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Not Being Able To Feel Butterflies. (1 Viewer)

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ur_inner_child

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So I don't expect anyone to give me solid replies as most of you are probably 4 years younger than me and are still within experiencing their first "real" relationships or whatever...

But has anyone else felt what I've felt where... after a long relationship (5 years)... you don't feel butterflies whatsoever.

The last 2 guys I have been involved with after my 5 year relationship, they have been drop dead sexy, funny, smart, with real chemistry etc, but I don't introduce them to my friends because I can't be fucked making sure that they are socially capable on their own in parties etc, and I get over them so fast. There is absolutely nothing wrong with these guys; it's all to do with me, and when I get bored, the "it's not you, it's me" line rings so true, so I try to make an elaborate version of it.

So this new one; no fucking excitement or the least bit happy that he's gotten the balls to ask me out for tomorrow night. Absolutely do not feel flattered or excited, despite being attracted to him.

I badly want to have butterflies and be excited about someone. I want to secretly smile on the inside when I get an ordinary message from someone I'm attracted to. I've been told that I need some time "alone", even with no "friends with benefits" otherwise I won't feel butterflies for a very long time. Technically I have not been truly "alone" since I was 14, and the longest I was "single with no friends with benefits to call" was 6 days. Would that even be an issue? How do others hop from a 4 year relationship into another one and be into it?

Ah fucking rant.

What do you think?

Felt that way before?
 
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Pace_T

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too bad. i feel butterflies all the time. im not nervous or anything, it just means im still into her as much on the 2nd 3rd 4th etc date as the first
 

P_Dilemma

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If you're not happy where you are, then you're either with the wrong guy, or not with enough guys. In both cases i reckon you should go out and meet some more men.

You're probably looking for some guy who will be spontaneous and sweep you off your feet, someone who's not a pussy... good luck though, most guys out there are pussies.

So the best solution, following this line of reasoning, is for you yourself to go out and aggressively search for your mister (or misters) Right.

p__D
 

wendus

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i kinda get what you mean... but i always try to NOT feel butterflies.. i hate the feeling.
 

HalcyonSky

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your friends could be right, some time alone would be good. If you're acting impulsively and getting with guys that you're over with fairly quickly, then there's no 'real' chemistry there, you're just acting like a cavewoman, and from memory you only posted about breaking up a few months ago so you're probably still on rebound. So if you're sleeping with guys that you have a clear physical attraction to but feel no "butterflies", then its essentially devaluing the relationship and ruining a chance at ever experiencing that feeling with him, given that the anticipation has been abolished by the animalistic interaction. If you're looking for a real relationship or even just an extended fling where you can feel something, sex should be the pinnacle of the experience rather than something you're doing out of compliance with your initial feelings.

If you want to feel like you're a year 7er with a crush, you have to act that way. Anticipation is one of the most powerful things, if we were getting with everyone we had a crush on in primary school it wouldnt have been such a beautiful thing, itd just be like "oh, well, that feels good" rather than some internal feeling of genuine curiousity about the person and the butterflies you'd feel by wondering constantly if he likes you back, when hes going to pass you the next love letter, and whether or not he'll be at school tomorrow so you can exchange glances again in the classroom.

but you shouldnt blame yourself, if you're getting bored of them and losing interest quickly, its probably their fault for being too easy anyway. It's really the guys responsibility to make you feel that way. If hes just some dude that got lucky in the gene pool, is kind of funny, and wants to stick his cock in you (excuse the vulgarity) then that alone isnt enough to make you feel what you want to feel. I'd say just say take some time off from actively dating, and you'll find the guy that'll make you feel like a naive schoolgirl again when you're not even looking for him. But then again, maybe you wont, but either way i think some time off would be beneficial, especially after having just come out of one of the longest relationships you'll ever have.
 

Sarah182

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I am not very good, at all with the whole staying in a relationship or liking someone without getting bored.
I get the butterflies before I am in a relationship and then once I am, straight away..... no attraction... at all.
 

Pace_T

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I am not very good, at all with the whole staying in a relationship or liking someone without getting bored.
I get the butterflies before I am in a relationship and then once I am, straight away..... no attraction... at all.
that means you're a natural born slut. you only want to have sex outside relationships.
 

Sarah182

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that means you're a natural born slut. you only want to have sex outside relationships.
No it's nothing sexual at all, it's just I get bored so easily sometimes in relationships and in getting bored I lose the attraction.
I can say with certainty I am not a slut haha.
 

ur_inner_child

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No it's nothing sexual at all, it's just I get bored so easily sometimes in relationships and in getting bored I lose the attraction.
I can say with certainty I am not a slut haha.
you like the conquest.
 

Cookie182

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HalyconSky makes sum excellent points.

I find the whole idea of you saying their is 'real chemistry'/the guy's are attractive and then you having no excitement contradictory. Let's face it, the only person that can make someone feel attracted to them is THAT person. You say it's you, but your just holding back...it's THEM.

My guess is they engage you too logically. Girls want to be taken back to year 3, they want a guy who pulls off crazy, random shit and makes you feel like a giggling schoolgirl again...they want to be engaged on their RH Brain i.e. Emotions. These guy’s were probably ‘VALUE SUCKERS’ which means they offer you no value, but only try to take value. That means, within your interaction, they are REACTIVE- which subconsciously communicates low-value within your brain and causes a complete loss of attraction. Eg of reactiveness- whenever their reality is tested they respond strongly with emotional investment. Say for instance a random guy busted into your date while you’re out and made you laugh etc. A reactive male would probably tell him to fuck off etc, start getting angry or maybe even justify his position after the guy leaves by seeking your validation. This could b through saying “he was a dick ey” or “why would you laugh at that joke etc, I’m funnier aren’t I?” Other examples would be instant jealousy lines if you mention other guys, past bf’s, seeking your approval on issues (not ‘leading’ on dates), wearing items in PROJECTION of validation/general reaction as opposed to it being an expression of self. If you haven’t yet tested these guy’s congruence, I think it would be the best place to start.

Now looks, smartness, pffff that actually means VERY LITTLE- they are just factors you’re socially conditioned to believe are attractive- and this case obviously proves that this conditioning is a fallacy (given your lack of interest). A girl I knew (who was around your age) told me: "The most attractive thing she can think of is a guy on his path". I'll let you think about what that means, as every girl probably envisages that slightly differently. But I think agreement would be reached that he is in his OWN reality, clear cut goals, you can feel his positive/non nervous vibe, has his own social circle, gives value/fun to your life but doesn't need any from you- the idea that he could walk away at any moment and be equally happy as his mating options are VAST. Remember these are subconscious attraction cues, as opposed to what you might rationalise- which has been conditioned anyway (oh how real life varies from American films).

That ideal guy would also have little ego- he is in touch with his core masculine purposes as a man and can define who he is without reference to external sources. All his behaviour is congruent with his PATH and who he is; you never second guess that he is 'acting' or not really being himself. He doesn't 'identify' through labels- the Jock, the surfer, the player etc. He may EXPRESS himself with similarities to these stereotypes- but strip them away; he would still hold an independent identity.

Overall, I wasn't there- but I think these guys were probably wanting too much from you. Going down the traditional 'ask you on a date' route, slowly try and sexually escalate, start buying you things, tell a joke here and there and basically kiss your ass. It's adorable having a fan club, but as a modern, sexually mature woman you don't need that- you want an equal, a MAN.

-Cookie182
 
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PrettyVacant

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:p Maybe you just need to find the right guy to feel the butterflies with. I still feel them but I've only been dating my boyfriend for about 10 months. :) Feel them everytime!
 

Cookie182

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:p Maybe you just need to find the right guy to feel the butterflies with. I still feel them but I've only been dating my boyfriend for about 10 months. :) Feel them everytime!
He obviously prescribes well to what I said above.
 
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