wat do u think of my poem??all opinions are welcome!!thx (1 Viewer)

[hellohelllo]

ok first thanx without wings for showing me how to create new thread, really appreciated.
Moving on
Well we had to write a poem for an english assignment and well i would really appreciate ur opinions regarding:
-how it can be improved
-does it represent belong
-does it represent belong on more than one level
changes thata should be made
-is it ok for yr 12 standard
things like that thx a lot i really appreicate all ur opinions!!!
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The Stranger[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Why do I feel[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Like a wolf that has been[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Deserted by its pack[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]When I am surrounded by[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]My family and friends?[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]I am [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]A desert,[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Barren and forsaken[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]With no-one I can talk to[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]And no-one who understands [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]My thoughts[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]When I am surrounded by [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]My family and friends?[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]I wander aimlessly around the house[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]That I once had loved[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]And thought was mine[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]I share the surnames [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Of the others[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] Who live in this house,[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Yet I do not have their attitude.[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]I have the wealth that other have,[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Yet I do not share their contempt.[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]I ride the cars that others ride[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Yet I do not attend their parties,[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Nor do I partake of their so called fellowship.[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]I travel to worlds of my own making[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]And there I have[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Friends[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]And family,[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]That thinks like me[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]And share my love and pleasure of[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]All the things that surround me.[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]With them, I am at peace[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]I voice my thoughts and opinions on the world around me,[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Without fearing rejection or mocking laughter.[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Here is a place where I finally belong.[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]A place where everything is possible,[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]A place I can finally call my home.[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]

 

[7oas7y]

I just wrote up this mad essay on your poem then I hit refresh and it deleted itself!!!! AHHHHHH! Okay I'll just dotpoint some things you should look at.

• Your structure is revolting, even though you could get away with it by saying:
"I was trying to further explore the concept of belonging by intentionally not following a certain structure or procedure, thus creating a poem about belonging, which does not belong." With that said, you should still stick to a set structure as your poem reads so horribly!!

• Your language is very, very average. You should re-read it and find parts that sound boring like this:
I share the surnames
Of the others
Who live in this house,
Yet I do not have their attitude.
Know what I mean? It sounds like you're writing a bloody eulogy. It's so depressingly boring that I'd rather watch SBS news in Arabic with no subtitles. Fuck. Try something like this instead:
I share the blood
of the others
that live in this house
Yet our minds are unique
See? Blood is interesting!! However, from "I travel to worlds of my own making" to the end is really good. Don't change that.

• I forget the other stuff I wrote. GOOD LUCK!

 

[hellohelllo]

thx. OK come on plz keep all that adivce for improvment coming
Really appreciated