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[dafidav]

If Santa Claus, a smart Aussie and a dumb blonde were in a room, and you tossed in a hundred dollar note, who would grab it first?


The blonde - neither of the other two actually exist.

__________________________

The Aussie pilot, when asked for his height and position, replied, "I'm 5'11 and sitting in the front seat".

__________________________

What does an Australian girl use for protection during sex?

The bus shelter keeps the rain off quite nicely.

 

[dafidav]

NEWSFLASH!! John Howard's Library burned down yesterday, and two books were burned completely.




The sad thing is, he hadn't finished colouring in either of them

 

[dafidav]

John Howard, the chirpy Australian Prime Minister, flies to England for a meeting with the Queen. Over a cup of tea, Howard brings up his grand new plans for his country.

"Your Majesty, mate, can we turn Australia into a kingdom, in order to increase its force in the world market?"

The Queen shakes her head and replies, "One needs a king for a kingdom, Mr Howard and unfortunately you are most certainly not a king."

Not to be dissuaded, Johnny asks, "Would it be possible just to transform Australia into an empire then?"

"No, you chubby-faced chap," snorts the Queen, "for an empire you need an emperor, and you are most certainly not an emperor."

Howard thinks for a moment and then asks if it is possible to turn Australia into a principality.

The Queen replies, "For a principality, you need a prince, and you Mr Howard are definitely not a prince."

Pausing for a sip of her tea, Her Majesty then adds: "To be quite honest, having met both you and several other Australians, I think Australia is still best suited as a COUNTRY."

 

[dafidav]

An Australian cricket fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Australian cricket shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks Saint Peter.
"Hello mate" the Aussie says
"No Australian cricket fans in heaven" replies Saint Peter.
"What?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Australian cricket fans."
"But,but, but, I've been a good man" replies the Aussie.
"Oh really," says Saint Peter "What have you done then?"
"Well three weeks before I died I have $10 to the starving children in Africa."
"Oh," says Saint Peter, "anything else?"
"Well, two weeks before I died I also gave $10 to the homeless."
"Hmm, anything else?"
"yeah. A week before I died I gave $10 to the Albanian orphans."
"OK," said Saint Peter, "you wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss."
Ten minutes pass before Saint Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your $30 back, now piss off!."
---------------------------------------------------

Where does an Australian family go on holiday?

A different bar.

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What do you call a New Zealand farmer with two sheep under his arm?

A pimp.

 

[dafidav]

Sitting on a train, travelling through the swiss alps were 2 guys, A kiwi and an Aussie, A young blonde lady, and a little old swiss lady. The train goes into a tunnel and a few seconds later there's the sound af a loud SLAP!
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: "That Kiwi must have groped the young lady in the dark and she slapped him"

The blonde thinks:" That Kiwi must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek."

The Kiwi thinks:" That Australian must have groped the blonde in the dark, she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead"

The Australian thinks:" I hope there's another tunnel soon, So I can smack that Kiwi again"

 

[dafidav]

Q: Why do kiwi horses run so fast?
A: They've seen what happens to the sheep.

Q: How do kiwis find sheep in long, wet grass?
A: Loooooooooovely

 

[dafidav]

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys".

I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.

When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.

 

[dafidav]

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively effect on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.

So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.

Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

 

[dafidav]

A man was having a few problems with his marriage. Due to his relatively small size "down there" he was always anxious about performing which led to performance anxiety which led to impotency.
His wife being a fairly hot-blooded woman was finding this difficult to deal with, so, wanting to save his marriage, he decided to do something about it.
First, he tried viagra - it didn't work. The he tried spanish fly - it didn't work. He tried special herbal medicines, ground up rhino horn, tigers testicles - everything. Nothing worked.
He then was recommended a specialist that had a new, experimental treatment for him to try out - so he decided to visit the specialist.
He sat down with the specialist who then explained the new experimental treatment involved grafting a portion of elephants trunk to the penis. Being desperate to save his marriage, he figured he may as well give it a go.

After the surgery he had to wait several weeks before he could "test out" his new equipment, so he planned a special romantic dinner with his wife.

The big night arrived, a candelit dinner, champagne, nice food, romantic music. His wife was terribly excited and so was he. After eating his fill he sat back in his chair with a big smile on his face and loosened his belt, his wife gazed at him lovingly with lust in her eyes.

Just then, something snuck up from the husband's lap, up onto the table, over to the bread basket.. it grabbed a bun, then disappeared back under the table.

They looked at each other in shock.

Slowly a smile crept over the wife's face and she said "oh...my...god, that was AMAZING.... could you do it again?"

The man looked a little uncomfortable and said;
"Um.... probably, but I don't think I can fit another bun up my arse."

 

[dafidav]

Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office completely naked, with clingfilm wrapped around his body.

The psychiatrist says: "Well I can clearly see your nuts".


---


Minnie and Mickey Mouse were in divorce court. The judge asked Mickey, "Are you saying your wife is insane?" To which Mickey replies,
"She's not crazy, she's fuckin' Goofy!"


---


So, a termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bartender here?".


---


So there's this father of three boys. The first boy walks up to his father and asks, "Dad, why am I named Rose?" His dad responds,
"Well, Rose, when you were a baby, a small rose petal fell on your head, so we took it as a sign from God that you should be named Rose."
The second boy goes up and asks his dad, "Dad, why am I named Leif?" His father responds, "Well, Leif, when you were a baby, a small leaf
fell on your head, and we took it as a sign from God that you should be named Leif." The third boy walks up to his dad and says
"UNGUGUNGUGNGNNGNNNGGUNGUGNG!!!" His dad responds, "Shut the FUCK up, Cinderblock."


---


What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea


---


Why does Piglet smell so bad?

Because he always plays with Pooh

 

[joujou_84]

shit u know too many jokes.................r u normal..........

 

[dafidav]

shit u know too many jokes.................r u normal..........

lol as if i remembered all these

its just copy and paste from emails

 

[dafidav]

Man: I'm sorry, but i accidently killed one of your chickens

Farmer: oh, what colour was it?

Man: Red

Farmer: You've killed my rooster you wanker!

Man: I feel terrible, please let me replace it.

Farmer: Well ok, the hens are out back, try and do as many as you can.....

 

[Sarah168]

I doubt he memorises them all...

 

[dafidav]

A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says "Sorry mate, we don't serve food here."


What do you call a dead musician?


A decomposer...


Whats the worst part about eating vegetables?

Getting em back in the wheel chair


Two guys walk into a bar, dont you think the second one would have ducked?

 

[dafidav]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's draw with Germany.
Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight,
Paddy" Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.

"Shoite, Shoite!"
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just
get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the doors frame.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air,
feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face. "Ah crap... I'm stuffed," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawled to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says "No floppin' way".
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says " I can make it to the bed."

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

"Stuff it" he says and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was floppin' smashed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub."

 

[dafidav]

The definition of a bbq


When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are
put into motion:

1) The woman goes to the shops.
2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man,
who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He
thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer whilst he deals with
the situation.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing
some women!

 

[dafidav]

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?


None. Feminists can't change anything.

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3 blokes walk into the bar. Something happens, and the outcome is hilarious.

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3 blokes walk into the bar. Could be 4 or 5, doesnt really matter does it. Could be 10...a small town maybe. A fishing town, a weaving town, a market town. An entire country. North America....South America, the whole continent. Antarctica maybe...although thats just 8 blokes and a weather station....All the continents...Ok, every bloke IN THE WORLD, walks into a bar. The first one says, "Ill get these". Hah, what an idiot, that'd be huge, like millions of beers...

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3 blokes walk into a bar. God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. it's a theme pub, and the theme is Uncertainty...no one knows why they are there or how they got there...like an ordinary pub. God and Jesus walk up to the bar, while the Holy spirit walks off to play the pinball machine. its one of those Film Adaptation machines, of the film Ghandi. you have to get 3 balls in the magic Naan to light the peaceful transition to independance. God recognises the barman, and says "I know you, your Werner Heisenberg, inventor of the Uncertainty Principle." and the barman says "Yes, that is right. When i was young, i craved accuracy in all things. I tried to measure the smallest of things, the particle, but to do so, you must shine light upon it, but doing so distorts the image. I tried smaller and smaller amounts of light, until i used the smallest source of light known to man...the Glovebox light of Mitch01's suzuki swift, but still to no avail." And god said "yeah shut up mate, the strippers are on" But they were metaphysical strippers, stripping away layers of preconception until all that was left were a couple of question marks, and you put your money on the dots. At that moment, they all hear a sound...Its the pinball machine, the Holy Spirit had got the high score. And so he entered his initials, H.S....but that's the same as High Score, so its as if the whole thing never happened..............

 

[dafidav]

14. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!

16. What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Tel-a-woman

17. Why do hunters make the best lovers?
Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once, and they eat what they shoot.

18. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

19. What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

27. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it!

30. How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick




Two peanuts were walking down the street, One was "A-salted"

 

[dafidav]

Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of Gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was on heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Kevin, a big Kiwi lad, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery. Kevin, like most Kiwis, had little sense, but seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Kevin was approached with a proposition.

Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Kevin showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Kevin announced that he would accept their offer, only under three conditions:
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kuss er."
"Sicondly, you must niver tull anyone about thus."
The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
"Wull," said Kevin, "You gotta give me another wik to come up with the $500."