Are you doing an all-nighter for results? if so spam here. (1 Viewer)

[dafidav]

#1 VOICE MAIL AT THE MENTAL HOSPITAL

Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly

If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line
so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the
Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you
which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive,it doesn't matter which number you press, no one
will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696

If you have short term memory loss, press 9.If you have short term memory
loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.If you have short
term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to
talk to you.



i think some of them apply to me now lol

 

[sparkl3z]

lmfaooo lolll i rkn....i cant sleep 2nite!!!!!!!

 

[dafidav]

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

 

[dafidav]

God!, I'm Knackered, How far is it to the Fallopian Tubes?

A long way, We've only just pasted the tonsils!

 

[dafidav]

1.There was a boy and a girl having a bath in a bathtub, The girl looks down and says "Can i touch it" the boy replies"NO WAY, you already broke yours off!!!

2.The other morning I took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the hell?" I said to myself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when I shook them out. "April," I hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."

3.Judi decided she wanted to become a nurse. Her first day at the hospital she was given several patients to bathe and
change their beds. Her instructor arrived in the room just in time to hear the male patient give a howl of pain. The teacher took Judi to one side and said. "When we make the beds, we gently turn the patient to one side and push the
sheets up against his back. We then roll him over on the other side and pull the sheets firm. "We do NOT pick him up by his penis and shove the sheets under him."

4. Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

5. A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked at the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

 

[Gracious]

does anyone have their presentation day tomorrow?

 

[withoutaface]

theyre not so crappy if u got 90's smarty pants.......

Some people have standards higher than others...

 

[dafidav]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful, and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.

You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"



The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

 

[dafidav]

a woman goes into a clothing store and buys a few shirts, she later decided she didnt want them and returned them to the shop, but she couldnt due to store policy

so she screams out "Squeeze my nipple! Squeeze my nipple!" and the employee replys "Why?". She answered to the employee: "Cause i always like it, When I know i'm gonna be fucked hard"

 

[Lainee]

We had presentation day on Monday - 04'ers weren't invited though cause we have a special awards ceremony to ourselves next yr (for the people who get 100 or top a subject ).

 

[dafidav]

A blonde rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."

The blonde says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

 

[Gracious]

Dafidav, where are u getting these from?

 

[dafidav]

Four men, a Tasmanian, a South Australian, a Queenslander and a Victorian were taking a trip together.

As they are driving along the Tasmanian winds down his window and throws out the box of apples he'd bought with him. The other men in the car asked in unison "Why throw away a perfectly good box of apples, we'd of enjoyed eating them!". The Tasmanian replied "I'm from Tasmania. We have more apples than anyone can use and knows what to do with. We didn't need these apples, I can always get more."

They drive along a bit further and the South Australian winds down his window and throws out the box of vintage red wine he'd bought with him. The other men in the car asked in unison "Why did you throw out the vintage red wine, we'd have enjoyed drinking it!". The South Australian replied "I'm from South Australia. We have more wine than anyone can use and knows what to do with. We didn't need that wine, I can always get more."

A little further along it's the Queenslander's turn to wind down his window - and throw out the Victorian!

 

[Lainee]

ROFL my sis just walked by thinking I was crazy cause I keep grinning madly at the screen. it's all this results stress, I tell you, makes everything seem ridiculously funny.

 

[sparkl3z]

he must be an alien!!!!!! lol

 

[dafidav]

Dafidav, where are u getting these from?

some i've heard and some from emails and some from friends

why??

are they boring you??

 

[dafidav]

BREAKING NEWS
There has been a severe earthquake in Lebanon.
America is sending 200,000 troops to help
Canada is sending 150,000 Red Cross workers
And Australia is sending 2,000,000 Replacement Lebanese.

 

[dafidav]

ok this isnt a joke but a story

its about a trip into a hidden cave, IT IS really scary if you read it till the end, trust me, its not one of those gay boooo scared ya sound effect crap but its just a story

so read it if you want to pass time cos its really long

probably about 40min continuos reading

http://www.holyshiite.com/caver/index.html

 

[dafidav]

REAL Court Transcripts!

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are 21 questions asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials, and on certain cases, the responses given by the insightful witnesses. The last one is particularly deserving of honorable mention.
1. "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't
know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and he had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All of my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him."

20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

21. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a bowl."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere."

 

[dafidav]

While walking down the street one day a Federal Policitician is
tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is
met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a Member of Parliament around these
parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
were to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the MP.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle
of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in
front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked
with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.

They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good
times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly
guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is
time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the
elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and
St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity."

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I
would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed
in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I
don't understand," stammers the MP. "Yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there is just a
wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What
happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
campaigning, Today you voted".