Who wants to read my crappy belonging essay? (1 Viewer)

[dinopoke]

If anyone is interested, can you read my Belonging essay and give me some constructive criticism? It's at a rushed state atm so I'm still working on it. I'll PM it to you if you wish to read it.

EDIT: I've uploaded it here for convenience: http://www.mediafire.com/?ftlmmhoxiqx

 

[kwabon]

sure, i would read it

 

[kwabon]

overall i thought it was a good essay, but one thing my teacher kept saying to the class was to keep an essay formal, so it would be good ffor you to consider removing out those first person words, example; In agreement with the quote above, I believe that through the connections one has with these thre.....
so yeh just watch out for that


i dont know much about your text .... the only one i know of was the arrival by shaun tan and the analysis of that particular text was really good.


the conclusion was awesome. summarized all the points in ur essay and then linked them up to the question, simple but great.


this is a personal opinion.. but i find it much more easier goin with a draft of a intro, intro, body , conlusion
the first introduction you could expand and talk more about the question itself
the second one you then give brief introductions to ur texts
the body includes two paras for each text
and then comes ur conlusion
just try using this, i think it should kinda improve ur essay.


overall i would giv it a 17 / 20 (ignoring the fact that u included first person)
hopefully this helped and yeh do giv it to ur teacher for a much more better criticism


good luck

 

[dinopoke]

Wow, thanks! I'll keep those points in mind and try and incorporate it into my later drafts. With the usage of first person, I did it as apparently, HSC markers for the AOS like seeing that in essays nowdays as it gives a sense of opinion.

Thanks again!

 

[snowconesyum]

I'll have a read of it

 

[yeah.josie]

yeah i will have a read.

 

[fayad158]

I'd read over it too

 

[michellemichell]

hey I wouldn't mind reading it either. This whole belonging crap is doing my head in and i need some help here!

 

[bored.of.u]

may i read it please? =D

 

[MrDimple]

i would love to read it please

 

[Freckles14]

I'd love to read over it.

 

[whitepredatorg]

hey could people read my essays and give me feedback, much appreciated It's on some of Skrzynecki's poems.

 

[Hamish2525]

yeah, ill be more than happy to take a look at it ?

 

[ninetypercent]

whitepredatorg,

I read essay One. Good, but:

- state the similarities between Migrant Hostel and St Patricks College
- You need a strong statement at the end of each paragraph
- In the lines (in various others as well)
Immigrants attempt to find security and a sense of belonging in stanza 2 by finding other immigrants of similar nationalities “Nationalities sought Each other out instinctively”.
Don't jump straight to textual evidence after your first statement in the paragraph. State the technique used, quote it, then state what effect it produces.
- Nice to see that you understand your texts well!

 

[whitepredatorg]

thanks for the feedback ninetypercent

 

[E-Hawk]

Hey, the essay seems pretty good as you actually answered the question pretty well.

Also, regarding the us of "I" or "my", we were told by our teachers that you only use this once in your essay and that's in your thesis and conclusion. But how you would use it is like this: "From my study of the notions of belonging...".

 

[kaz1]

Why don't people read my essay?

http://community.boredofstudies.org/818/concept-belonging/215465/belonging-esssay.html

 

[Justin123456789]

white predator g, i have taken a read of your 2nd essay:


1. intro is ok, but you need to use more effective language of evaluation, e.g. say peter EFFECTIVELY conveys this... through the successful use of poetry etc etc (makes the marker see clearly that your using evaluation terms)

2. topic sentences need to be more detailed. instead of just ancestors explore many concepts linked to belonging, maybe something like: The Poem Ancestors helps to successfully convey a multifaceted link to belonging. (makes reader more interested)

3. you have a good analysis of techniques and good explanation.
BUT, its very disjointed, which means your argument/thesis is being lost, so i suggest connecting some of those paragraphs, and include concluding sentences which link straight back to the question.


overall, 14-15/20. < this can be easily boosted to around 17/18 just by fixing up your paragraph structure/order, adding some effective concluding sentences which link back to the question and using effective language of evaluation to show your argument more clearly.
(soz im a hard marker haha)

 

[amydell]

ill read it for sure!