showed her devotion by claiming that she was the daughter of Amun. This concept of divine conception displayed such an important link for Hatshepsut to Amun that later pharaohs such as Amenhotep III and Rameses II copied her divine birth scenes to display their bond with Amun.

During Hatshepsut’s reign, the temple of Amun at Karnak became one of the largest and most affluent institutions in Egypt, religiously, economically and politically. As Tyldesley points out “By promoting the cult of Amun, she was effectively reinforcing her own position and promoting herself.”The high priest of Amun, Hapusoneb, during her reign not only had religious roles; inscriptions on reliefs in Thebes suggest he also held the title Overseer of Upper and Lower Egypt and was possibly even appointed to vizier. This shows the growing power of the cult of Amun during Hatshepsut’s rule as she attempts to display her strong relationship with him. There is also evidence from inscriptions that two prominent religious festivals of the New Kingdom associated with the worship of Amun, the Opet Festival and Festival of the Beautiful Valley were first officially sanctioned during Hatshepsut’s rule.

One of the most notable points of Hatshepsut’s rule was her expedition to Punt. An oracle of Amun is credited with initiating the expedition, Hatshepsut claims that he commanded her to “establish for him a Punt in his house.,” which could be perceived as meaning that he wished Hatshepsut to bring back exotic goods from Punt to enrich the temple of Amun at Karnak.By organizing and executing such an enormous and no doubt expensive expedition, she was displaying her devotion to her divine father. One of the key objectives of this expedition was to bring back live myrrh trees to be planted in the forecourt of her mortuary temple for the pleasure of Amun. We know from reliefs that the myrrh was also used for incense in everyday temple rituals honouring Amun. Also from these scenes, exotic goods such as ivory, ebony and animal skins are also seen being brought back and offered to Amun. In relief scenes on the middle colannade at Dier el Bahri, Hatshepsut is seen offering these products to Amun and inscriptions show him praising Hatshepsut and promising success for future expeditions.

Hatshepsut’s building program was intended to honour Amun. New buildings such as the barque sanctuary at Luxor, the Red Chapel at Karnak, four obelisks at Karnak and pylon VIII at Karnak were all constructed in the name of Amun. The dedication of all these building programs to Amun clearly shows Hatshepsut’s strong to devotion to him and her will to promote his cult as the chief state cult of Egypt.

In conclusion we can see that Hatshepsut was very much devoted to the promotion of the cult of Amun through dedicating military success, building programs and foreign expeditions to him.

b) Assess Hatshepsut’s relationship with Thutmose III
The nature of the relationship between Hatshepsut and Thutmose III is one that is open to many questions and theories. It is clear however that after the death of Thutmose II, Thutmose III was destined to take the throne as he was probably Thutmose II’s only male heir. At this time Thutmose III was no older than ten and too young to rule. Hatshepsut, King’s Royal wife to the late Thutmose II controlled Egypt as regent. For the first two years her depiction on monuments is in a secondary role to Thutmose III. However between years two and seven of Thutmose III’s reign, Hatshepsut ascended to the position of king and they ruled as a co-regency.

It is certain by year seven that Hatshepsut had adopted the full titulary of a king and by this stage was being displayed in front of Thutmose III on monuments which showed that even though they ruled in a co-regency, there is no doubt that Hatshepsut was the more senior ruler. The hypotheses as to why Hatshepsut seemingly usurped the throne from Thutmose III are varied, Callender believes that “She considered herself a more legitimate ruler than him because she was descended from pure blood and he was the son of a mere concubine.”However Tyldesley believes that “She was acting on the wishes of Thutmose III who needed her continuing support and protection.”There are many explanations as to why she may have done so, although it is clear that after ascending to the throne she had the internal and external administration of Egypt under her control.

Even though Hatshepsut effectively usurped the throne from Thutmose III, many believe that their relationship was peaceful. This is supported by the fact that there are no documented uprisings during the co-regency by Thutmose III against Hatshepsut. Hatshepsut also gave Thutmose III the respect he was entitled to, she dated her rule by his regal years and Thutmose III is seen in many relief scenes as participating with Hatshepsut at important religious events. Another notable point about their relationship is that according to Brier, Hatshepsut seems to have given Thutmose III an important role in the army. This is possibly because Hatshepsut hoped that Thutmose III could take control of foreign campaigns and leave her in peace so that she could take care of the homeland and rule without challenge.

The most debatable part of Hatshepsut and Thutmose III relationship with one another is highlighted by the defacement of Hatshepsut’s monuments after her death by Thutmose III. This has led to the proposition of the ‘Feuding Thutmosids; theory. Hatshepsut’s name was removed from many of her monuments, replaced by those of Thutmose I, II or III and her name was removed from king’s lists. It is possible that Thutmose III acted out of revenge against Hatshepsut because he detested her for usurping his right to the throne. Lawless rightly points out “If he hated her so much, why wait twenty years for revenge?” It is generally accepted that Thutmose III did not begin to deface Hatshepsut’s monuments until twenty years after her death. It has been proposed that the reason for him defacing many of Hatshepsut’s monuments was because he was afraid that Hatshepsut’s achievements would overshadow his own. However many historians argue that the reason for replacing her name with those of his former Thutmose’s was to legitimize his own right to the throne by emphasizing his relationship with Thutmose I and II. Redford agrees, “Thutmose was motivated not so much by genuine hatred as political necessity.”It is also notable that Thutmose III may have wanted to restore Ma’at in Egypt by erasing all trace of an unorthodox female king.

In conclusion we can see that Hatshepsut’s relationship with Thutmose III was peaceful during their co-regency but after her death Thutmose III was forced by political necessity to erase her name from monuments to legitimise his own position and reinstate Ma’at.






Also Pwar Yuex, my notes for the topic (historical period) NKE to the death of Thutmose IV in my eyes lack a bit of detail because the text book we use for that topic isn't very good. Could you suggest any books which would help me with this topic, also because I have very few quotes from historians on this topic for the reasons stated above.

Thanks alot for all your help

Nick
 
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xeuyrawp

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So in my case what do you believe my conclusions should look like? For example in the first question what should I say? (Bear in mind i'm already over the word limit by 100 words)


I would make the introduction strictly what you're going to look at.

Eg:

Hatshepsut's devotion to Amun-Re could be discussed using the following criteria. Firstly, building programs dedicated to the god could show us how the queen devoted not only building resources, but also state ideology and a place to worship. Secondly, militarism during her reign may have been tied greatly into the theology of Amun-Re. Thirdly, offerings to the gods, a traditional action of Egyptian kings, would allow us another avenue to assess her devotion to the god. Lastly, her propaganda program, which usually displays such actions, would promote her place. All these facets need to be examined with regards to the available sources.

Also Pwar Yuex, my notes for the topic (historical period) NKE to the death of Thutmose IV in my eyes lack a bit of detail because the text book we use for that topic isn't very good. Could you suggest any books which would help me with this topic, also because I have very few quotes from historians on this topic for the reasons stated above.
Hmm, it's difficult because there are academic books and more accessible textbooks. Academic books tend to be very specific and not what you're after. I would personally recommend that you look for more textbooks and collect the relevant historians' views from them.

I suppose something like Ancient Egypt: A Social History (Trigger) would be okay, as would The Oxford History of Ancient Egypt (Shaw). Both of them have got quite good sections on the New Kingdom, and aren't too long for you to get bored. The problem is that Shaw's book doesn't explain alternate views as much as Trigger's. You should be able to find them from a nearby library, if not, look on Library's Australia or something.

Don't worry too much with longer quotations - stick more to historians' conflicting oppinions and 'bit-sized' chunks. What you've got in your essay is the biggest I'd go for memorising for the exam. :)

Your updated versions are good, they just need the quotations un-italicised.

I assume this essay doesn't need exact citations (footnotes or in-text), or a bibliography?
 

NickLG

Member
Joined
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Messages
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Gender
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HSC
2008
PwarYuex said:
I assume this essay doesn't need exact citations (footnotes or in-text), or a bibliography?


Yes I have them in my saved document I just didn't bother copying them on to BOS. Thanks for all your help! Are you a teacher, uni student or something like that?

Nick
 
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xeuyrawp

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NickLeG said:
Yes I have them in my saved document I just didn't bother copying them on to BOS. Thanks for all your help! Are you a teacher, uni student or something like that?

Nick
No problem. I'm a research student at uni. :)
 

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