A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours out
in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world
around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"
The father thought for a moment, then replied, "I don't rightly
know, son."
The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his
father, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
A little later the boy asked, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."
Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you
mind my asking you all of these questions?"
"Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions ... you'll never
learn anything!"
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An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a
nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My penis died today, and
I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my
condolences."
The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with
his penis hanging out of his pajamas.
"Mr. Goldstein," said Nurse Tracy, "You shouldn't be walking down
the hall like this. Please put your penis back inside your
pajamas."
"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday
that my penis died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your
pajamas?"
"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."
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"Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex
anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"
"Look, I can't prescribe..."
"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this
upset? I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life
is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of
pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental;
the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give
her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."
"I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold..."
"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"
"Um... okay."
He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner
waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to
bring dessert. He pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one
into his wife's coffee. He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then
drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor
did say they were powerful.
Then an inspiration strikes... he drops one pill into his own
coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee.
Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a
little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her
eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard
her use before, she looks at him seductively and says, "I need a
man... Right now!!"
His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies,
"Me too..."
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How to Please Your I.T. Department
1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to
leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures,
stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's
art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch
a fleeting glimpse of yours.
2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the
error messages from here.
3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for
coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password.
It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not
what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that
you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on
at all.
5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high
importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk
right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks
it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support.
There's electronics in it.
9. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an
I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no
description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't
have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there
shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many
weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20
times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send
the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound
to work.
14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We
know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".
15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
