BOS Showcase: 2005 Major Works (1 Viewer)

[fine ambiguity]

I deleted my thread before, I forget why.
But here is my final RS and SS.

http://medio-core.com/prv/RS.doc
http://medio-core.com/prv/perpetuity.doc

Hey Jayphen, I enjoyed your major work for the most part. To me your language in much of the first section was a bit contrived, especially in the opening section; but it's maybe just a personal preference and grated me the wrong way! Even though you said in your RS the dialogue was particularly aimed at teenagers, I also had a few problems with it -- again to me it seemed contrived and a bit unrealistic. However your actual story kept me reading, and as you got more into the story the expression improved so much. I really enjoyed (if that's the right word) your descriptions of his drug use, and from there I felt the language really reflected your ability. I'm really impressed with the amount of work you must have done to try and portray the mental illness so intimately, especially 1st person narration, and while I didn't quite 'get' the mythology parallel (my fault, not yours!) your reflection explained it really well. I found the ending very interesting; difficult to achieve in a first person narration! I think I felt a little bit disappointed that that was how you chose to end it, but again you justified it in the RS. Besides, I'm not sure what you could have done otherwise! I think what I didn't like was what you said in the RS: that it was a sort of 'warning', which I think limits what you've achieved in the work.

But I'm just nitpicking from a personal perspective; if you want me to justify any of the comments I'm happy to. Overall I enjoyed it and feel you created a good pace and tension

 

[fleepbasding]

Thank you very much for your comments Gorgo! Fair criticism. Is yours up yet?

I'll get around to reading some of the others after drama performance exams this week.

 

[Dreamerish*~]

I can assure you that my story is nowhere near wonderful - as tez has said below, I hesitate to post my work. The reasons behind this is that the work I have is only a crude draft and nowhere near the final product and considering such vitrolic responses as seen in the latter half of physician's thread "Farewell EE2" I am wary of having my work posted. However anyone who is actually interested in reading what I have, need only PM or IM me.

Eh? what the...how come you don't have a copy of your final product?

 

[kami]

Eh? what the...how come you don't have a copy of your final product?

The disk it was on is at class, and this class just happens to be the one I did externally at another campus...so I probably won't be getting anything back till the Board sends it. Now I only have my first draft

 

[Jayphen]

Hey Jayphen, I enjoyed your major work for the most part. To me your language in much of the first section was a bit contrived, especially in the opening section; but it's maybe just a personal preference and grated me the wrong way! Even though you said in your RS the dialogue was particularly aimed at teenagers, I also had a few problems with it -- again to me it seemed contrived and a bit unrealistic. However your actual story kept me reading, and as you got more into the story the expression improved so much. I really enjoyed (if that's the right word) your descriptions of his drug use, and from there I felt the language really reflected your ability. I'm really impressed with the amount of work you must have done to try and portray the mental illness so intimately, especially 1st person narration, and while I didn't quite 'get' the mythology parallel (my fault, not yours!) your reflection explained it really well. I found the ending very interesting; difficult to achieve in a first person narration! I think I felt a little bit disappointed that that was how you chose to end it, but again you justified it in the RS. Besides, I'm not sure what you could have done otherwise! I think what I didn't like was what you said in the RS: that it was a sort of 'warning', which I think limits what you've achieved in the work.

But I'm just nitpicking from a personal perspective; if you want me to justify any of the comments I'm happy to. Overall I enjoyed it and feel you created a good pace and tension

Thanks so much for taking the time to read it all! (I know I for one am way too lazy/selfish to read more than half of anyone else's major works )

Fortunately, because it's all done and finished, I haven't automatically jumped into defensive mode, haha. Were there any particular sections of dialogue that you thought felt unrealistic? I think the part that I disliked the most was where, near the beginning of the story, Zayden and Caitlyn are talking about Dionysus and The Bacchae. That part was actually included as an afterthought when I had finished writing because I realised people weren't gonna understand who/what Dionysus was. As a result, it was a little rushed.

I really appreciate your time and kind words. A little positive feedback goes a long way.

 

[fine ambiguity]

Thanks so much for taking the time to read it all! (I know I for one am way too lazy/selfish to read more than half of anyone else's major works )

Fortunately, because it's all done and finished, I haven't automatically jumped into defensive mode, haha. Were there any particular sections of dialogue that you thought felt unrealistic? I think the part that I disliked the most was where, near the beginning of the story, Zayden and Caitlyn are talking about Dionysus and The Bacchae. That part was actually included as an afterthought when I had finished writing because I realised people weren't gonna understand who/what Dionysus was. As a result, it was a little rushed.

I really appreciate your time and kind words. A little positive feedback goes a long way.

There's no need for defensive mode anyway -- I hope I wasn't too negative, because that's definitely not my overall impression. The dialogue you mentioned was definitely one, because I could tell you were simply trying to tell the audience something, but I can also understand why you needed to do that. The colloquial spelling to me was overkill eg. 'gonna', and I wanted to delete out all the 'babe's' I think the main problem I had with the dialogue was that it was so blatantly revealing of relationships and developing the storyline, (eg. "Speaking of which, do you like me anymore?..." -- I can't actually imagine anyone saying that within the context of that conversation) but obviously within 8000 words you've got to do it somehow. As I've said, complete nitpicking

With the standard of works that I've perused here, I think that's all anyone can do! Pick up on minor details that maybe with more time and less HSC could have been improved.

 

[glycerine]

I just want to say that when Airness posts his you all MUST read it! He got me to read it through for him a bit before they were due and I laughed my arse off... this is coming from someone who has a very strong feminist perspective on life (his was a take on feminism from the male perspective and Virginia Woolf and blah).

Anyway, James, post post post!You should so be in Showcase.

I might read some of these later

 

[scoby_2000]

do only like the best ones get displayed on this website for next year or all of them?

 

[glycerine]

Only the best.

That's why mine's still up.

 

[scoby_2000]

gay....i dont think mine is good enough

but it wud b soo cool to be on that thingo...like in the list

there were heaps from 04, but no so from 03... 05 will probs be huge so hav 2 be better gay...

 

[c_james]

gay....i dont think mine is good enough

but it wud b soo cool to be on that thingo...like in the list

there were heaps from 04, but no so from 03... 05 will probs be huge so hav 2 be better gay...

lol dude...she's pulling your leg.

All works go into the forum showcase.

 

[scoby_2000]

yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey

im so honoured!

 

[crazyhomo]

mines posted in the script sub forum but i might as well post it here as well

its a tv script

and 'mahue pouri' means 'broken hearted' in maori

this felt like one long cliche to me. there was pretty much nothing in this script that felt new or different. the jealous husband story is an old one. i almost groaned when it turned out that it was the husband's brother who was having an affair with the wife. there was no exploration of how the 'betrayal' actually affected the characters. sure, he decides to kill his brother, but why? not everyone in this situation would do the same thing, what exactly about this guy made him think this was a good idea?

also, the dialogue was mostly pretty bland. nothing gripping that made me want to know what they were going to say next. just ordinary 'affair covering up' dialogue all the way through. i don't see this getting more than 25/40 (and that's being pretty generous)

 

[Arvin Sloane]

this felt like one long cliche to me. there was pretty much nothing in this script that felt new or different. the jealous husband story is an old one. i almost groaned when it turned out that it was the husband’s brother who was having an affair with the wife. there was no exploration of how the ‘betrayal’ actually affected the characters. sure, he decides to kill his brother, but why? not everyone in this situation would do the same thing, what exactly about this guy made him think this was a good idea?

also, the dialogue was mostly pretty bland. nothing gripping that made me want to know what they were going to say next. just ordinary ‘affair covering up’ dialogue all the way through. i don’t see this getting more than 25/40 (and that’s being pretty generous)

Oh! Oh! Please tell us what you really think.

 

[crazyhomo]

lol dude...she's pulling your leg.

All works go into the forum showcase.

you would have been able to figure that out if you'd read hers. obviously it wouldn't be there if it were 'only the best'

 

[crazyhomo]

Oh! Oh! Please tell us what you really think.

do you have this thread on auto-refresh or something?

 

[c_james]

Heh...you've gotta hand it to crazyhomo, he tells it like it is; no sugarcoating.

 

[gorgo31]

Ok, here's mine people. It's a theatre script. I tried to reformat it for size, but I ended up finding free hostage elsewhere. All criticism, as degrading as you like, is completely welcome.

<a href="http://home.ripway.com/2005-8/404084/AFormalFeelingComeswithReflectionStatement.zip">A Formal Feeling Comes with Reflection Statement</a>

Edit: Forgot to mention, I took all the photos myself

 

[Arvin Sloane]

Heh...you’ve gotta hand it to crazyhomo, he tells it like it is; no sugarcoating.

Some call it honest, others call it tactless.

 

[tez0r]

Ok, here's mine people. It's a theatre script. I tried to reformat it for size, but I ended up finding free hostage elsewhere. All criticism, as degrading as you like, is completely welcome.

<a href="http://home.ripway.com/2005-8/404084/AFormalFeelingComeswithReflectionStatement.zip">A Formal Feeling Comes with Reflection Statement</a>

Edit: Forgot to mention, I took all the photos myself

excellent, superbly written reflection on how research affected your piece. well done