Dilemma (1 Viewer)

[Dreamerish*~]

He needs to get the fuck over it.

They both do.

It's not his fault for not being able to control his feelings, and it's not her fault that she's losing a friend. They're both dealing badly, I don't know who's worse off.

They're just two unlucky individuals, I suppose.

 

[monzi]

---

He's ignoring you because he wants to get over you and move on. Some people are just not capable of being friends with someone they want more than a friend, who doesn't feel the same way about them.

It's simple. You rejected him and he doesn't want to dwell on his problems. It's not the best way to deal with it but pushing you out of his life is his solution. Like ripping off a bandaid, only it has a human being attached to it.

Love and hate are not separated by a thin line, but if you can't love someone you begin to hate them, then the love fades away, and eventually the hate will too - then you're back at the beginning. It's like when you burn your hand and you dip it in cold water. But enough with my similies.

Oh and it's not just guys. You'd probably do the same thing.

EDIT: Oh he's too arrogant, he's too rude. It's always him? Yeah, sure. He hung up on you when you called. Get over it. But what he has to get over is years of unrequited feelings and a friendship that's not going to work. Have you tried to understand how he feels?

It's a strange situation, but you wanting him back as a friend is downright selfish. He can't be friends with you because after being in love with you for so long, he doesn't see you as a friend. You can't seek to drag him back into being miserable and drooling over you while you indulge in having him as just a friend.

1. I don't appreciate you speaking to me like that. I asked for your input I don't need you to tell me how SELFISH I am.
2. You don't know this guy one bit. I doubt you've been in my situation because this friendship was damn special to me and this is why I am so cut up over it. He knew I didn't see him as more then a friend and he let it go on for 8 years, I don't know why he let it build up for so long and then just crush our friendship like that. If he couldnt bare to be friends with me I don't know why he didn't end it before it got to this.
3. I never asked for him to feel that way seriously. I've been in a similar situation with another guy and were fine, I'm still friends with that particular male.

4. If he doesn't want to speak to me then fine, but the WAY he went about it was downright selfish and mean. he could of told me he didn't want to speak to me from the beginning, instead of waiting to find a new girlfriend, then say derogatory things and behave in a manner that was downright disgusting.

 

[Dreamerish*~]

1. I don't appreciate you speaking to me like that. I asked for your input I don't need you to tell me how SELFISH I am.
2. You don't know this guy one bit. I doubt you've been in my situation because this friendship was damn special to me and this is why I am so cut up over it. He knew I didn't see him as more then a friend and he let it go on for 8 years, I don't know why he let it build up for so long and then just crush our friendship like that. If he couldnt bare to be friends with me I don't know why he didn't end it before it got to this.
3. I never asked for him to feel that way seriously. I've been in a similar situation with another guy and were fine, I'm still friends with that particular male.

4. If he doesn't want to speak to me then fine, but the WAY he went about it was downright selfish and mean. he could of told me he didn't want to speak to me from the beginning, instead of waiting to find a new girlfriend, then say derogatory things and behave in a manner that was downright disgusting.

1. You can't choose what you will and will not allow us to say.

That's my opinion. I'm not going to pretend he's the only one with a problem just because you want me to.

2. It takes two to lose a friendship. It's fine that you're upset but you shouldn't insinuate that he's the cold, heartless prick who ripped you out of his life like a band-aid. Maybe he's sick of chasing after you in vain? Maybe he's tired of always telling you how he feels, how hurt he is from other girls? The bottom line is, being around you isn't going to cheer him up. Therefore you may deduct that he's avoiding you so he can put the past behind him and be happy (relationship-wise) for once in however many years.

If he didn't value your friendship, he probably wouldn't have stayed good friends with you for so long after liking you. For a lot of guys, it's friends → fall in love → rejection → never talk again. I'm not talking about silly crushes, I'm talking about real deep feelings. Don't you think he was hurt for all that time when you never felt the same way? It seems he's bottled it all up and let it all out with calling you names, being hostile, hanging up, etc.

3. You never asked him to feel that way? No offence, but that's really stupid. People don't feel because you ask them to. This just further shows your selfishness. Everything's centred around you. "I never asked him to feel..." Could you ever control your feelings for someone you were falling in love with? Especially someone this close to you. Give the poor guy a break, he was probably racking his brains thinking of how to stop liking you. Obviously it didn't work.

4. That sounds fair. Too late now though. You can't expect everybody to behave in your ideal way. There are people who don't handle these things well, and there are people who are downright dickheads. I think this guy belongs to the first category.

What else is there for you to do? Friendships end. Your one obviously did, not on a good note. It's a shame, but it happens.

 

[monzi]

---

Yeah I understand your point of view Dreamerish, But you know it really hurts when it ends like this. You'd think that these types of deep friendships would last forever. I am and always will be a good friend to him if he chooses to speak to me again. I know I didn't ask him to feel that way about me, you don't choose who you fall in love with, all happens for a reason in my opinion.

I just miss his company, his personality was immaculate I LOVED it! and he was the type of guy where you could go and tell anything and everything to. And I miss that. I kind of see where he is coming from, I know he knew I didn't feel the same way so he tried to probably get over it, couldn't and used hate to get over the whole ordeal.

Like when I had a problem he'd always be there to listen and I'd listen to his problems as well and when that vanishes overnight its like somebody has hit you with a cricket bat in the face.

Oh well I guess it was not meant to be. I don't hate him. Hate is too strong a word to use. I don't even use that on my worst enemy. But just anger and frustration. We'll see how it all goes maybe one day in the future things will change.

 

[Snow Pea!]

If you're not gonna listen to her, you might aswell not bother to post in the first place. She's the best. Besides, beggars can't be choosers.

we dont need any arse kissing thankyou

dreamerish has a point...

but monzi obviously is upset about the ordeal and asked for advice.. and didnt need to be yelled at for her view.. obviously she is pissed and hurt at the guy.. and being in that situation you say things irrationally and blame the other person as much as you can
but the thing is.. this sorta thing happens and ppl have to get over it.. in their own time.. advice can help or sometimes it cant.. its up to the person...

but they DEFINETLY (dunno if i spelt that right) dont need crankyness!

p.s. all of u pull your head in... its the love forum for goodness sake

 

[Jago]

definitely

 

[monzi]

Argonaunt That was blantly rude. You don't need to make those ugly remarks in here. If you have nothing constructive to say then don't post at all.

 

[Dreamerish*~]

Argonaunt That was blantly rude. You don't need to make those ugly remarks in here. If you have nothing constructive to say then don't post at all.

Yeah, that was me before.

Then some wise person told me that if people only posted constructive things on BoS, then several forums wouldn't even exist.

 

[zlks]

this sounds oddly familiar, i had a couple of friends same kinda thing happened

and you know what? the guy did after he read something similiar (may have been the same thing actually) to this:

http://www.sherdog.net/forums/showthread.php?t=298685

which i hate to admit does have some truth (thats a realllllly good read, i recommend it)

im sorry to hear about it, i hate losing those kind of friendships, unfortunately from personal experience. its amazing he's kept it up for so long (2 years..) i think you just have to give him some space and when you think hes completely cooled off, get a friend to sit him down and talk some sense into him and try and get him to see it from your perspective, that you just want to be friends again

 

[SilveryNightsky]

AH man... I was in the same situation, but thing was I went out with this guy, so things were even more awkward.

What I did was wait til he chilled a little before asking what was wrong. Turned out that he wasn't over me yet and was trying to convince himself that he hated me instead.

maybe that's what your friend is doing. But if I was in that situation, and being nice wasn't the answer, I'd do it the hard way. Confront him in person and ask him wtf was wrong with him, why he's suddenly so harsh, what stupid rumors did he hear from someone (might want to recall if you did anything bad to him). Chances are, he'd spill and it was all a misunderstand, your friendship goes back to normal.

the other way is that he's moved on and there's really nothing you can do about it. Such is life. I've lost a lot of really good friends and it hurts me sometimes when I think about it, but people come, people go. If he's still being a bitch about it, then maybe he's not worth it, even after those years of friendship.

sucks, i know..

(and excuse me if this was already discussed before. this thread is frikkin long so I just jumped ahead to reply. i see some fight going on)

edit: oh and btw it takes two to tango or there would be no fight.

 

[FoodForThought]

It doesnt take to to tango in something like this. That arguement i was talking of before, that was pretty well because she decided to go camping with me and some other mates, even though i had previously told her that she would hate it. She lasted about 2 hours and had herself driven home.

basically, i could have told her straight out that shes not coming - would have ended up the same way. I told her she wouldnt like it, she still came - cant do anything about that.

Sounds like the same situation with monzi - she tells this guy she doesnt wanna go out with him but still wants to be friends, he decides to carry on the friendship maybe to his own detriment. And from the 'he ran off with a girlfriend and isnt talking to me anymore' type situation, monzi couldnt do shit about that really either.

 

[ur_inner_child]

the word "selfish" just has a harsh negative connotation to it, so don't get too offended

yes, your friendship was great, yes he liked you but wanting your friendship is going to be a lot more complicated than that

and until you understand that he has gone through a lot and where he's coming from, than yes, you are only thinking on your side of the spectrum: your feelings and your friendship with him, rather than his.

 

[FoodForThought]

and until you understand that he has gone through a lot and where he's coming from, than yes, you are only thinking on your side of the spectrum: your feelings and your friendship with him, rather than his.

i disagree... until somone puts up a reasonable scenario where he hasnt done something stupid along the way i will continue to disagree. I have tried many in my head... none work... from where i stand he is being a tool, unless something isnt being told.

 

[monzi]

Thank you. Yes it is hard to lose friendships like the one I had with him. I know I don't know why things still have not changed after so long. It's ironic though because he tells people I know that he regrets what happened between him and I and he could take it all back if he could, but when I go to fix the friendship he rejects? Don't know, yeah I'll give him space, all the space he needs to cool down. If I didn't think the friendship was worth it I wouldn't even bother but it is special to me.

But looking at it from Dreamerish perspective, I see where he is coming from. Don't know can't win both ways.

 

[FoodForThought]

If he's still good friends with you, his feelings for you might never fade, and having a girlfriend at the same time might get him into trouble.

if the feelings are sincere they wont fade. im still friends with my ex, the feelings are still there, but we have tried and we both know its not gonna work. Its been a good while since we broke up, but i still have a bit of trouble with things that bring back memories. I know that sounds kinda wierd, but im shit at putting how i feel into words.

But yeah.. the whole point of all that is if he actually wanted to stay friends he could manage it. It is entirely his choice... if he values monzi as a friend he can deal with what comes with it.

 

[monzi]

Mehh

His not with his girlfriend anymore poor guy I really hopes he finds another girl I really want him to be happy. But hey everything happens for a reason I guess nothing I can do about that.

 

[SilveryNightsky]

It doesnt take to to tango in something like this. That arguement i was talking of before, that was pretty well because she decided to go camping with me and some other mates, even though i had previously told her that she would hate it. She lasted about 2 hours and had herself driven home.

basically, i could have told her straight out that shes not coming - would have ended up the same way. I told her she wouldnt like it, she still came - cant do anything about that.

Sounds like the same situation with monzi - she tells this guy she doesnt wanna go out with him but still wants to be friends, he decides to carry on the friendship maybe to his own detriment. And from the 'he ran off with a girlfriend and isnt talking to me anymore' type situation, monzi couldnt do shit about that really either.

Sure it does. If he didn't think she deserved such an attitude he wouldn't have done it. Always two.

 

[my sharona]

4. If he doesn't want to speak to me then fine, but the WAY he went about it was downright selfish and mean. he could of told me he didn't want to speak to me from the beginning, instead of waiting to find a new girlfriend, then say derogatory things and behave in a manner that was downright disgusting.

I think it's obvious he's decided that he wants to have nothing to do with you - what makes you think you deserve an explanation or that he has some sort of obligation to tell you how he feels?

You're just being selfish because you don't want to lose him as a friend, you feel hurt, you wish he'd be back to his 'normal self' and ask you out... it's all about you, hey? How many times have you said the words ' you', 'me', 'my' or 'i'? Gazillions. You're the most self-important person on these forums.

It's as if the poor guy needs to seek your approval before getting a girlfriend, it's his life.

Get over yourself monzi. He's moved on, i think you should too.

if the feelings are sincere they wont fade.

I disagree. The hurt will always be there, but feelings will fade over time.

 

[monzi]

Missing The Point

I think it's obvious he's decided that he wants to have nothing to do with you - what makes you think you deserve an explanation or that he has some sort of obligation to tell you how he feels?

You're just being selfish because you don't want to lose him as a friend, you feel hurt, you wish he'd be back to his 'normal self' and ask you out... it's all about you, hey? How many times have you said the words ' you', 'me', 'my' or 'i'? Gazillions. You're the most self-important person on these forums.

It's as if the poor guy needs to seek your approval before getting a girlfriend, it's his life.

Get over yourself monzi. He's moved on, i think you should too.



I disagree. The hurt will always be there, but feelings will fade over time.

MY SHARONA. YOUR MISSING THE POINT COMPLETLY. WHERE DID I SAY 'THAT WHEN HE HAS A NEW GIRLFRIEND HE NEEDS TO SEEK MY APPROVAL' READ THEN POST BECAUSE I THINK YOU MISREAD WHAT I ACTUALLY SAID.

I DON'T CARE WHO HE GOES OUT WITH. I PUSHED HIM TO FIND A GIRLFRIEND WHEN WE WERE FRIENDS. HE WENT OUT WITH COUNTLESS FEMALES WHEN WE WERE GOOD FRIENDS AND THEY WERE LOVELY I NEVER INTERFERED AND I WAS THERE FOR HIM WHEN HE NEEDED ADVICE. I SAID WHEN HE STARTED GOING OUT WITH THIS CERTAIN GIRL, HE DECIDED TO TAKE IT UPON HIMSELF TO SAY DEROGATORY THINGS TO ME WHICH WERE UN CALLED FOR, I JUST THINK IT WAS SELFISH OF HIM TO SAY THOSE THINGS TO ME OUT OF THE BLUE WHEN EVERYTHING WASN'T EVEN THAT BAD FROM THE BEGINNING.

ITS EASY FOR YOU TO TELL PEOPLE TO 'GET OVER IT' BUT ITS NOT THAT EASY. YOU THINK I CAN GO TO SLEEP AND THEN THE NEXT DAY ITS ALL GOOD? AND THE PROBLEM IS SOLVED? I'M NOT SELFISH AND I ONLY WISH HIM HAPPINESS. WHEN SOMEONE HURTS YOU THAT WAY IT DOESN'T HEAL IN TWO SECONDS, I MIGHT FORGIVE BUT ILL NEVER FORGET.

 

[Dreamerish*~]

MY SHARONA. YOUR MISSING THE POINT COMPLETLY. WHERE DID I SAY 'THAT WHEN HE HAS A NEW GIRLFRIEND HE NEEDS TO SEEK MY APPROVAL' READ THEN POST BECAUSE I THINK YOU MISREAD WHAT I ACTUALLY SAID.

I DON'T CARE WHO HE GOES OUT WITH. I PUSHED HIM TO FIND A GIRLFRIEND WHEN WE WERE FRIENDS. HE WENT OUT WITH COUNTLESS FEMALES WHEN WE WERE GOOD FRIENDS AND THEY WERE LOVELY I NEVER INTERFERED AND I WAS THERE FOR HIM WHEN HE NEEDED ADVICE. I SAID WHEN HE STARTED GOING OUT WITH THIS CERTAIN GIRL, HE DECIDED TO TAKE IT UPON HIMSELF TO SAY DEROGATORY THINGS TO ME WHICH WERE UN CALLED FOR, I JUST THINK IT WAS SELFISH OF HIM TO SAY THOSE THINGS TO ME OUT OF THE BLUE WHEN EVERYTHING WASN'T EVEN THAT BAD FROM THE BEGINNING.

ITS EASY FOR YOU TO TELL PEOPLE TO 'GET OVER IT' BUT ITS NOT THAT EASY. YOU THINK I CAN GO TO SLEEP AND THEN THE NEXT DAY ITS ALL GOOD? AND THE PROBLEM IS SOLVED? I'M NOT SELFISH AND I ONLY WISH HIM HAPPINESS. WHEN SOMEONE HURTS YOU THAT WAY IT DOESN'T HEAL IN TWO SECONDS, I MIGHT FORGIVE BUT ILL NEVER FORGET.

Writing in caps halves the chances of someone stopping to read your post.

No need to shout now. I believe your situation was resolved two pages ago. Both of you lost a friend. It's sad, but that's it. Say any more and we'll only repeat ourselves.